General This is me! by Call Me CRAZY 4/12/2011 written by Call Me CRAZY 4/12/2011 This is me theres nothing wrong with me except this mind i got its fucking crazy!!! 31 comments 0 Email Related posts Shit Show 10/26/2021 Disappointment. 10/25/2021 hollow 10/25/2021 :B P.R.I.D.E 10/25/2021 Biased assholes 10/24/2021 10/23/2021 Protected: Why i cant be your friend… 10/23/2021 Choose to live? 10/23/2021 Reasons to Live 10/22/2021 This photo perfectly summarizes how I feel 10/22/2021 31 comments lost121010 4/12/2011 - 2:40 pm alright well talking about gorgeous! Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 2:42 pm Beautiful! 🙂 Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/12/2011 - 2:45 pm thank you but when these thoughts are in my mind everyday i dont feel beautiful i feel like a monster thats why i came to this site to fit in somewhere because i dont fit in with my other beautiful friends Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 2:45 pm i never have ever felt beautiful in my life thats wnhy i always want to loose wieght or change something about me 🙁 Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/12/2011 - 2:53 pm why i saw your picture LOST ur beautiful and definately dont need to loose weight Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 2:54 pm i just want to loose 20 lbs you look like the perfect wieght! Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 2:55 pm :[. Well you came to the right place. Not saying that people here aren’t beautiful because I’ve seen how some of you look and you look great>< I get how you feel though. At times I can accept how I look, but deep down it always gets to me that I'm not good looking and definitely not worth the time to talk to. I hope you find satisfaction in this site… Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 2:57 pm what i love talking to you kayleeee! your a really great person to talk to and your very pretty i just wish i was thin like you guys :/ but yeah i just started usiing the website it def helps tho bc everyone here feels lost (my username) and we all have a story with some kind of twist or turn Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 3:00 pm Agreed 🙂 it’s always nice hearing where everyone’s depression come from. Their stories. But you don’t need to lose weight >.< You look like you're the perfect weight imo. Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/12/2011 - 3:20 pm Everyone has beauty in them somewhere and everyone should feel beautiful but when ur this depressed its hard and im trying not to try to die im trying to live and get through this time in my life and i hope others are trying to live on here as well! Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 3:33 pm alot of people on here just want to let go; when i was 13 i tried to kill myself bc i was being abused by my aadopted mom since i was 6 mentally and physically abused she forced me to take pills she made me feel like nothing but in 9th grade she beat me bc i was hanging out with a black kid my age but a few days before that my sister(who was also adopted) left because she was 20 and my adopted mom was trying to control her (the way she did with me my whole life) just bc her bf was black. and my brother was away in college so i was all alone so she stopped letting me into the kitchen and didnt give me money for food during school( that wasnt new) so i wasnt eating basically and we were always fighting i wasnt allowed to leave my room and this was going on for 3 months but no one would listen to me until me and her got in a huge fight and she was about to throw my head into our stainless steal refrigator so for once i oushed her back and ran i wasnt thinking at all i just ran out the door no shoes just shorts a tank top i ran into the woods and cried i just laid there for a few hours and my friend found me when i got home there were cops there they took me to a mental hospital but when my adopted mom started getting calls from people telling her they know whats going on she ran out but thats when my closets friends and sister started fighting to get me out and they did its been a year and a half and now i can see life always has another side you just have to find it Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 3:40 pm @lost121010: Wow, that’s really rough… I’m glad you made it out. She had no place to put you in, in the first place. You’ve come a long way then.. my life hasn’t been nearly as challenging as that sounds… I’d post my story but I feel like I would never shut up >< lol Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 3:41 pm no share your story please! Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 3:57 pm >.<) Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 3:59 pm >.< okay… Well.. When I was in 5th grade I started to get real depressed. I got my first boyfriend then and life seemed to pretty much spiral downward. My boyfriend decided to just stop talking to me until the next year and acted like I would be there for him.. I was like a backup girl. I never had the abuse from my family other than normal sibling abuse. My sister beat me up a few times and my brother laid on the verbal abuse. (we're past it now ofc.) by 7th grade I thought I had a really good boyfriend and I was ofc a really stupid kid and thought I was in love with him. he gave me a promise ring and "promised he would be with me forever" at the mall outside a jewelry shop where he bought the ring. At this point I had already been hurt by my first boyfriend a few times and dealt with the normal on an off again dating and when Zack came around he was always there… after a year of dating him he started to pressure me into doing a lot of things.. drugs..drinking..sex, the whole deal. I usually didn't give in.. but everytime i didn't give in I would have to deal with getting smacked or punched.. usually in the ribs or face.. He was the first guy who told me I was good for nothing.. A waste of space.. I thought that I had to be with him… we lasted for 2 years and I broke up with him when he hurt me so bad I was in the hospital. After that he harassed me and beat me up whenever he ran into me in the streets. in 8th grade I got beat up by two guys a few years older than me because my locker door touched the one. (silly.) I ended up with a bloody lip, bruised cheek, and bruised ribs. I got out of that school and started to get sheltered because Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 3:59 pm I was pretty much afraid of the world. i started dating someone though who I thought was actually different but it turned out to be a horrible relationship. I was forced to have sex. that relationship ended because he was done with me though. I got the the point where I gave in and thought there was no way out. I’m in 11th grade now and have been in the hospital over 10 times because of fucked up situations.. I’ve tried to kill myself after each break up in my life.. and I started to cut a few months ago. I only have the one friend which is my ex (the one who forced me to have sex) so I still keep myself pretty sheltered. A couple weeks after I started to cut my friend from long distance killed himself and I saw no reaason in living. I took a crapload of pills and cut my wrist and leg hoping not to wake up the next morning but somehow I did. After that I had someone who was actually good for me.. He helped me through a lot and I though.. I had smoething special. He told me he was in love with me and I was in loev with him.. still am.. But one day he tells me.. we shouldn’t talk anymore.. I ended up inthe hospital the following day and have been planning a suicide since. (i left out some more personal things that I’m ashamed that happened to me and it’s pretty scattered but this is kinda my story ><) Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 4:06 pm im so sorry people have really treated you horribly and yeah i was forced into sex thats how i lost my virginity but now i have sex with my bf just bc im afraid he’ll get mad if i dont, but i always want to stop immediately after and ill tell him to stopp but he’ll keep going sometimes i almost cry :,( Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 4:07 pm >.< That's how it was when I was with Zack… 2 years of that too XD I really hope you get out of that relationship.. or it gets better 🙁 I don't want to see someone else fall into the same things I did… Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 4:12 pm but he has never hit me tho im just afraid he’ll get pissed :/ and im going to start standing my grounds really mean it when i say it Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 4:17 pm :] good… if he gets pissed though, he’s an idiot :S… (sorry) I don’t have any doubt you won’t 🙂 Log in to Reply backtrackinlife 4/12/2011 - 4:18 pm will* xD Log in to Reply just Tom 4/12/2011 - 4:21 pm A man that doesn’t respect you is not a man, and not worth your company, face it. Log in to Reply lost121010 4/12/2011 - 4:25 pm @just tom i guess your right but i dont know what to do anymore with my life i dont even feel like i respect myself anymore or that i deserve it i guess thats why i put up with it 🙁 Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/13/2011 - 10:42 am Well heres my story if anyone is interested. My whole life my dad was an alchy and my parents owned 3 businesses and things were okay. When i turned 14 i got my first boyfriend who turned me to drinking smoking and drugs. He also mentally abused me. When we were 17 he turned me to Cocain which i used for a year and spent all my money on. He then beat me and left me for dead in a parkinglot. I started then dating his best friend who got me clean and off of drugs and im still currently dating. My father got 4 DUIs lost our businesses and our house. He is currently on the run with a warrant out for his arrest. I now work 54 hours a week for a very wealthy company and when im not working im taking care of my grandma who has elshiemers and dementia. I dont get a break and my boyfriend is lazy and does not work so im always stressed and depressed. But thats my story there is more details but i just summed it up for ya!!Comment if you’d like! Log in to Reply Scooby 4/14/2011 - 9:12 am @Call Me CRAZY, I got a laugh out of what you said: “This is me theres nothing wrong with me except this mind i got its fucking crazy!!!” That’s exactly how I feel about myself. I have everything going for me, but my mind is so effed up, I don’t stand a chance. Btw, you’re no monster; you’re astonishingly beautiful. If you don’t feel that way, that’s ok, but I think you should be reminded every day. I love your fingers!! Are you a musician? Anyway, it’s amazing what you’ve been through & still had the strength to overcome. It’s hard to rebuild after you’ve been knocked down. But it seems like you have a great positive attitude & a fighter spirit. @lost121010, another inspiring positive attitude: “i can see life always has another side you just have to find it.” And you look so gorgeous & happy in your picture. Whatever you do, don’t lose respect for yourself because that’s how the assholes win in this world. It sounds like the guy is trying to dominate you & has no empathy for you as a human being. Definitely stand your ground & don’t be afraid to go a little batshit crazy if he doesn’t pay attention 😉 @backtrackinlife, that’s unbelievable how much physical abuse you’ve endured. Someone needs to pay those guys a visit in a dark alley with a sack of doorknobs, if you know what I mean. One thing I can’t stand is when “tough guys” think they can get away with beating on women. I have a theory that certain people just want to destroy anything that’s beautiful because somehow it makes them feel powerful. And you are very, very beautiful. It makes me sick to think that guys are victimizing you. On behalf of all the males in this world, I sincerely apologize to all of you for my sucky gender. It seems that a small yet significant portion of us still havent crawled out of caveman times. But it’s great to hear you’re all standing your ground as best you can. You’re all very, very pretty; I hope you realize it. And I don’t mean that in a creepy drooly sort of way (I assure you the only thing I’m lusting for is death right now). Thanks so much for brightening my day. Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/14/2011 - 9:39 am Scooby- No im no musician i do play rock band once in awhile lol im a loan processor and a writer. i like to dance 2. But lately i have no time for anything i like to do and the stress is eating me away everyday. But thank you for your kind words hang in there dont lust for death!! Log in to Reply Scooby 4/14/2011 - 2:30 pm Haha rock band… you should definitely take up the guitar or piano or even something wacky like the contrabassoon. Altho I gotta admit dancing is the best stress relief ever invented. I’m totally lusting for death, but it’s actually a good feeling if that makes any sense. We all need a dream to keep us going, mine happens to be the idea that death will be a wonderful adventure or at least the end of pain. In the meantime I do play the piano & electric cello 😉 It helps sometimes. It’s like dancing but you get to make a lotta noise. Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/14/2011 - 2:35 pm that sounds fun ive just never been to good playing music but i love to listen to it and u need to start thinking about lusting to live because i feel that if your infatuated with death and dying that your somewhat already dead you only get one life to live and u have to live it to the fullest before you do die so if your moping around everyday ur life is already kinda dead. i think about death alot and im very depressed but im trying to get myself out of it and talking to everyone on here is helping me. plus i confided in my mom about my crazy thoughts and usually she doesnt make me feel any better but this time she did. so anyway i hope life gets better for you. whats your name and where do u live scoob? Log in to Reply Scooby 4/15/2011 - 12:10 am Lusting for life… believe it or not, that was me for a long time. That’s prolly why I’m so devastated now. Last month everything came crashing down, and I can’t seem to recover. It gets worse every day, remembering how I great I had it once. Maybe you can relate because it sounds like you once had a very different life, and suddenly it all came apart. I’ve been trying to fight the depression by not thinking about it. Like, staying so busy that I don’t have a spare minute to myself. But at night (and especially in the morning when I wake up) it all hits me so hard, that my life can never be the same again. You’re so right, talking about it helps a lot. That’s so cool that your mom finally listened & made you feel better. This board is a big help, too. The other night I went to a random coffee shop & listened in on other ppls conversations… that was kinda interesting to break out of my own self-absorbed life for a while. But yeah it’s tough coming up with ways to fight the darkness. Oh btw my name is JC (“jaycee”) and I’m in PA. I’m trying to get a place in NYC next month bcos I’m hoping it might help to be surrounded by a lot of noise & distractions. Where are you, and what’s ur name? Log in to Reply Call Me CRAZY 4/15/2011 - 9:19 am My name is Morgan and im an ohio girl my whole life except i lived in cali for a bit and i was in the military for 2 years and then my depression knocked me out of that as well. Log in to Reply Scooby 4/15/2011 - 12:21 am Oh btw if you’re not from around these parts, PA=Pennsylvania, USA! Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.