This was originally a piece of prose that I wrote 10 years ago that I’ve altered slightly. Im going through a bad bout of depression at the moment and feeling pretty low and although its about a younger version of myself it still feels somewhat relevant to how I feel now.
You wake up and for a split second you think
everything will be all right,
But it wont.
You donâ€™t know why but youâ€™ve been sinking lower and lower and
suddenly it hits you and
you find you have no motivation
for anything at all.
You eventually get up but only because youâ€™re made to.
You try to eat,
but have no interest in whatâ€™s in front of you.
Someone begins to notice,
asks whatâ€™s wrong,
but you cant tell them,
because you donâ€™t know yourself.
They ask for an explanation,
but you cant give one.
There isnâ€™t one.
You go to your room and play some music,
You try to occupy your mind
but it seems to leave you as though it were no part of you.
You feel hollow.
Your peace is disturbed by a sudden interruption from your mother
she’s been calling you for 5 minutes.
She asks questions you cant answer.
The situation becomes awkward,
Youâ€™ve lost the power of communication and
all will to perform it.
You just want to crawl into a hole and
hide until you feel fit to face the world.
But that doesnâ€™t happen.
You donâ€™t eat,
You cant sleep,
each day you wake up and
realise it isnâ€™t getting any better and
life isnâ€™t any easier than yesterday.
People constantly hassle you,
You just want to be â€˜normalâ€™.
Once again youâ€™re asked if youâ€™re ok and
Once again you say you are,
Although youâ€™re not and donâ€™t feel you ever will be.
Once again youâ€™re asked whatâ€™s wrong and
Once again you reply â€˜nothingâ€™ because
Once again you donâ€™t know yourself.
You descend the spiral,
spending more and more time alone.
In your opinion you may as well not exist
Because thereâ€™s nothing worth living for.
Your friends are concerned but
have their own worries.
They acknowledge your silence and
constant lack of self esteem but
After several attempts at stopping
your repeated self criticism their
Sympathetic voice fade
To a meaningless drone.
Youâ€™ve given up on explaining but although
Your pain cant be seen like a broken leg,
Its still there and
You still feel ready to
Give up on life
Because no-one cares and
Neither do you anymore.
You feel lost but
Not in the real world,
In your own state of denial that youâ€™re
Even living at all.