The love of my life. How can I have a life without him? Lung cancer, about 3 months ago. At home. In my arms. Thank the universe for hospice, because it was painless and peaceful. He was 55. Handsome, bright, knowledgeable—everything to me.
I’m 59. I had to sell the business we were running together—he was the main ingredient—at a distressed price and feel lucky to have gotten out at all.
A lot of death in my life–my mother last year, my father (lung cancer) when I was 30, my twin brother (suicide) a few years later and then another brother (suicide–terminal renal cancer). I handled those other losses fairly well, I thought. But now they seem to be affecting me—sort of like a backlog And this one is very different. I’m on anti-deressant, anti-anxiety and anti-insomnia medication. I’m going to grief counseling. Trying to marshall my resources and put myself back together. But it all feels like a sham. Suicide is on my mind every day. I’ve always thought of suicide as a likely option for me. Even tried it once when I was 17.
Because of the lung cancer, I’ve got a lot of drugs here: Hydrocodone, oxycodone, ocycontin. Should work, huh? I’ll get the new version of Final Exit (of coure I’ve had the first one since it was published). That helium hood thing sounded good at first, but reading about the failures makes me think you need assistance. I’m healthy (though assuming my liver proably isn’t doing too well–rum) so can’t imagine who I could ask.
I’ve battled depression for years, but I just never fathomed this degree of sadness and despair. I have friends who are trying to help, but there is no help. Oh my god I miss him so much.
So…why am I posting this? Because there is no one I can talk to about it. And I guess I’m looking for advice. I always thought I would use a gun, but now that it seems like I am really, actually going to do this, the gun seems so violent (?)–I can’t explain it. Wrist slicing—ditto. I wish it didn’t have to hurt. I’d prefer the pills, but I am so afraid of failing.
Any thoughts, anybody?
5 comments
It’s healthy to grieve. Of course you still love him and it hurts. But it’ll hurt less as time goes on.
You’ve done a great thing to hang on this long. Now it’s time to start thinking about your new life. You can go anywhere and do anything you want. I know you want your old life back but why torture yourself by wishing for what you can’t have.
You’re depressed. Who wouldn’t be? The cure for that is exercise. You have insomnia as most people would. The cure for that is exercise. Join a health club where you’ll be surrounded by people. Take an aerobics class. Ask that friendly man with the gray hair how to use this or that exercise machine.
Another way to improve your mood is to evaluate your diet. Do you eat meat, dairy, eggs and wash it down with a carbonated drink sweetened with HFCS or aspartame? You are what you eat. No wonder you feel like crap. Get on the McDougall vegan diet. You’ll lose those extra pounds and have a new and improved body before you know it.
Another way to feel better is to find a job. Any job will do. The routine and the structure of having to show up somewhere at a certain time will give you a sense of purpose.
Check out some motivational tapes from the library.
Don’t throw away the great future that’s right around the corner. As soon as you’re ready to think about dating there’ll be men who would love to meet you. You know you’re capable of having strong feeling for someone. There will be other opportunities for love in the future if you hang on.
You’re only a few years from collecting your Social Security. Do you want to throw that away?
Please don’t do this. Talk to someone.
I failed once with pills. if you go this route make sure you take the right stuff and the right amount..
or it will be a real nightmare, and quite embarrassing.. you will forget about what the reason was that you did it in the first place and you will wish you was dead because of this kind of failed experience.
I think the gun is the quickest route albeit you are right most violent.. but i think quickest…
hanging can go very wrong and can be a real disaster if you do not get the length of the rope to body weight ratio.. too heavy and too much slack and you can dislocate or fracture, split your neck open…
Too short a rope and you will not get the desired effect.
Cutting sounds the most Romantic.. but one would have to bleed all 15 pints and who knows if the arteries wont restrict before bleeding to death.. one must not turn back from this method because too much blood loss can cause brain damage..
If one does not have money for a Euthanasia clinic..
then i think the helium method is the most peaceful i have come across..
you just have to make sure you restrain your hands (I have Handcuffs ) so you do not unconsciously take the bag off your head which is what somebody i knew done….
Whatever path you choose.. whether you go through with it or not
i hope you will find peace..
Because “life” is not forever.. in this sense that suffering will end at some point right..
i would like to add something that a great master once wrote
“Suppose a person should awaken from a dream,
In which he knew a hundred years of happiness,
And another person awakens from a dream,
In which he experienced just a moment’s joy.
For both these dreamers, once awake,
Happiness has gone, never to return.
Likewise, when the time of death arrives,
Our lives, whether long or short, at the time of death
it all ends just the same..
May i recommend this article for you.. About ‘’Death and Impermanence’
maybe you might find some comfort in some of these words Whatever! decision you make
http://www.lotsawahouse.org/lojong/impermanence.html
anyways
stay well..
Thank you for replying, and for that extraordinary link.
I try to imagine turning away from living my life with this most special man to living my life alone. I can’t seem to let him go.
Any thoughts on how to be sure I “take the right stuff and the right amount”?
I hope you stay well, too.
Hold on a second.
What do you think his reaction would’ve been if you’d told him you were planning on doing this after he died?
What do you think his reaction is *right now* as he watches you getting yourself ready to kill yourself?
Do you think he *wants* you to end your life early? He didn’t have a choice in leaving early. He didn’t want to leave you. He didn’t ‘die on you.’ It wasn’t his fault.
Killing yourself would insult both him and his memory.
Why sully everything you’ve ever had with him by ending it now?
oneltr,
I didn’t mean to imply any fault. I know he didn’t want to leave me. I know he loved me.
And I know you are right. He loved life so much and could never understand this. I just am so entirely miserable. I hope he will forgive me.