I have little to no memory of my childhood. What I do remember is bad. I was molested, several times. My own father made me feel dirty, although he never molested me, at least not that I can remember. I have an issue with sex, not what you would think. I don’t need to control sex, but I need sex to know I am wanted, needed, loved.
I am beautiful, intelligent, a quick learner, but I cannot find a job, all because I was stupid more than 10 years ago and got caught up in illegal activities. They were not even that serious!
I am in a relationship where my boyfriend would rather jack off to porn or magazines than have sex with me, meanwhile, his friends and even strangers, want to have sex with me. I’m luck if we have sex once a month. Don’t ask me why I stay, I can’t find a freaking job. I can’t support myself and my son.
I hate this. I don’t understand this. Don’t tell me it’s not me, I know all of that. I am a psych major. I get that, but it doesn’t help.
If it weren’t for my son, I would have done myself in long ago, but I can’t leave him behind. The boyfriend isn’t his dad. The ex-husband is, and he is worthless, doesn’t even see his precious child. I don’t understand that either. This is bullshit. All of it. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to work. No reason I can’t find a job, save one thing TROUBLE OVER 10 YEARS ago. I mean, really? I was a kid then. A stupid kid. And if they cared to do the research, they would even find that I took the blame for something I did not do, in the name of love, of course.
I just don’t understand.
2 comments
sounds hard to respond to i too would have ended it years ago i wasnt mollested though i was beat hard by my father. for any reason or just cause i was there. hopefully you dont put your problems on your child. my mom did and totally fucked my head in the proses you know they love and seeing you with problems they dont understand or cant help you with hurts and stay with them. maybe have you tried employment agencies or tried to get an aprentice position i am mentaly disabled(schizoaffective) so i dont work but when i did i didnt even have a ged i know its not the same as a backround check but those things will stick with you. try and get counselin maybe if not for your self for your kid just tell em your issues and that you have a child worth being metally stable for and working tword that goal. its never a lose to see a person stop self loathing to become better only a lose to have many affected by depression and suicidal thoughts
I broke the cycle. I do not and never would abuse my child. He is my precious treasure. I learned long ago what it feels like to be at the hands of an unstable parent. I have taken parenting classes, been through counseling and on meds. He doesn’t even know anything is wrong. I reserve that for when I am alone. It all stays in my head and I respond to my child the way a loving parent should. I could not imagine putting him through what I went through growing up. My mom was just as bad. She hated me, lied on me, beat me. So did my step-mom. I have never forgotten how it felt. I will not put my child through that. I simply will not. I cannot. I am a fair mom, not too strict, not to lenient. He doesn’t get to back talk or do things that can harm him, but he can speak his opinion and I let him make mistakes and teach him to learn from them.
As for a job, forget it, I have literally tried everything. I have tried begging, pleading, and more. It doesn’t work. Nothing fucking works and I am really sick of hearing of all that I could do when I have already done it. I CANNOT FIND A JOB, simple as that. No matter what the hell I do. No amount of try this or try that works. I have and I have failed. I have even begged the local welfare office to help me. No good. So believe me when I say I have done all I could.
On top of all that is the daily bullshit, which again, I shield my child from. It’s just not fucking worth it. He is the only reason I have not ended it. I am totally afraid of how someone else would raise him and I don’t know anyone I can trust not to hurt him.
I am a full time college student and I have a paper due tonight, but you know what? I won’t get it done. Because I don’t feel like it, because it’s stupid. And yet, I know that my degree will get me out of this shithole and I still cannot bring myself to do the damn work.
I am not on meds now, remember, no job, no money. And actually, I have a job, but I only make about 2 bucks a day. That gets my child what he needs and nothing more. So there is no money for therapy or medication. No one will help. I’m white, I’m intelligent, I’m pretty. No one helps people like me. And yet, most often, people like me need the most help.