a thousand times I’ve failed, still Your mercy remains

When I wanted to die, I used to stand by the side of the road and think about how easy it would be to walk in front of a big truck and get mowed down. I figured it would be quick and easy, except I felt bad for the driver and what they’d have to deal with.

I went to the hospital once because I was so low and I couldn’t stand living that way any more. I didn’t want to die, not really, but I wanted to stop feeling like life wasn’t worth living. I wanted to stop waking up to a sick stomach, stop sleeping to escape my feelings, stop welling up in tears in public because of how confused I was.  I was so frustrated with everywhere I turned for help because it seemed like unless I was in imminent danger of killing myself, I wasn’t worth their time.  I felt like I was stuck being depressed and feeling lethargic, anxious, and miserable with no one to help me — because I wouldn’t kill myself.  All I could think was, no wonder people get to the point of actually killing themselves — no one will help them until they’re at the breaking point!

But I want you to know that I made it through. I want you to know that the pain can stop. I want you to know that there are people out there going through what you’re going through – you’re not alone. There is someone – somewhere- who cares in your life – they might be in your family, at your school, at your doctor’s office, at the local church, or even on the Internet. I’m asking you to give yourself a chance to make it through, even if you can’t even imagine making it through the next week on your own strength. I’m asking you to let someone else be your strength.

My heart breaks every time I read these posts, and I wish I could be right there with each one of you being that person to support you. It hurts me to know that you feel so alone and that no one wants to help you. It isn’t right.

What I can offer you is my own story and an offer to listen on e-mail (carin@uoguelph.ca) or messenger (your semaphore) if that’s what you need. Just rant, just talk like friends – talk about anything.

I’d like to tell you a little bit about my faith if that’s okay. I’ve been a Christian for a long time, but I’ve still struggled with a lot of anxiety and depression. I’ve had doubts about if God loved me, or why He let bad things happen to me, and doubts about if I was good enough or could follow all the rules properly. But in my struggles I’ve grown to know God as someone who loves me unconditionally, and who wants to know me intimately BEFORE I become a better person, and not AFTER. He wants to meet me where I’m at and help me grow in response to His love for me, not out of fear that I’m not good enough.

I know that a lot of you struggle with feeling inadequate and unworthy. I want to give to you what I’ve been given: a knowledge that I am priceless and worthy for two reasons: firstly that God made me and treasures me, and secondly that He came as Jesus Christ to save me. He came Himself because in matters of love, you can’t send someone in your place. Because even though I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of – and continue to do so – He loves me. He is a perfect god and a perfect god cannot have an intimate relationship with an imperfect person like me; the price of the bad things we’ve done – any of us has done – is separation from Him and in the life after (that’s what Hell is). But when Jesus died on the cross, because he was perfect it paid the price for us, so that if we want to, we can have a relationship with God again.

That’s the gospel. That’s it. It’s not a bunch of rules you have to follow to measure up. It’s not ceremonies or rituals. It’s not judging other people because they’re not as good as you. I recognize that some of you have probably been hurt by Christians and the church, but I want to assure you that the gospel is true – God is true – when people aren’t. All the gospel is is the “good news” that you can have a relationship with a God who loves you because He’s paid the price for your sins – whatever they may be, small or big.

I wanted to offer you this message because I really do believe it can bring you new life. I’m not saying it will always be a bed or roses or that it will be easy – but in God you will always have someone to rely on, someone who knows what it’s like to suffer and someone who cares for you no matter what you’ve done. I wanted to warn you that to kill yourself does not end your life as a spirit — that you will go somewhere. It’s important to know where you’ll go – heaven or hell? And it can be based on what you’ve done – and we’ve all done a lot of bad things, let’s be honest – or it can be based on who you know – God.

If you’re interested in learning more about that, please contact me (carin@uoguelph.ca) or AIM “your semaphore”. If you’re not, please still contact me if you want, just to talk. If you don’t want to talk about religion, we don’t have to. I’m not going to force anything on you. I’ll just listen. We all need someone to listen to us.