I wish I knew how to put this into words.

I’m not really sure how to express this, so bare with me. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore about any of what i’m feeling. I feel that i’ve worn out that welcome because of years of depression, suicidal thoughts, self injury, counseling, and hospitalization. Sad part is i’m only 16, well, 17 in 3 days. I honestly feel that once i’m gone it won’t be much of a fuss. Ya know that line from Adams song? “Another six months, i’ll be unknown.” That’s how I feel. If you really knew me you’d know that I find it absolutly impossible to believe that anyone can really truly love me. This includes eveyone. Family, friends, neighbors. All of the above. Sad part is I can’t even complelty explain why I feel this way. It began when I was 13, slowly I was slipping into a deep depression filled with many tears and blood shed. I will never forget the first time I decided that hurting myself was the choice I wanted to make. 8th grade, as many others, young and “heartbroken” over a boy, to be honest, if I could go back to that pain I felt over that boy and have it linger with me each and eeryday compared to the pain I feel NOW, i’d do it in a heartbeat. So thus began a journey that i’m still on and slowly going back down hill. The cutting didnt become a real issue until I was 15, then it became a habit, and by the time I was 16 it was to the point of no return. I won’t bore you with all of the reasons and shit I have went through that have made me the way I am, its not nessasary. Anywho, i’ve been in theraphy on and off since age 7, my parents think it can solve anything, well, mostly my MOTHER thinks it can. She’s bipolar and has been in and out of mental hospitals all of my life, and I was determined not to end up like her. That little plan didn’t work. Well, after about a year or so of depression, and the on and off again BEGINNING stages of my cutting, and much therpahy, I was put in an out patient program, every day for 6 hours a day for 3 WEEKS, this was in January of 2008. Did it work? BIGGEST JOKE EVER. Things didn’t improve, and so life went on and it was rocky. 2009 began and little did I know it would be the beginnign of so far, the worst year of my life. The cutting was a very big issus and by May I had tried to stop, didn’t work. Finally things came to a head and I as hospitalized for the endless suicidal thoughts, tendancies, cutting, and lingering depression in October of 2009, normal stay was 3 days… I was there 2 weeks. And things were okay. Then I realized they really werent and I was only doing this to make OTHER happy when really I never was. And by March of this year I relapsed with the cutting and so far I havn’t cut since April. Only for one reason, which is one that could go away any day. Sad part is I DO have i’d say 3 people that would be affected, and I can only hope they will be okay once i’m gone, and i’m confident they will be, considering i’m nothing all that special anyways. I’m sick of crying, i’m sick of being depessed for no reason, for feeling shattered, for never knowing whats right, for the anxiety, the paranoia. I’m tired of it all.
Wow, i’m realizing now how much i’ve rambled and if you have actually read this then I thank you. I just….don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t know WHEN I will be commiting suicide, but it’s gonna happen. Nothing ever really improves. It’s just not worth it. I can only hope maybe SOMEBODY will actually care when they put my coffin in the ground, guess i’ll find out. It would of taken a novel to convey on here the emptiness i’m consumed by, the lonlieness when i’m with people I love. I just would love to maybe talk to somone on here, that would be nice, commentes would be very much so welcome.