Dont know what to do anymore

I suppose depression starting taking over my life very early. I was always being made fun of as a kid so of course I naturally felt withdrawn from everyone else. I have been very unsucessful in having one close  friend or someone I can talk to. Nowadays I mostly lose them because I’m depressed and  complain alot, or I lose them becasue I’m too afraid to get close . I can’t stand  to get hurt anymore than I already have.  When I was 18 I was  taken to a mental health facility by a school counselor. I honestly thought  I could get some help by being there but after a week or so my mom was sucessful in getting me out. I know for a fact that suicide is the most selfish thing anyone  can do. I’ve seen up close how it can hurt family members , destroy your parents or anyone youve interracted with. I’m all my mother has and shes pretty much in the same boat when it comes to depression,so I would hate to do that to her or any of my family members by committing suicide.  Not being selfish is the only reason I have for not commiting suicide, the thoughts and feelings do not seem to go away. I know I have soo much to be thankful for,  but at the same time I’m very unhappy, I’m 21 going on 22 , I have a full time job because we need money. Im grateful for having a job but I barely  have the motiviation to get up in the morning. When I come home I dont feel like  doing anything else beside laying down, there is literally nothing I have to look forward to. I feel like I  have no hobbies or anything I feel like doing thats healthy. I dont want to go to college and becasue of that everyone labels me an instant loser. I’m sure I need an outlet, but I cant find one that Id like. I would like to run away from everything  and go somewhere where I can be at peace and work on becoming a better person?  but I know that I cant, and that it’d be wrong to leave everything. I really wish things had turned out much differently for me, I dont like being this   person, but I feel its too late now to turn my life around or even just the way I think about things.Im stuck and unable to move on.