dealing with the loss of my father and brother

i heard a noise in the darkness. i turned on the light expecting… rather, hoping he was there slumped in his high back chair staring blankly at his video game. trying his best to ignore the world. but my eyes were greeted by an empty room filled with fading memories and my fists i laid on him. i could not stand to remember the endless enraging fits. in my life as i am sure in all walks of life there has been no greater pain than to remember. loneliness gives you plenty of time to think but i am always stuck thinking about being alone. my thoughts cloud my head, i’m hoping it will rain and clear but the gray still lingers as does his presence. the thoughts never subside, and he still haunts me. he’s in every breath i choke on, in every antidepressant i swallow that he refused to. with every laugh we shared, with every hesitant moment we were locked in together. my memories, our memories live on through me. and what good does it do now that he is gone? i went into his room hoping i could smell him in his old clothes. but it has been 8 months since he passed and he isn’t here to renew his mark on the home. but he left his mark on my love for him that will never change. like the mountain covered with snow will melt but the rocks remain. that’s all i have left of him. the cold, damp, indifferent remnants of a life we shared. the countless tears, the sleepless nights, the endless stream of words i can’t pronounce. nothing i do can change what has happened, and it kills me. i have thought about joining him and our father, and our grandmother many times. but as i have read, it’s not a question of what’s the point? it’s more like what’s the difference? and i feel as though i have invested my love and my heart in so many others on this earth that i have lost before and i don’t think it will end. others have left, i just never thought it would be this soon. we had so many memories left to make. so what’s the difference between my physical body decaying and my mental decay? as the memories and love i still tragically clutch to have long since gone from this home and my life. for those who have lost, and truly lost  you know as well as i do. this isn’t something you get over, you just learn to live with it.