I don’t know why I have registered on this site. It would seem that even though I have such ‘feelings’ of suicide that I’m nothing comparable to others on this site. But then why have I registered and why do I seek out ways to kill oneself? Constantly everyday I’m plagued with helpless, hopeless, depressive (What do you even define as depressive?) feelings and everyday I find myself tearing up, even at school when I’m in class. I think I’ve been, for the most part, pretty positive in the eyes of many; but on the inside I find myself hurting. Some days I tell myself to act my feelings out (meaning my depressive nature) but I just end up getting affected by the people and situations around me. I become a little more uplifted in a sense. Although every night I go to sleep, if I even can, with obvious self hate and wishes to stop feeling so pathetic all the time. I hate the way I look. (This is thanks to the vain world we live in now.) I have no motivation to excel in any aspect of my life, whether it be school, music, the arts, physical awareness et cetera. I know I have a bad connotation of my physical being which adversely affects me in many aspects of my life and how I handle situations, such as eating to name the most obvious one. I feel as if I have no way to express myself. So then I begin to feel bottled up inside. I feel stupid when I compare myself to people, as if I’ll never be able to match the intellect of people around me. I feel as if I have no one to go to or understand me, which further prolongs the ‘bottled’ up feeling. My love, which I know for a fact is true love, is tearing me apart constantly every single day. It’s such a long story with that too. I just wish I could be with him or entirely forget him all together. It just never leaves me alone. It pains my heart to such an extreme amount. I hate living in such a pathetic excuse of a world. I’m tired of succumbing to the society’s ways. People of this world are dooming themselves in a tremendous amount of ways and I’m tired of being affiliated with the human race. I can’t fucking figure out what I believe in. This subject screws me up so much. I have no self-confidence. My self-esteem is low. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, always be nice to my family when I know it’s not their fault and it’s just my attitude problem. It hurts me on the inside that I do this to my family. I always have the feeling of self-restriction, I feel thwarted by a force that I can’t explain and nothing seems to appease or release this feeling. I think about killing myself, but to what extent anyway? It just passes my mind, quite often, but I don’t know if it’s really considerable to the one’s who post things on this site anyway. I just wish I didn’t live in this world. Maybe that’s a better way of stating it. Continuing on with my selfish rant (using ‘I’ in the most pathetic way possible)… I feel as I’m going to fail at almost anything I think about, like college to name just one subject. I’m scared of my future. I’m too overwhelmed with school right now and just feel like giving up at everything. Everyone always finds AT LEAST one subject they’re good at in school, but I have none. I struggle through all that I encounter. I feel exhaustively alone, even when I have ‘friends’, but they don’t know how I feel or can’t comprehend on what level I’m talking about. They just don’t know how to understand! Therefore I can’t ever share anything with any of them. That’s why I feel bottled up. I feel pathetic. This is probably the best word that can be used to describe me. I don’t know how much more ‘hope’ I can hold on to. It’s extremely low. I feel slightly better now that I have at least typed this all down, but this temporary feeling won’t last long. I just feel alone..