Well, I just found this site, and I have to say it’s been uplifting to finally find people who not only understand, but are going through what I’m going through. I suppose I should probably start by introducing myself and my problems. Throughout my life I’ve been told I need to be the best, need to be perfect. My inability to do so has driven my parents to give me grief and constantly put me down. I was never good enough, never worth their time. My siblings were better than me at everything in every way, and they tell me so repeatedly. I was bullied and put down throughout elementary and middle school, not for my looks, or my athletic ability, but for my inability to connect with anyone but a select group. (I viewed (view) all others as superior to me, and when I was younger I had trouble talking to people out of an inferiority complex) I digress, after 8th grade, I “broke” out of my shell, and began to integrate into society. It’s just a ruse, I use it to fool others into believing I’m normal. I joined the rugby team, and I began to divote all my pain and suffering into bullying others and sex with random partners before leaving and never seeing them again (I am a male) I also found alcohol, and there wasn’t a weekend where I was sober. I recieved subpar marks, mostly b’s and c’s, and high school is also where I lost all hope. thoughout my childhood I thought life would get better, and it just kept spiraling downward. I lost drive, my marks fell some more, I slept around more, I drank more. I drifted from my family, friends, and myself. And then it happened, I met a girl. I’ll keep her name disclosed, but in 11th grade we started to date. I was broken, but she understood, and she was there to help. She was broken (eating disorder) and I was there to help. I was needed and she was needed. We did everything, from silly things like jumping in the lake under the starry sky to walking down the beach. Then in the next year she moved. (we had never consumated the relationship, she wanted to wait until marriage) I thought it would have been the end of bliss, but we stayed strong, wrote daily, texted, called, even visited, I stopped drinking, was 2 years without meaningless sex, and we made plans to attend college together. Senior year went by quickly, and I moved to fort myers, to be at college with my high school sweetheart. It went well for a few months, then it started going downhill, she stopped returning my calls, stopped trying to see me. while working at target, I saw her in the parking lot, excitedly I walked over to her, only to get there in time to see her kissing another guy. Heartbroken, I went to my manager and got the day off. I called her and things ended badly. we fought, she called me shit, useless, and said I had no life. That was it for me, the one person I cared about, the one person I trusted, betrayed me and broke what little willpower I had. I turned to alcohol again, but worse this time, I drank excessively from dawn till dusk, there wasn’t a moment I was sober. I worked 40+ hours a week to drown the pain, and then I found the ultimate relief. I slit my wrist. The pain, the blood, the deadening of emotional pain and the screaming of bodily pain. I was as hooked as I was with alcohol. I cut some more, drank more. soon there wasn’t a part on my arm that wasn’t scarred or a bloody scab, from wrist to shoulder. I got kicked from the college for drunk and disorderly conduct, failing grades. I went home, my parents said nothing, just enrolled me in UCF. I drank more, cut more, but since I was living at home and under the watchful eyes of my parents, it was on my legs and other concealed places. Long story short, I got kicked out of UCF for pretty much the same reason I got kicked out of FGCU. I turned suicidal, or more suicidal than before. I couldn’t turn back to sex, to relationships, it sickened and depressed me. I cut more, tried hanging, failed. tried to pull the trigger and couldn’t. I went to run in front of a car and got tackled by a complete stranger just feet from my salvation. I was so drunk and angry I beat him senseless, knocked out teeth, and was tempted to kill him. A year went by where I laid in bed, and did nothing. I went through withdrawal from alcohol, my parents discovered the cuts on my legs and I had to go though inspections, so I went through withdrawals on that too. It became too much, I shut down. I went through the motions and the emotions, but didn’t feel any of them. I went to work with the one friend who stayed with me, who I betrayed, hurt, and still he stayed. I began to believe the lie I wove, began to feel normal, even while I knew I was dead inside. My friend finally convinced me to date a coworker. I asked her out going 50 down a road. It was almost surreal (not a real romantic guy, if you can’t tell) anyway, I thought I finally found acceptance and the relationship ended after a month. At this point I gave up all hope on a normal life, and I’m going to go buy a helium tank as soon as I get things in order with my friend. ( he won’t accept my decision but I want to make it easier for him) Anyway, I left a lot of stuff out but this was a rant to begin with, I didn’t want anyone to get bored. I also wanted to thank you all for giving me a sense of community, even though I know none of you. (I’ve been browsing this site for a while, but only now mustered up the courage to write part of my story down.) I know I have no right to feel this way, that my life hasn’t been as hard as most, but I can’t see the light, can’t see a future, and I can’t care for myself or others. I’m a monster, a person not only deserving of death but one unable to end his life. Sorry for the rant, and for those who read it, thanks for the time.