i dont know..

okay, so its been about 3 days since i told the love of my life to stop keeping in touch with me. hes having a baby and i still cant get over that. my biggest msitake was getting involved and trying to be helpful for the both of them. i shoulda stayed out of it, but i figured i’d rather keep him as a friend then nothing at all. but that totally backfired, i have a boyfriend now, for like 2 months, and i dont wanna feel like im settling, he deserves much more then that, ugh, i know this site is for suicidal people, which is why i joined it, i have over and over again tried to commit suicide this past tear, slitted my wrists, felt the blood pulse its way out of me, even my blood wouldnt stay with me if i let it go. I have been up and down, i read something on here, an anology for life. it was being compared to a rollercoaster, a ride at an amusement park. Well this is how i feel, All those twists and turns, the rise and falls are pulling me in so many directions, and once its done, im left with a sheen of sweat on my forehead and nothing but a cringing stomach. My own family can’t even bare to look at me soemtimes, they try to be supportive without raising the subject about the cuts on my arms. I feel helpless. lost my hope, lost my reason, i dont even ahve a reason to stay here on this mad planet., im 17 and going no where in life, death doesnt seem like such a bad thing anymore, i read the stories on here, and well it will take alot out of me to do it. but then again id be dead so i wont have to worry. if you were to look at me now, id be a good example of a dead person anyways, maybe im better off… i jsut hate feelign so fricken lost and confused and hurt and torn and weak, all those years spent trying to keep a our dreams alive, and now im forced to end it all. i guess right now im contemplating…