Just to get of my chest.

I don´t know why am i writing her. I don´t feel sad or happy, just numb. Like everything is so far from me and even if I try to reach for something everything disappears. Incloding me with it. I don´t understand whats wrong with me? Why do i feel nothing?
In school i don´t let people see me depressed anymore, because they don´t understand whats wrong with me. I don´t want anyone to laugh at me and talk about me behind my back anymore. so to stop it i act crazy, laugh and make silly jokes. They say i am crazy and act like an adult but they don´t eighter. So they call me crazy and i am happy with it. At least they don´t talk about me behind my back for me to hear it. So they talk about me and i don´t have to hear them when they do it. I am the class joke, but inside i don´t even cry because of it. I don´t nothing anymore, but maybe i have hid everything in me so deep that i CAN´T find it for a while. But i don´t know what will happen.
Last week my father went on a missing for a few days to drink. Everybody looked for him. but nobody found him. My mom was going crazy because she really loves him but she tried to hid it. The reason why she did it was that i tried to act like i don´t care for him and she tried to be strong for me. But it was painful for me because i hate that she has to hid what she feels just because i might get depressed because of it. That i might go and do something to myself. I hate that i am hurting her and i don´t want to do it anymore. My mom started to think that he might have done something to himself because she knows how depressed i sometimes am. And i started to think it too. And blamed myself that i had drove him to that point because i am trying to push him out my life because i know that he will always put me through a lot of pain and just what it stop. I don´t want to suffer because of him or somebody else in my life. I drove myself crazy thinking of it. On the third day he was missing he came home drunk and acted like he hadn´t done anything wrong. People were trying to find him, people were going mad because nobody knew anything about him and he comes home like that. Drunk and happy, he didn´t care that one of brothers was going mad, my mom on the edge of going crazy.
The funny thing is that it didn´t even suprise me when he came home drunk. I asked him why did he to it and he didn´t say anything to me. I told him that my mom had been thinking that maybe he had gone to kill himself and he told me that he isn´t that stupid.
When he told me that i started to realize that most people don´t understand that little thinks like that could push somebody over the edge. And when something happens people say that if they had known that he or she was thinking of it they would have helped them get over it and would have been the best friend. What a bullshit. Nobody wants to know anything about it. Maybe i am wrong but in most people that is true. they don´t want to be near anybody who is depressed. That is the reason why i act like the class joke because nobody likes you if depressed and sad. So you have to be always happy and laugh and make jokes. It is so disgusting but i have to act like it to make people around me happy and stop them talking behind my back so that i can hear them. i am depressed but i have to push it away and be like all the rest of them. I hid behind a mask because i am so tired of being sad and angry that i don´t feel anything at all.