Just no more hope

You are not alone. Because I also feel the same.
It suddenly reminds me of this line from a song: “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same” by Keane. it’s so true.

What hurts me the most is how I could always *see* what I should’ve become, what I am supposed to be, with all my talents, intelligence, passion, compassion, etc.
But due to external and even internal things myself, I have somehow fucked up my chances…for up to 7, no, 11 years!
I wish I have had more GUTS back then.
I wish I’m like the other “normal” people, who could just drill & grind-the-work, instead of often feeling too contemplative, easily depressed and mood-swings.

People said “with great power comes great responsibility”. and many of my friends and people have actually told me that I am ‘different’ from many other people, and some even predicted that I would become a ‘BIG’ person. But then I suddenly asked myself: “is that just an EGO talking to me?” because sometimes, with great power it also comes with a CURSE: being manic depression, ‘lazy’, ’emo’, not function normally like many others (even Kurt Cobain of Nirvana killed himself at such young age!).
And that’s fucking torturing sometimes, that I wish I could be like just other “normal” folks.

Or maybe it’s true that I need to “grow up”, accept Life as it IS, and just simply keep doing my BEST at a lot given to me in this vast earthly life.
no comparison. no judgemental. no fucking depressed.
just keep doing my BEST and listen to my heart, no matter what.