Here is how suicidal I was 3 years ago:
1. Every night I was thinking that I have to commit suicide, “as I have no other choice”.
2. My emotional suffering seemed to me intolerable.
3. Every single thing to do (like washing clothes in a washing machine) was … extremely painful – it’s best word to describe how I felt.
4. When I was looking at my kid and realizing how my emotions affect him – I was understanding even better that I absolutely should not live.
5. When I was alone and had nothing to do, my thoughts were killing me, I had desire to beat walls with my head.
6. I was thinking about details and ways how to abandone this world. Or how to help this world to get rid of me.
7. I didn’t control my negative emotions, and I thought I couldn’t.
8. I was drinking alcohol to get release of negative emotions.
What I tried that didn’t help in treating my depression and intolerable negative emotions (just some things, indeed, I tried more of them):
4. Transcendental meditation
7. Being moral, nice, good
8. Being bad
9. Expressing negative emotions
10. Surpressing negative emotions
Etc, etc, etc. It didn’t help.
This is how I am now:
1. I never think about suicide.
2. I don’t want to die.
3. I am full of interesting plans and desires.
4. I feel my body.
5. I have clear thoughts.
6. I still feel negative emotions, a lot of them and often, but they are under my control. I get rid of them as soon as they get annoying.
7. I don’t want negative emotions at all, even weak ones, and I beleive I’ll get rid of them completely.
8. I am less dependent of people’s opinions than anybody I know.
9. I have lots of pleasant, interesting desires.
10. Here is how I feel now:
10% of time negative emotions
65% of time feeling “OK”
25% of time feeling happy, feeling taste of life, feeling pleasure, joy, and bunch of other feelings (I don’t know their names in English) that I felt in best moments of my childhood.
0% of time desire to die.
11. I am neither bad nor good. I am just happy.
12. I want to live. Happier, happier and happier.
This is what I did (some of it, what I remember right now) to get out of grave to sunny world:
1. I was hunting in myself and eliminating (not surpressing!) by my will all kinds of negative emotions: first of all agression, then pity for myself, feeling guilty, self-importance etc.
2. I was finding in my memory and taking to present moment best feelings of my childhood: like tenderness, joy etc. They are not positive emotions! Because they are not related to situation (satisfaction-dissatisfaction, good-bad and similar shit). These feelings are just general feelings of a healthyÂ child.
3. I did this tens, sometimes even hundreds times a day for 1 year.
4. I realized that agression of any kind was killing me most of all.
5. Then I was finding “happy desires”: look on they sky, look at birds and trees, read interesting books…etc…
6. I refused of stupid desires like hanging out with “friends”, drinking alcohol, celebrating something.
7. I have been critically reviewing all people I met and am meeting. I threw away from my life my mother, most of relatives, almost all so called “friends”. All people who supported negative emotions, stupidity and suffering of every kind.
8. I have been critically reviewing all traditions of social life: ideas, life styles, habits, emotions etc. To see all what I don’t want in my life and to dissociate from it.
Now I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t celebrate holidays of any kind, I have no so called “relationships”, I don’t join or organize empty conversations. Never ever “small talk” of any kind “just for fun”. I don’t even ask “How are you?”, neither do I reply this formal question. I do that only in situations when I have to be “nice” and “social” to get from so called “normal people” money and other material stuff. Instead of stupid social conversations I speak about what is really interesting to me, and can enjoy such conversations for hours.
9. I love animals, kids, nature.
10. I pay attention to people that have something I want to have, too: great mind, or joyful emotions, or free effective easymoneymaking life style, or great health built by themselves.
11. I travel as much as I can. When I cannot, I dream about travelling, and just dreaming makes me happier.
12. Movies I watch now and books I read: Adventures, Comedy and Science fiction. That’s all! No drama, no thrillers, no horror, no shit, no so called “serious” shit dedicated to negative emotions and emotional suffering.
If you want get out of suicide shit to sunny life – I wish you succeed!!!!!
Of course your condition may differ from mine that was 3 years ago. But may be you still find in my post some ideas and hints you can use for yourself.