Because death is inevitable. I will die 70 years from now or I could die tonight and in the grand scheme of things it would make no difference. Like my dad would give a fuck. My mom would be sad for awhile. But she would get over it. Cory would be sad for about a month. When he goes off to live in Idaho. Forget about me when Maria comes around. Seth would be fine. To Jesse it would be like loosing someone to mooch weed off. No girlfriend to give a fuck. Maybe I’ll make it look like a car accident. Then no one will wonder why I did it. It just happened. And it’s as simple as that. That’s where the consequences of me dying end. Some other kid gets into college, some other guy gets the future job I would have had. Whether or not I would of actually met a girl is insignificant since she’ll never know. The world would probably be that much better off.
I wish people knew what I’ve gone through and what is still going on. I’ve been cheated on by almost every girl I’ve been with. Now every girl I try to get with just gets pissed and wants me to fuck off and die. I can do that. I’ve never had much family. Basically just my mom and dad. Dad kicked me out. Mom cares, but lets face it. I’m no favorite child to her. I’ve got my friends. But now they just make me feel worse. Seth has his girl, Cory has his, and Jesse has a new one every month/week. It gets to me. There’s no connection like the one you have with a girlfriend you love. But I’m too fucking picky for one. Plus I have my father’s blood. Which scares me.
From reading this it becomes evident to me that a lot of my depression is based on the people in my life. But there is more. Another main reason is that I try so hard to be a good person and just get shit in return. I give blood more than anyone I know. Shave my head to raise money to cure cancer. Do I get recognized? No. I get caught shoplifting or smoke weed or go to my friend’s too much and I get kicked out. The same goes with all the relationships I was in. I tried hard to make it good. I mean why wouldn’t I? It made me happy to know I could make other people feel good. I’m still like that. Only now I don’t make anyone feel better which makes me worthless. I just want to end it.
Curiosity is what’s keeping me going right now. I wonder if there is a girl out there for me, even though I doubt it. I wonder if I can do well in college and get a career and lead a normal life. I guess it’s possible, but certainly not probable. And I never was much into gambling. Especially with the odds against me. Then it all comes back to the first paragraph. Death is inevitable. Why postpone it? Because life is a gift and we should enjoy the time we have here? That’s what I told the people I helped. What if it doesn’t feel like a gift. What if it feels like a curse and my only way out is death. No one can tell me which is true, but right now I see no gift. Only the darkness waiting for me later in life and in death. I don’t want either but I must choose one.