I don’t know why I have registered on this site. It would seem that even though I have such ‘feelings’ of suicide that I’m nothing comparable to others on this site. But then why have I registered and why do I seek out ways to kill oneself? Constantly everyday I’m plagued with helpless, hopeless, depressive (What do you even define as depressive?) feelings and everyday I find myself tearing up, even at school when I’m in class. I think I’ve been, for the most part, pretty positive in the eyes of many; but on the inside I find myself hurting. Some days I tell myself to act my feelings out (meaning my depressive nature) but I just end up getting affected by the people and situations around me. I become a little more uplifted in a sense. Although every night I go to sleep, if I even can, with obvious self hate and wishes to stop feeling so pathetic all the time. I hate the way I look. (This is thanks to the vain world we live in now.) I have no motivation to excel in any aspect of my life, whether it be school, music, the arts, physical awareness et cetera. I know I have a bad connotation of my physical being which adversely affects me in many aspects of my life and how I handle situations, such as eating to name the most obvious one. I feel as if I have no way to express myself. So then I begin to feel bottled up inside. I feel stupid when I compare myself to people, as if I’ll never be able to match the intellect of people around me. I feel as if I have no one to go to or understand me, which further prolongs the ‘bottled’ up feeling. My love, which I know for a fact is true love, is tearing me apart constantly every single day. It’s such a long story with that too. I just wish I could be with him or entirely forget him all together. It just never leaves me alone. It pains my heart to such an extreme amount. I hate living in such a pathetic excuse of a world. I’m tired of succumbing to the society’s ways. People of this world are dooming themselves in a tremendous amount of ways and I’m tired of being affiliated with the human race. I can’t fucking figure out what I believe in. This subject screws me up so much. I have no self-confidence. My self-esteem is low. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, always be nice to my family when I know it’s not their fault and it’s just my attitude problem. It hurts me on the inside that I do this to my family. I always have the feeling of self-restriction, I feel thwarted by a force that I can’t explain and nothing seems to appease or release this feeling. I think about killing myself, but to what extent anyway? It just passes my mind, quite often, but I don’t know if it’s really considerable to the one’s who post things on this site anyway. I just wish I didn’t live in this world. Maybe that’s a better way of stating it. Continuing on with my selfish rant (using ‘I’ in the most pathetic way possible)… I feel as I’m going to fail at almost anything I think about, like college to name just one subject. I’m scared of my future. I’m too overwhelmed with school right now and just feel like giving up at everything. Everyone always finds AT LEAST one subject they’re good at in school, but I have none. I struggle through all that I encounter. I feel exhaustively alone, even when I have ‘friends’, but they don’t know how I feel or can’t comprehend on what level I’m talking about. They just don’t know how to understand! Therefore I can’t ever share anything with any of them. That’s why I feel bottled up. I feel pathetic. This is probably the best word that can be used to describe me. I don’t know how much more ‘hope’ I can hold on to. It’s extremely low. I feel slightly better now that I have at least typed this all down, but this temporary feeling won’t last long. I just feel alone..
8 comments
I think your bottled up sadness and fixed feelings of loneliness are what causes you to feel “pathetic” , by which no means you are . Your story sounds very sincere , probably as sincere as it gets , there’s nothing worse in this world than to suffer without a major cause (like rape) , because then you don’t know how to get to the root of what’s been plaguing you all along . I understand that you have various problems that lead to one painful suffering , like the way you look or think you look , this society is fucked up believe me , and vanity is certainly part of the package now in days . There’s probably nothing wrong with the way you look if you were to judge yourself by a third person perspective , but since this world is so fast paced and demanding you somehow believe that looking better (whatever better means in your vocabulary , it could be just a little or a lot ) will help you alleviate the pain and maybe even solve some of the problem in itself . But please don’t ever think that looking better is simply a solution to everything , I’m sure you have far better qualities than girls you consider “beautiful” , at least the status quo . Your problem is not your attitude , and you obviously can’t seem to help yourself and this might manifest in the way you treat other people , and that’s okay . We can’t be perfect all the time , and this is something you have to understand , we’re human , flawed beings , all of us . Most of all I think your feelings of hurt and loneliness is what is ultimately affecting you most . It is hard to find “friends” who can understand you , or people at that , I’ve been through various psychologist , even two psychiatrists , and no , nothing they’ve offered has helped . I’ve talked to “friends” and their solutions seem limited , almost unplanned , as if they never gave it much thought , something they probably can’t understand or don’t care about . Low self-esteem doesn’t help either , we’ve all been there , and I sympathize with you , it does feel horrible when you feel limited just because of who you are , especially to the outer world . When your very existence is dependent on the opinion of others , its something I myself am still working on , but it’s getting better . I think that you’re so caught up in every bad aspect of your life that you feel like you don’t even deserve a motivation , like you don’t deserve to excel in anything , and that shouldn’t be the case . You deserve to be happy , you deserve to make it (whatever that means for you) , you deserve to have hopes and dreams because whatever you may say , you are a good person , and I don’t need to know you personally to tell you that . You say your love is afflicting you as well , and I know exactly how it feels like to love someone who won’t reciprocate the feelings or maybe is to shy to begin something with you in the first place , I know what it feels like to feel so choked up when you’re talking to that person or trying to , and when they show hints of rejection , and sometimes they give you hope , and you just don’t know what to think . It feels like you just want to give up completely , and like you said forget him all together , or just have him , for good , regardless of all the reasons why you can’t . All of these problems contribute to that force you aid that thwarts you and you feel you can’t release , its constant . I know that once feelings have been released you may feel somewhat relief , until it overwhelms you again . I know deep down inside you don’t wanna kill yourself , you want to redo your life , you want to fix everything you think is plaguing you . I just want you to know that you’re a special person , and a good person , and a real person , and you’re perfect the way you are regardless of what your surroundings may be , regardless of who chooses to understand you or not , and whether or not your love is one-sided . Don’t feel alone (:
I think your bottled up sadness and fixed feelings of loneliness are what causes you to feel “pathetic” , by which no means you are . Your story sounds very sincere , probably as sincere as it gets , there’s nothing worse in this world than to suffer without a major cause (like rape) , because then you don’t know how to get to the root of what’s been plaguing you all along . I understand that you have various problems that lead to one painful suffering , like the way you look or think you look , this society is fucked up believe me , and vanity is certainly part of the package now in days . There’s probably nothing wrong with the way you look if you were to judge yourself by a third person perspective , but since this world is so fast paced and demanding you somehow believe that looking better (whatever better means in your vocabulary , it could be just a little or a lot ) will help you alleviate the pain and maybe even solve some of the problem in itself . But please don’t ever think that looking better is simply a solution to everything , I’m sure you have far better qualities than girls you consider “beautiful” , at least the status quo . Your problem is not your attitude , and you obviously can’t seem to help yourself and this might manifest in the way you treat other people , and that’s okay . We can’t be perfect all the time , and this is something you have to understand , we’re human , flawed beings , all of us . Most of all I think your feelings of hurt and loneliness is what is ultimately affecting you most . It is hard to find “friends” who can understand you , or people at that , I’ve been through various psychologist , even two psychiatrists , and no , nothing they’ve offered has helped . I’ve talked to “friends” and their solutions seem limited , almost unplanned , as if they never gave it much thought , something they probably can’t understand or don’t care about . Low self-esteem doesn’t help either , we’ve all been there , and I sympathize with you , it does feel horrible when you feel limited just because of who you are , especially to the outer world . When your very existence is dependent on the opinion of others , its something I myself am still working on , but it’s getting better . I think that you’re so caught up in every bad aspect of your life that you feel like you don’t even deserve a motivation , like you don’t deserve to excel in anything , and that shouldn’t be the case . You deserve to be happy , you deserve to make it (whatever that means for you) , you deserve to have hopes and dreams because whatever you may say , you are a good person , and I don’t need to know you personally to tell you that . You say your love is afflicting you as well , and I know exactly how it feels like to love someone who won’t reciprocate the feelings or maybe is to shy to begin something with you in the first place , I know what it feels like to feel so choked up when you’re talking to that person or trying to , and when they show hints of rejection , and sometimes they give you hope , and you just don’t know what to think . Or when your self esteem is so low that you can only look at them from afar , watching them live your life and so desperately want to be their center of attention , their reason for being , the one who said the joke they’re laughing at right now , or the girl who’s hugging him and talking to him on the side . It feels like you just want to give up completely , and like you said forget him all together , or just have him , for good , regardless of all the reasons why you can’t . All of these problems contribute to that force you said that thwarts you and you feel you can’t release , its constant . I know that once feelings have been released you may feel somewhat relief , until it overwhelms you again . I know deep down inside you don’t wanna kill yourself , you want to redo your life , you want to fix everything you think is plaguing you . I just want you to know that you’re a special person , and a good person , and a real person , and you’re perfect the way you are regardless of what your surroundings may be , regardless of who chooses to understand you or not , and whether or not your love is one-sided . Don’t feel alone (:
lol sorry i left two comments , i left out somethings from the first one . anyway , i hope you benefit from this 😀
Your comment does a good job of pointing out things that should be considered, but regarding if it helps me, I must say sadly it does nothing towards the betterment of my predicament. I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. Most people in this world don’t take the time to understand someone else before giving a big generalization and moving on. It took a lot of your time to sit here, read my rant, and then type a large comment. This only proves that you’re a very kind and considerate person. Thank you for at least proving to me that there are still considerate people out there, to say the least.
you can escape it! yes, you can escape the world. you can get away from it, but you can only save yourself. i’ve managed to save myself from the world’s self-inflicted sufferings, but i cannot protect others – i can only offer the same solution i have, i can only say ‘do this’ but i cannot make anyone, and i cannot do it for anyone – i wish i could. i’d do it for you, but i can’t. instead, i’ll talk to you about it, i’ll tell you ‘do this’ and if you listen, then you’ll escape it like i have. there is an escape, really. i escaped the cult that is society. please talk to me. my contact info is at skull09.net
and please always take care of yourself
K3T^3, I’ve seen you comment on almost everyone’s posts. What will I gain from you besides the generic things you’re offering everyone else? I am not meaning to be of any offense to your persona, but it seems like you would only offer the same kind response to me as you might me doing with everyone else. (Please do not take this offensively.) I appreciate your activism either way.
what i offer is nothing generic, but i offer it generically so that the reader will have to think about what i say and perhaps see a little bit of hope in me, rather than hearing exactly what i think about things and right off the bat misunderstanding. what will you gain from me? only what you will take from me
Your welcome (: . In the end however , the choice is in you , the struggle of life is something that unfortunately is independent and unique to every individual , I know that on the inside everyone has the solution , but sometimes we are so clouded by circumstances around us , sometimes problems that have been built upon for years , that we just simply forget that we can overcome things , or we might be scared to take any other path that doesn’t involve suffering , because its all we’ve come accustomed to knowing . I’m glad that you took the time to read my comment and whether or not it impacted your life , it’s not the matter . There are people out there who are kind and considerate , but it’s very rare now in days . My comment was simply a reflection of what everything you stated yourself , probably in a new light , there are different ways of viewing the same thing , even though i don’t know your entire life story . I hope I could’ve been of some help ! (: