Well, I just found this site, and I have to say it’s been uplifting to finally find people who not only understand, but are going through what I’m going through. I suppose I should probably start by introducing myself and my problems. Throughout my life I’ve been told I need to be the best, need to be perfect. My inability to do so has driven my parents to give me grief and constantly put me down. I was never good enough, never worth their time. My siblings were better than me at everything in every way, and they tell me so repeatedly. I was bullied and put down throughout elementary and middle school, not for my looks, or my athletic ability, but for my inability to connect with anyone but a select group. (I viewed (view) all others as superior to me, and when I was younger I had trouble talking to people out of an inferiority complex) I digress, after 8th grade, I “broke” out of my shell, and began to integrate into society. It’s just a ruse, I use it to fool others into believing I’m normal. I joined the rugby team, and I began to divote all my pain and suffering into bullying others and sex with random partners before leaving and never seeing them again (I am a male) I also found alcohol, and there wasn’t a weekend where I was sober. I recieved subpar marks, mostly b’s and c’s, and high school is also where I lost all hope. thoughout my childhood I thought life would get better, and it just kept spiraling downward. I lost drive, my marks fell some more, I slept around more, I drank more. I drifted from my family, friends, and myself. And then it happened, I met a girl. I’ll keep her name disclosed, but in 11th grade we started to date. I was broken, but she understood, and she was there to help. She was broken (eating disorder) and I was there to help. I was needed and she was needed. We did everything, from silly things like jumping in the lake under the starry sky to walking down the beach. Then in the next year she moved. (we had never consumated the relationship, she wanted to wait until marriage) I thought it would have been the end of bliss, but we stayed strong, wrote daily, texted, called, even visited, I stopped drinking, was 2 years without meaningless sex, and we made plans to attend college together. Senior year went by quickly, and I moved to fort myers, to be at college with my high school sweetheart. It went well for a few months, then it started going downhill, she stopped returning my calls, stopped trying to see me. while working at target, I saw her in the parking lot, excitedly I walked over to her, only to get there in time to see her kissing another guy. Heartbroken, I went to my manager and got the day off. I called her and things ended badly. we fought, she called me shit, useless, and said I had no life. That was it for me, the one person I cared about, the one person I trusted, betrayed me and broke what little willpower I had. I turned to alcohol again, but worse this time, I drank excessively from dawn till dusk, there wasn’t a moment I was sober. I worked 40+ hours a week to drown the pain, and then I found the ultimate relief. I slit my wrist. The pain, the blood, the deadening of emotional pain and the screaming of bodily pain. I was as hooked as I was with alcohol. I cut some more, drank more. soon there wasn’t a part on my arm that wasn’t scarred or a bloody scab, from wrist to shoulder. I got kicked from the college for drunk and disorderly conduct, failing grades. I went home, my parents said nothing, just enrolled me in UCF. I drank more, cut more, but since I was living at home and under the watchful eyes of my parents, it was on my legs and other concealed places. Long story short, I got kicked out of UCF for pretty much the same reason I got kicked out of FGCU. I turned suicidal, or more suicidal than before. I couldn’t turn back to sex, to relationships, it sickened and depressed me. I cut more, tried hanging, failed. tried to pull the trigger and couldn’t. I went to run in front of a car and got tackled by a complete stranger just feet from my salvation. I was so drunk and angry I beat him senseless, knocked out teeth, and was tempted to kill him. A year went by where I laid in bed, and did nothing. I went through withdrawal from alcohol, my parents discovered the cuts on my legs and I had to go though inspections, so I went through withdrawals on that too. It became too much, I shut down. I went through the motions and the emotions, but didn’t feel any of them. I went to work with the one friend who stayed with me, who I betrayed, hurt, and still he stayed. I began to believe the lie I wove, began to feel normal, even while I knew I was dead inside. My friend finally convinced me to date a coworker. I asked her out going 50 down a road. It was almost surreal (not a real romantic guy, if you can’t tell) anyway, I thought I finally found acceptance and the relationship ended after a month. At this point I gave up all hope on a normal life, and I’m going to go buy a helium tank as soon as I get things in order with my friend. ( he won’t accept my decision but I want to make it easier for him) Anyway, I left a lot of stuff out but this was a rant to begin with, I didn’t want anyone to get bored. I also wanted to thank you all for giving me a sense of community, even though I know none of you. (I’ve been browsing this site for a while, but only now mustered up the courage to write part of my story down.) I know I have no right to feel this way, that my life hasn’t been as hard as most, but I can’t see the light, can’t see a future, and I can’t care for myself or others. I’m a monster, a person not only deserving of death but one unable to end his life. Sorry for the rant, and for those who read it, thanks for the time.
6 comments
You’re not a monster. You’ve just had a rough life. (I do feel sorry for the guy who got his teeth knocked out, though, but that’s besides the point.) There is more to life than relationships, cutting, and alcohol. Is there some kind of goal you’ve ever had in life? Something you wanted to do? Please don’t end it now. Please try to find something worth living for.
I don’t think any of us on earth dare say anyone is “deserving of death” – only the person who gave us life can do that (which some believe is God, while others believe is nothingness – and that means those who don’t believe in God should not be talking about what is deserved or not at all).
Anyway, I almost never read posts that are so long but for some reason, I was very drawn to your post. Not too much because of the pitiful/depressing content, but rather, because your language is pretty good (almost perfect grammar, and pretty decent vocabulary)… which is nothing surprising, considering how your parents must have tried their best to put you through top-quality education, and you must have at some point been very diligent under the pressure of your parents.
I don’t have any more things worthy to comment, but a few things I’d like to share with you:
1. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, but I never got down to actually no matter how close I can get sometimes. For me, the fear of eternal hell makes me apprehensive. While I cannot be too sure hell exists, I can’t be too sure either that it doesn’t. Given the Christian’s conviction of such a frightful predicament, it is highly conceivable.
2. I don’t dare to tell you that “there is a light at the end of the tunnel” because even I fear for myself that there will not be light at the end of the tunnel. Nonetheless, it is only logical to hold on to life on earth while you’re still on earth and can expect things on earth. And in so, there so many success stories of hopeless people coming through and stuff. Makes me quite convinced that even if things don’t change, there’s got to be some value in life somewhere.
3. These said, I still struggle with suicide all the time – but, I am still alive.
Nothing to be ashamed of bros….we’re all alike in that if we come from a dysfunctional family and your worth is based on you being a human doing instead of being based on you…a human BEING we are destined for huge personal challenges down the road because things were not set up for in the best way for you by your folks. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally…how does it affect them if you fail or do poorly at whatever?…parents feel it reflects poorly on them so they pressure you, basically on a level they feel ashamed. Otherwise, why do that do anyone….”hurry up”, do better, work harder, be more like your brother or sister.” I suggested this in other posts…watch Homecoming by John Bradshaw. He discusses family systems and what is destined for youngsters in a dysfunctional family and how parents foster a negative out come by their poor parenting skills. Not to judge anyone’s parents..but the REALITY remains….you will turn out a certain way if loved unconditionally, cared for, nurtured, told the TRUTH, respected….everything under the category of love.
If parents motivation was fear projected at their child, the child will come up with all sorts of ways to fill that void that should have never been created had love and genuine care been the order of their life.
You are not at fault….we are all products of our upbringing-we act out what was projected on to us in so many different ways that create unnecessary drams in our own lives….and we’re not even aware of this, thinking it’s all our fault and we’re to blame. Becoming aware of the information that is out there to clear the slate and understand is the best thing you can do for yourself, should you choose to live an authentic life and be a genuine force for YOURSELF in the world. Cheers!
I am horrified you think such horrible things about yourself because I know they are so far from the truth 🙁 you are precious!
I too read your post from start to finish. I guess because a lot of my youth was like yours. In fact a lot of my current life is like that. But you are not deserving of death, you’re not a criminal, and you have lots of time to recover.
I have thought about suicide myself many times, but I must admit I have never thought about it because of girls. I’ve been upset and hurt and agonized over a woman I couldn’t get. But when it came to killing myself because of it, it just seems so stupid. Killing myself over a girl I couldn’t have? The ones who didn’t want me, it is their loss. I dunno, money is tough to get, and having a disease is often tough to remove, but there’s lots of women out there!
I guess I am writing this to you because I found you to be quite thoughtful and intelligent, since you were abloe to keep my attention through your long post. It seems you have a lot going for you, you juts need to know it. Good luck an please write more if you want.
Sorry for the late posts, I was working. I never had a goal in life, I just kind of float on by, the few wants I’ve had for my life didn’t work out. It’s also not about the girls, I’m sorry I conveyed that thought, it’s more that every person I decide to trust breaks it and breaks me a little more. I will admit I’m more sensitive to relationships, but I think that’s due to a lack of a tight knit family, I’m looking for a void to fill, but that’s just a theory. I’ll try to be more active in this site, I really appreciate what everyone is trying to do for each other.