Who gets ahead? Who benefits? The ruthless, the heartless, the cutthroat. That’s who. But some of us were cursed with virtues like being hyper-sensitive to adversity and gullible enough to buy the new age bullshit that says having a heart is the way to contentment. What the hell is the point of any of it? Why the fuck am I here? Others say oh, you must give your life a purpose. Why must I do this? If that’s the case then I am my own God. I make the rules. But I’m one of those who was too timid and brainwashed by an overbearing mother to ever believe that I held all the cards from day one. I’d gladly come back and re-do life all over again and I’d come out of the womb telling everybody to fuck off. So yes I am nothing but a scared little girl with every raw nerve exposed. Was there ever a chance that I wouldn’t become a depressed mess of a human being? I don’t think so. I’ve been the ‘misery chick’ since as early as 6th grade. Everything about existence is money money money, push push push. Wash rinse repeat. What if I just want to exist? I hate money. I loathe it even when I’ve had it. I hate working. I enjoy sitting on freshly mowed grass reading, napping, eating chocolate. That’s it! Throw in an occasional movie or concert and that’s all I need from life. I don’t even like people all that much. One on one company is most satisfying to me, but these days if you ain’t got a Facebook page you don’t fucking exist to anyone. Some might say oh, you should have married, and married rich and become a housewife. I don’t even want a husband! I hate children and think there should be a license to breed. I don’t want this Americana bullshit I just want to BE. Why is this not possible? Who made these rules that the road to happiness must be paved with endless bullshit? My successes have not been more appreciated due to hardship, that is a lie told to the masses to keep everyone working, producing, shopping, talking, Twittering, bullshitting. So then, my options, to be a homeless bum, die freezing on the streets. I don’t have the freedom to just do nothing in any kind of comfort and that’s fucked up. We don’t need to earn a goddamn thing, everything is already bought and paid for anyway. Money is paper. Coin is cheap metal. If that’s all that matters in this life then I don’t want it. I’ve played the game of life all wrong. Nothing matters. It never did.
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Hi, I just want to say here from the bottom of my heart: I completely understand and can relate with you. You are not alone. Please remember that.
I’ve actually just posted my own thread speaking about essentially the same thing here: http://suicideproject.org/2010/11/sometimes-the-reason-you-can-feel-suicidal-is-as-simple-as/
And if you browse around this wonderful honest website, and take a look at posts from previous months ago, there were some great-touching posts that speak about this thing in such a depth, you can go google: “Suicide Project + Philosophy and hope” for example, and click on the 1st link that come up and read it in depth….you’ll see what I mean.
I wish I could come with a great, sounding advice, but it’s hard because I’m currently also experiencing and feeling the same thing like you do ,although I’m not from America. I think this is the same everywhere. society just basically sucks sometimes for people type like us… but if there’s anything I can say and encourage is that you are NOT a nobody.
In fact, this world need more people like you, so it can definitely become more a better place that *FEELS* things, instead of only ruled by that piece of paper ie: MONEY like you said. it’s just dumb and stupid, don’t u think? People and ALL aspects of their lives are constantly ruled by that piece shit of paper.
Also keep hanging on and living for a while,
Life is often full of unexpected surprises, you might never know what’s going to happen in a week, a month, 2 months, a year, etc…so it might get *unexpectedly* even better!
just keep living, searching, creating, and connecting.
I’m here for you if you need to talk. you’re not alone. I totally feel for you.
Someone else wrote the rules and most people play along, they don’t even think about it. Even in the wild, the cunning eat and the timid starve. The giant trees choke out the saplings. It’s a brutal universe.
Yes, what matters in life is completely up to you. I hope you can live for the things you appreciate and just exist for the things that you don’t. It’s good to vent, though. This world is a pile of shit but most people insist it smells like roses.