One day at a a time. One day. One. One moment. One long, long eternity where nothing changes. Nothing changes inside me. Outside me. The world, swirling in it’s little orbit and I’m holding on. For what? For the future I’ll never have because I can’t see past tomorrow. For the cat I’ll have when I live by myself because I can’t keep a relationship. For those days I wake up and find that I remember yesterday, yet I don’t really care anymore.
I don’t remember the last time I had a dream. Not a sleeping dream, a DREAM. Something I wanted, something I could strive for, something I could wish for. I don’t have hopes. I don’t have goals, plans. My head physically hurts when I try to think about what I’ll be doing in a month. A year. Five years. Ten, twenty, FIFTY YEARS.
When I was 8, I never expected to make it to 16. When I was 16, I never expected to make it to 18. When I was 18, I never expected to make it to 21. Now I’m 21 and it’s so foggy I can’t see a goddamn thing.
I know I could talk to ANOTHER therapist. What’s that…7 now? Get antidepressants, stall for a few years, but I know. I know I’ll be right back where I started. I suppose since I’m going to die anyway, I have all the time in the world.
I wish I had a passport. A few thousand dollars. I’d leave. Get the hell out of here and just go. Become someone else in a country where no one knows me in a place I’ve never been. Die of alcohol poisoning in a gutter in a slum in eastern Europe. Drown myself in the Mediterranean. Eat a poison dart frog in the deep jungles of Brazil. Swim out to sea without knowing which one and keep going until I can’t swim anymore. Walk naked in the far North until the skin of my feet freeze to the ice.
Maybe I do have dreams.
6 comments
Right On; where you from ?
Many of us are shaking our heads asking the same questions. You sound intelligent as heck, why not help some people manifest their dreams.
I’m crying at what I’ve lost, and pissed. but I do my little bit to contribute and say a positive, uplifting word in this limited shell of a body I’m in.
I helped a guy buy a home, changed two young girls minds about their life and how valuable they are….small potatoes maybe. Every little bit counts when you add it up. Good luck.
“One long, long eternity where nothing changes.”
Why dont u make it change? Your not a tree!
X-Boy, central US.
Softsoul, I feel like a dumbass. I know that I have an above average IQ but when you feel so empty inside, it doesn’t matter. Maybe there’s something I can dedicate my life to that will distract me.
RoyWalker, I’ve been trying to change. No matter what I do, I’m back right where I started. It never makes a difference.
I hear you..I do but it’s not about you, it’s not about me…. not preaching at you either. I feel like sh**, empty, lost, tired, numb. I make the most out of the little things, I mean really little things that I can do.
Small example. I was at an internet cafe yesterday night with a $20.00 bill, attendant couldn’t change it. My bill was $1.50. She said can you come back tomorrow to pay…I went in, and the owner was at the desk, I explained I came in to pay my bill cause the gal the previous night couldn’t make change. He slid my money back towards me after I laid my $1.50 on the desk. I re instilled in this man that there is some honesty in the world. Perhaps I made his day…I don’t know. Everyone’s thoughts are like ripples in a pond…change your thoughts and it affects the whole pond. It’s really small I know, but it makes a huge difference. We can’t discount the little things. You know the saying the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts….it’s kinda like that. Just do your best to be positive…will you feel like a dumbass?…maybe, but it’s the actions that speak. Cheers brother, in a week I’ll be in Brazil seeing a healer who’s orchestrated miracles for thousands….I’ll share how it goes. Good luck.
You know they routinely check the histories on the computers in internet cafes, right? Often while you’re on them from a remote admin computer to monitor your activity as they can’t block ALL objectionable sites. It’s very possible that the attendant noticed you were on this website (or similar ones) and so “couldn’t make change” so you’d feel obligated to live another day.
Good luck with your healer. While I don’t have belief in a god, I do firmly believe in the power of the mind.