I just got out of the psych ward the day before yesterday for not being able to keep myself safe and planning to kill myself. I have legitimate reasons not to want to live anymore. I have had a plan for a long time, and my doctor keeps a tight reign on what I acquire for means by which to do it. I have the best doctor I could ever have. He does not think that I am crazy at all. He understands. It really helps that he understands, and it keeps me from killing myself outright because I do not want to hurt him. But when I get so far gone that I do not think very well, I have to go to the psych ward until I can think again. Those are not the most dangerous times, though. When I am so far gone that I do not care at all, I do not feel like doing anything, not even killing myself. The dangerous times are when I begin to feel better enough to want to and be able to do things, because then I can orchestrate my death.
My pastor visited me in the psych ward while I was there. We have not always gotten along, but he has never refused to help me in any way he can. The psych ward staff would only allow him to stay for 15 minutes, so he briefly asked if there was anything I needed. “A Bible,” I said, thinking that I would make my peace with God one last time. The next day, my pastor presented me with two versions to choose from. I chose the pew Bible. It was in a translation that I had little experience with, so it was somewhat interesting. I browsed through it and found Psalm 51. For some reason, it seemed like I had never read it before and it was in language that was so clear that it was frightening. The gist of the Psalm was that King David messed up with Bathsheba and ended up putting her husband on the front lines of battle to make sure he got killed to try to hide what he had done. In this Psalm, though, he was begging God to forgive him and said that, if God washed him, he would be clean.
So, if you are into the Bible, the New Revised Standard Version is very understandable for people like me that do not have a Divinity degree. If you need to make peace with God, He does hear you. You just have to make sure that, while you are asking Him for forgiveness, you remember that you have to forgive yourself, too. Then you will be at peace to die.
2 comments
This was very touching!
really nice post jmoses.extremely touching.yes,the last bit of the post struck a chord.i think that it is true.i am in the uk.i am looking 4 eternal rest.tranquility,escapism,peace.i wd like 2 b set free.i have thought about this since april.gathered the means.done the reseach- like studying 4 the most important exam in the world.painless and fast,thats what i wish 4.is any1 else out there….does any1 feel the same…..a well informed decision…i think those shd try with life,i think u shd fight…but when u have run out of steam and just want eternal rest ,then ,well then its time i guess.i wd like 2 spk with likeminded people.people who have lost the energy.i would very much like 2 talk.age,gender,race etc so unimportant.my mobile is 07827 514 375…texts and phone calls from genuine,sincere souls.u can call anytime.lots of love.