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…Just another day in paradise…

by Vincent

Dear Everyone,

       Hi. I came here…to this site, because I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t, and I don’t know what to say to keep you reading, to keep you listening. I guess, we are all united in a way aren’t we. We all write our stories, and we share them, all united in the fact that at one point, we all wanted to die. This a connection I believe is very special, I don’t know you. I can’t see in my mind what you look like at your desk, chair, or couch right now in front of your monitor, but part of me knows that you understand my drivel. That you know this ache sitting in my chest. It’ s been there for a long time, since high school probably. Since I noticed I was different, or when everyone else noticed. It’s hard to speak about these things and not seem self centered, or out for pity, or any other of the various labels put on people like “us”. Yes, “us”, we’re all in this together aren’t we? I don’t have a “Survival Story” not the near-death-experience kind anyway. For me, in a way, every day is like that. There’s so much about me you’d need to know to really fully understand all of this (maybe not), but I once loved a girl with all I had. I staked everything into her, and she left, two years ago. So did the one after her, a year ago. And so the cycle of loss continues. I try to keep my head up, my chin high, but at every turn it gets knocked back down. And every morning I wonder if today will be the day I hit “rock bottom”. My friends and I joke that each day is a count down to when I just give up. And every day, I just don’t know. I don’t nessecarily think about “ending” my life, but I certainly entertain what it’d be like without me here. The numbers of those who seem to care diminish rather rapidly, and I find myself with nobody left to talk to. And I find hundreds here, Just like me. It’s comforting, but also disheartening. So many of us feel so hurt, so worn down, so exhausted, JUST BY LIVING. Rolling out of bed and facing a day becomes harder and harder until you have no idea if you even want to try. I don’t want to die, god help me, I don’t. But, with each day, this darkness grows, this melancholy takes hold, and some days I see the point, and, a lot of others, I just don’t. Why bother trying, when nobody seems to care? Why should I even try? I, more often than not, buy a lot of sleeping pills, and dump them in a glass, just to see them there. I can stare at them, I see a solution. Some say it’s a “Permanent solution to a temporary problem” I think otherwise. What if you really weren’t cut out for this place? What if nobody out there is meant to be with you? What if the creator, if any, of this shitshow called life really did just screw you over. Now, all this seems very self centered, but these feelings are of a self centered type. I feel so alone. So alone that sometimes I have to pull the car over….just to cry. Counselors generally don’t make me feel better, nobody really does. Which I suppose is why I am here. I am just a lost moth, fluttering around looking for a way out. I need something…anything…to help make this better. And so I found all of you…I don’t want this to get worse, I don’t want to see that cliff that seems ever approaching. I don’t want to feel crazy, I don’t want to feel lonely. I don’t want to feel broken. But all these things only seem better fit to describe me. Some days I can take it, I can hack all the bullshit life throws us on a daily basis. And others, this group seems to be growing, I can’t. When you feel you’ve lost everything, what do you do? I guess that’s how we all have come here at one point or another. I welcome all your words. I would like to think, that a blog like this, is means to a beginning, and not a chapter closer to an end. But…I just don’t know. Life seems relentless. Darkness seems to outcast light. Bad guys seem more victorious than good ones, and evil seems to always prevail over good. Evil people grow in riches while the good end up poor and downtrodden. This is life, this is how I see it and who can really call me wrong? And so the cycle continues, spiraling down until sometimes I can see no other solution then to pour a bunch of pills into a cup, and just look, and just entertain the thought for a second, that maybe…just maybe…this world wasn’t meant for you.

More later…for now…I must rest.

In Hope.

Vincent

P.S. – To help you better get to know me, I am going to post certain things, In a series of creative prose, as I am a writer after all. This was just…an introduction of sorts.

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3 comments

nutella4me 6/13/2010 - 7:46 am

It sounds like you have had it tough.
I know there is no worse feeling than having the one you love walk out on you, and to have it happen multiple times must really hurt.
Honestly, i’m not very good at advice. The only reason im on here was because i stumbled across this site, researching quick and painless ways to die, seeing as the first time i attempted suicide was by taking about 40 paracetamol and washing it down with half a bottle of vodka.
That got me nowhere obviously, apart from puking for the next 48 hours, getting my stomach pumped in hospital and having my parents send me off to a shrink.
Then i saw your post and i had a deep urge to comment.
I’m not exactly sure what i want to say to you, but you shouldnt try anything. You will find something to live for. It sounds stupid coming from me seeing as im thinking the same thing, I just wouldnt want the same outcome for you.
The fact that you have come on here is a good sign, it shows you still want help. So youre not entirely beyond repair. I hope everything works out for you

Jen
x

RedWine93 6/13/2010 - 12:28 pm

I don´t want to die either. But sometimes it just feels like there isen´t a place for me. Maybe i wasn´t supposed to be born. You watch sleeping pills i a glass of water, i climb on top of something and just dream of jumping of it. Some times i feel better after it ,but mostly i feel totally empty. There are a lot of us but still we are the weird ones.

Acid_hagar 9/15/2010 - 12:06 pm

i know what your thinking. I wonder sometimes if when you really think about it, the devil is god. and he watches us writhe and try to please both sides…and failing.

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