Both Ends

Being on the both ends of suicide is something that I never thought I would ever experience by the time I was 22. On August 5 2002  was the starting of all the bad things that would happen in my life. I can still remember everything about that day, I remember exactly what I was doing and I can still hear ever word my uncle Darien said to me that day. During that summer he would always come over and hangout with me until I had to go to football practice. He was like my older brother I looked up to him in so many ways, I wanted to be just like him but the sad thing is on that day I was getting tired of him always coming over. I just wanted to be alone and enjoy what little bit of summer I had left until school started back in a few days. Darien walked in the house that day and I could tell there was something wrong with him he had this confused look on his face. I asked him if everything was ok and he never answered me but instead he asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat with him. I told him no because I didnt feel like hanging out with him that day. So I blew it off and went back to what I was doing, about 15 or 20 minutes later I got a phone call from him saying “Im going away for awhile and Im not sure where Im going” Then he hung up the phone. I didnt know what was going on and I started to get this bad feeling then the phone rang again and it was Darien. He told me to tell my brother Kendall that loves him and he loved me to. All I heard was click and the phone was dead so I tired to call him back and he never picked up the phone so I left a message saying that I loved him and to call me back. Im still waiting on that phone call, my uncle shot him self that day on his back porch. Leaving behind a 13 year old kid who blames himself everyday for not being there for him, talking to him or even telling him I loved him so much.

This moment in my life really took a lot out of me, I felt like my whole family was blaming me for his death. I felt helpless in every-way  a person can relate to that emotion. I go to his grave every year which is 100 yards from his house so everytime I go visit him I see the last place he was and it kills me everytime I see it……

On July 31st 2009 I got a smiliar phone call from my father. My family and I own a Car Dealership and with the way the economy has been the last couple of years its been really hard to make ends meet make payments on time and just dealing with the daily stress of trying to sell cars in a bad economy. My father called me that night while I was at my apartment and he kept telling me that he was a failure he was nothing but a failure. I thought at the time he has been drinking because he has called me before saying the same thing and I didnt think anything about it. So I told him everything will be ok and I see you tomorrow. A few minutes went by and my mom called crying and screaming telling me to get over there by dad was hurt. When I got to the house I saw nothing but police officers and blue and red lights everywhere. I ran into the back yard and saw my father laying on the ground bleeding everywhere from his left wrist. I grabbed his hand and told him not to let go plz dont let go, I dont want to grow up without a father plz dad dont let go DONT LET GO!!! My father almost lost his life that night. What hurt me the most was when I saw him in the hospital and he told me that he wanted to die and hearing that made me so angry at him. I asked him why he would leave me my brother and my mother alone. WHY but he never answered that question.

That night changed a lot of people in my family. My parents got back into church my brother was also going to church with them everything was great it seemed but I was having so much trouble dealing with everything that I have been through so I started self medicating with Alcohol a lot of Alcohol. I was drinking everyday and everynight trying to numb the pain I had built up inside. I felt if any minute I would explode bc I was hurting. I felt the old wounds being reopened all over again. Everytime I saw my father after that day I hated him for what he did to me. The drinking started to become a problem for me and my girlfriend at the time. We where fighting all the time and when we wasnt fighting I was drinking and then fighting again. This continued  up until May 2010. My girlfriend decided to call it quits and leave me, I was trulying in love with this girl she was everything I ever wanted. She made me smile without doing anything,kept me laughing and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her I thought she was my soul mate, I take that back I knew she was my soul mate but I guess she had other plans. During all of this my drinking got more intense I got to the point where I was drinking 2 Fifths of Liquor a day and drinking a 12 pack of beer trying again to numb everything in my life. My suicidal thoughts became more intense and more detailed. It got so detailed that I knew exactuly what I was going to do where I was going to do it at, what my note was going to say. There was no changing my mind it had been made up.

On May 28th 2010 I watched my clock turn over to 7:15 am hearing the beeping of the alarm clock turning over and feeling and hoping that she came back in the middle of the night but there was nothing there but coldness of the bed sheets. I got ready for work with my usual couple of shots of liquor and a energy drink. That whole day at work all I could think about was killing myself and at this time tomorrow I will be dead no more pain no more suffering NOTHING. It would be done with once and for all. A few people are work came up to me and asked if everything was OK and being a car salesman you learn how to hide you emotions and act like a different person so thats what I did. I was so good at doing that my own father couldnt tell when I was lying to his face when he called me back into his office later that afternoon. At that point I knew what I was going to do. I left work without saying good bye and went to the ABC store and got my 2 glass of liquor and drank it in the parking lot of the ABC store. I went home and drank some more and looked at old pictures of my angel and kept asking myself why she didnt love me anymore. About 9 pm she came home finally but all she did was yell at me telling me I was nothing but a waste of time and would never be anything. While she was yelling at me I had a knife hidden behind my back, if she would have came in and hugged me like she use to, she would have found the knife but that didnt happen. She stormed out of the house. I found some paper and starting writing “God please forgive me for everything I have done Im tired of feeling this way I have no other choice. Please forgive my soul”

I went outside on the deck and sat on the steps just like my uncle and called my girlfriend and told her Im sorry for everything and I loved her and please forgive me. So I grabbed the 12 inch cutting knife and put the blade to my left wrist pressing down until I felt the steel hit the bone on my wrist and pulled down diagonal as hard as I could. I dont remember the pain at the time all I remember after that is seeing the blood running down my arm and puddling around my body. I laid back and closed my eyes and waited to die or pass out or something. All I remember that happened after that was waking up in the hospital with a cut 6 inches wide and I could see everything in my wrist.

I was lucky that I didnt lose my life that night. It has only been 2 months and I still think about that night everytime I look at my scar. I just pray that I dont go down the same road again……