the punch is shit. I dont wanna be at this party any more. I want my old friends [these boys and girls are slaves][ifeel like throwing up]. I want to collapse and wake up in hospital. At least one of these people will drive me there, right. If i die in public, its murder. The police will say it was drug related, and place blame. That I was a normal happy party girl, sucking cock on MDMA. [which was my fairly broken way of showing affection]. I like it when my pupils dilate. at four in the morning . The nurse shines a light in them. “Could you lay still for me…I need to run an ecg”. Theyre not[ my muscles], I’m fine. I havent taken enough pills to fuck my blood up [seventy two or three+ grams]. When I breathe my heart stops. a warm ache down my left side. Choking, basically. I get meds headaches. Â I stopped eating on and off years ago. Due to this I have this constant taste of stomach acid, [now pills. fuck pills are nasty], no teeth, gastrointestinal problems.
next time jxxx invites me over, Imma tell him how sick i feel when i hear beyonce, or basically anyone outside my comfort zone talk [or sing] about how fucking great they feel.
or how far theyre gonna get. If only these qualifications come through for me. Nobody else will.
of coming late. or coming late, and discovering your seat has been taken by the quaterback. Yeh. Now i cant flirt with tanya. the punch in this gig taste like aniseed sweets. [i swallowed six packets why the fuck cant i just die like everyfuckbody else]. Tanyas discussing social psychology. Normally I make pretend body language at her, but today i simply dont feel like it. [when people think youre dying][or, when people think youre anything] they develop a soft spot for you. last week i had six panic attacks. I use amphetamines at weekends. In the week people who dont exist tell me to fuck myself and die.
like i care anybody feels anything for me. I’m so fuckin HALF DEAD. my skin white, i get nose bleeds when i wake up. Normally, i read pro ana sites [my bmi is 14] but Im just sick and tired of hearing fantastic new ways to slim down. I have tattoos. thats fucked up. somebody fucking tattooed me at one point. Sometimes i wake up and scream.
I think i missed that day. I must have been drunk. or asleep. xanax causes memory problems. [I need it to bypass the voices].
of white smoke. Yeh. I smoke. heavily. I’m 24 and i get shooting pains. My right lung has stabbing pains sometimes. like somebody ripped a whole in the back of it. My fingers and toes are constantly numb. [somebody lend me a cigarette, i need to burn myself][i need to feel the pain, cause i dont think anybodys listening] why wont you listen to me. i want my old friends [the boys and girls here are too clean][preppy][ready for action, alert]. The only time i feel alive is when i eat. I stopped masturbating months ago. I mean, natalie turns me on but then [shes not real]
Sex is a truck loaded with concrete. You meet a girl, She never tells you her name cause shes better at life than you [everybody is]. Then you travel forward in time [break everything cause youre stupid] [get drunk] [this punch is taking its toll on my kidneys]. Then NOW [where you live][perpetual hell] everythings broken in the future [this girl hates you][she always hated guys like you][youre so alone][everybody is].
Just like a truck loaded with concrete.
The driver tastes like cum, but on the road [we’ll take the first train out of this city, and find a new home] the truck [and the driver] tastes like fucking sulpher. or a gun. Infact, as a side note nothing tastes quite like a gun. Except this punch [somebody call the cops this party is out of control]
of guilt. This hurt was self inflicted. but, then ive always felt this way. I use drugs to numb the pain. or lose weight. Natalie says i should calm down, maybe eat some fish and lay off the whiskey.
I think im paranoid.Yeh.
Marla jade. x