It so hard that i cat take it anymore…and i now i shouldnt be saying this in the web but i did a lot of things wiht him that i was never supposed to do and thats why it KILLS me. I feel so used and i just cant do this anymore. To make it worse i had an incident when i was pregnant. I didnt know i actually was. What i ended up doing was killing my baby. MY OWN BABY!. I swear i didnt know, and i didnt mean to hit myself in the stomach. It was just all i ever did when i was so down. I would hit myself instead of cutting myself and i didnt know until one day i go to the bathroom and i see a whole bunch of blood and i see thing thing which looked so small and so soft. It was the baby. I killed my baby……At that time however he was still with me, and he told me i hadnt killed the baby, but now just yesterday he called me crazy and how i killed the baby. He now said he didnt love me at all and how he doesnt care. I had taken pills when i was pregnant and i didnt know. I didnt think i was pregnent because i had this birth control shot that my mom made me put. My periods werent always stable and i didnt know. Now im also pregnant again but the doctor said it might be the shot showing that im pregnent. Hes not with me and when i told him he just said he didnt care. He said he was going to move on. He said he didnt want a baby like me and god it just hurts so much. He told me to even not have the baby and he always wanted one, ever since we were together. Im willing to kill my baby again for what he said, for him telling me too…Im a murderer like he said!. No one can understand me and im just ready to go. Im ready to die along with my baby….i loved him so much…..so so much….
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Don’t blame yourself. Forgive yourself – it will be a process – and so will getting over lost love, but time has a way of easing any pain. It may be months or years, but it will gradually ease to a level that is no longer acute. Eventually the reason for all of this will be revealed, and you will find you have a unique perspective on the severe trials that many of us must face. And from this perspective you will be in a unique position to help others. Love will find you again. Some day in a man, some day in a child, as well. This was not the person you were meant to be with, and not the time you were meant to be a mother. But, that time will come. And you will treasure that time like many others can not.
i will never be able to forgive myslef and i wont ever be able to let go of what happened between me and him. I did care for him alot..and it hurts so much. Im just ready to die.