hi everyone that has read my story. this is the day after easter, also the day after i posted my story of myself. to make my story so much more shorter, to save people time from my worthless story. im only 17, junior in highschool, i hate my life completly and everything i turned out to be so far. i have no father and the mother i do have, we have no relationship. my father abandoned me when i was a baby, my mother was a teenage mom when she had me… she didnt know how to deal with me. so she took it out with abuse by beating me and verbally telling me things. my family life doesnt excist, she has a husband now that doesnt talk to me because he has his two sons with her (my half brothers). im the black sheep and feel it everyday… my clock is ticking. i cant see the light anymore, no matter how hard i try to see it.
so.. after making my first post about my story, i ended up two hours later overdosing on medication. the pains started to come because i didnt go to sleep and i was admited into a hospital. the discharged me this morning with only a perscription for medication and an appointment with a therapists. in my heart, i was hoping this would make me feel better.. being in the hospital, maybe people would want to help me. i felt they just wanted to get me out of there and out of thier way. i didnt get to go to school, thank god because i cant concertrate anymore because im so fucking depressed. i went to drivers ed and just sat there unaware of my surroundings… i teared up a little bit while sitting there. Â i feel no different.. only thing is i dont have that urge to kill myself, but i do see it coming back again and soon, if nothing changed with me. i dont know what to do.. no matter what i try, its all the same. alone, depressed, empty, hurt, bitter, frustrated, and lacking. any term to describe utter defeat is me.
if you dont fully understand anything, read my first post.. my story, its rather long though. sorry, but maybe.. some one can help me? though i doubt it completly. i dont even see why anyone would want to put such effort.
9 comments
Stop and think about what you are doing. You need to reach out to someone. You have the choice to die and others dont. people are already dying because of illness we dont need you to die out of being naive. I like you and think that you have a future, please try and live im begging you.
I read your story … , and it sounds so similar to mine but obviously theres lots of things that yours has that mines doesn’t and vice versa , i guess since we’re two completely different ppl from completely diferent places . im guessing your from the upper east nd im from south florida , so yea , two different worlds . but i empathize with your pain , i know exactly how it feels to be the only one in a family , everyone in my family is cuban except for me , i’m half cuban-puerto-rican nd most ppl wont know the difference since their cultures are similar but my family hated my dad for quite some time nd wuld blame it on his race , nd everything that i did wrong i wuld be compared to him ; i was verbally abused nd then expected to forget the next day , because if i didn’t i was the one with the problem when my grandfather wuld blow up on me nd mentally and sometimes physically abuse me because he schizophrenic in denial , nd everyone wuld take his side , even when he was wrong . i was helpless throught out all of middle school , i started smoking weed nd popping dmx in my freshman year until i was caught nd den against my will homeschooled nd put through a year of never going out unless it was my front porch or backyard , i disconnected my fone for an entire year , i was put thru a living hell of mental ? verbal and sometimes physical abuse , just because they culdn’t understand the pain i was going thru that extended way far into my childhood , something that had been growing inside of me for a longtime . i too was raised with my grandmother , since my dad was a type one diabetic nd had constant tribulations with my mom that led to their seperation , nd my mom was constantly working nd was never the emotional type , she hardly showed me any physical motherly love unless , sadly to say , it involved posing for a photograph . my grandparents were both loving but my grandfather had a history of alcohol nd wuld turn abusive when he was drunk , he also developed schizophrenia in his 50’s which worstened his mood , he’s like two different ppl inside , and his constant severe mood swings have scarred me , because i didnt kno what to believe . my mom remarried when i was 5 and my sister was born a year later , so my mom moved out nd lived with my ex stepdad until i was 12 when she divorced him nd moved in with us , making my life more of a living hell . around the beginning of my sophomore year to , well , now , which is the middle of my sophomore year , i started flinging around with a few guys nd it got to the point where i lost my closest friends because i hooked up with one of her exboyfriends who even tho he had never liked her , she had some sort of immature emotional fixation with him , nd she started calling me a hoe even when i had never had sex in my life , i’m 16 and im still a virgin by choice . -___- well , to make a long story sort of shorter , we’re very alike , to the point that it’s startling lmao . if u ever wanna talk , my aim is jessins94 . i’m hoping to hear from u soon (: . lost of love .
thank you, reading your story made me feel less alone. made me feel deff a little bit better, knowing im not the only one with similar problems. im sorry to hear about your grandfather and other house problems. mine are just with my mom and her husband.. then theres my father, but hes not around at all.. but yeah idk how to feel honestly, im so confused.
Alyssa,
you are too old, forty or something, at some points you are 60-70’s,
you should have died already for a “kid” like you.
Setting house on fire, jumping off a cliff, just as easy as that.
You just need a friend. As easy as that. Get to one, especially one who has a little interest in you.
Without knowing that you are just using yourself to experience the remains of your life, not others using you.
You seem to have tried everything in life, probe of your own body, real sex, drugs, suicide, love, etc..
But you haven’t tried one thing. The love of yourself. The depender of yourself. The sole depender of your soul.
Many people don’t realize that love is so near, and have to look all over but despair.
Incurable snake bite can always find the antidote around where the snake frequents.
Where there is an evil, there is another thing to control it.
Excuse can be set for young kids to protect them from abusive parents.
Sorry that you’ve experienced already and can’t be retrieved.
Move ahead in your acting life. Don’t dwell yourself within those old movies.
How brilliant or glamour or sad it might have been, it’s the past.
Memories make one old, and in your case, can kill.
Memories are experiences, that pave you better ideas ahead, not to live in it.
Living in memories can get you only one road, waiting to die.
Have love on yourself, then you can make great new movies of life.
You are great, that you are willing to tell, and ask for help.
Take baby steps, as long as you are willing to walk, you can reach the window sills where you can see a brighter world.
Can anyone tell me what the heck is fireflieslight talking about? Maybe if I’m high I can understand it. No, seriously fireflieslight you think it’s so easy? Find someone who cares… heh If it’s so easy then there are no depressions or suicidal people. Move ahead and get over it is like telling someone who was ran over with steam roller – hey just wake up it’s so easy!
Please stay with us. Dont do to us what they have done to you. We need that you dont go away. If you have an appointment with the therapist, please print out the stories you have written and read them out to the psychologist. It is important that he listens to it all because if you start talking from scratch maybe you dont manage to talk as you wanted. So do that. Let him know that we are awaiting what he says to you and how he treats you. At 17 I would give 20 years of life to be 17 again because I would plan it other way, just like you can do now. Plan your life to become what you want. A very intelligent guy here, wrote good comments, read them also and with that info, meet the therapists.
So, think about this, you cannot let us down, I am going to get depressed if you do anything bad.
warm greetings and awaiting to hear how you are doing
Hi
i went back to read your former postings. It is like a diary. If you read yours today, you sound much better than just yesterday. This is so important! It should give you the belief in perspective, that is, that no matter how clear your feelings of sadness are at one given moment, zoing! you can feel better the day after as it just happened. Yes, we want stability and it will be a matter of working on all points. The first, stick to the meds, and to the therapist, stick to us, chat with us, let us know about your progress. Dont make of your mum and family the issue, park that aside for the future. Talk to a friend about what you would like to do next year. Keep writing
hugs and warm greetings and everything
Al
Entity,
sorry for the confusion. I should have done more elaboration.
“You just need a friend” implying on the contrary not any other friend but befriend with yourself in the first place. And no need to look all over for love, because the love is so near your eyes just don’t see that, and it’s
yourself.
You’re right. Sorry for not able to letting you understand. My mistake. Thanks for the reminding.
Ah, hi again Alyssa,
I posted on your original story and decided to post again on this one.
Firstly, it is extremely strong of you to ask for help. Truly. It’s amazing how many people try to keep these things to themselves, doing absolutely no good in the long run.
Again, if you’d like to chat, feel free to contact me.
Oh, and just to comment on your quote; “i dont even see why anyone would want to put such effort.” – People who care put in every single bit of effort possible.