Because death is inevitable. I will die 70 years from now or I could die tonight and in the grand scheme of things it would make no difference. Like my dad would give a fuck. My mom would be sad for awhile. But she would get over it. Cory would be sad for about a month. When he goes off to live in Idaho. Forget about me when Maria comes around. Seth would be fine. To Jesse it would be like loosing someone to mooch weed off. No girlfriend to give a fuck. Maybe I’ll make it look like a car accident. Then no one will wonder why I did it. It just happened. And it’s as simple as that. That’s where the consequences of me dying end. Some other kid gets into college, some other guy gets the future job I would have had. Whether or not I would of actually met a girl is insignificant since she’ll never know. The world would probably be that much better off.
I wish people knew what I’ve gone through and what is still going on. I’ve been cheated on by almost every girl I’ve been with. Now every girl I try to get with just gets pissed and wants me to fuck off and die. I can do that. I’ve never had much family. Basically just my mom and dad. Dad kicked me out. Mom cares, but lets face it. I’m no favorite child to her. I’ve got my friends. But now they just make me feel worse. Seth has his girl, Cory has his, and Jesse has a new one every month/week. It gets to me. There’s no connection like the one you have with a girlfriend you love. But I’m too fucking picky for one. Plus I have my father’s blood. Which scares me.
From reading this it becomes evident to me that a lot of my depression is based on the people in my life. But there is more. Another main reason is that I try so hard to be a good person and just get shit in return. I give blood more than anyone I know. Shave my head to raise money to cure cancer. Do I get recognized? No. I get caught shoplifting or smoke weed or go to my friend’s too much and I get kicked out. The same goes with all the relationships I was in. I tried hard to make it good. I mean why wouldn’t I? It made me happy to know I could make other people feel good. I’m still like that. Only now I don’t make anyone feel better which makes me worthless. I just want to end it.
Curiosity is what’s keeping me going right now. I wonder if there is a girl out there for me, even though I doubt it. I wonder if I can do well in college and get a career and lead a normal life. I guess it’s possible, but certainly not probable. And I never was much into gambling. Especially with the odds against me. Then it all comes back to the first paragraph. Death is inevitable. Why postpone it? Because life is a gift and we should enjoy the time we have here? That’s what I told the people I helped. What if it doesn’t feel like a gift. What if it feels like a curse and my only way out is death. No one can tell me which is true, but right now I see no gift. Only the darkness waiting for me later in life and in death. I don’t want either but I must choose one.
2 comments
I have been cheated on as i just found out, this is the first time this has happend to me and i have never felt anything soo painful in my life but i just try to keep my mind off it as much as possible i guess this is the denial part.
(my hand and heart are still shaking as i write this)
I have also thought to take my own life and lets face it how hasn’t. But what I keep coming back to is that I should see this world that we live in because it is spectacular, so instead of planing my suicide im trying to plan to see the world. I guess your thinking right now that it costs a fortune to do that, but im st seriously thinking of gong by foot, what differance does it make, I im not in a hurry.
I have to agree with Dr.b3e that was mostly my only way out…. you know? your right you are going to die and life is no gift… but I don’t encourage it… you know? one you have existed for this long with out a girl.. you will continue until you die… why rush it? you have what 70 years you said? I have 60… you don’t have to have pain stop thinking of her as your whole world she was just a part of your story… you will die its is not a possibility it is a fact! why waist the time you have on this chick that cheated on you?
I am 32 I have had 2 marriages your mad if you don’t think that is an ego buster… bust I don’t know if I’m going to live… I know I’m going to die… and I loved my first wife… she bore me 3 daughters…. both of my wives left me because I work to hard.. I am a soldier so I promised god that I would not die… but I was not going to take care of my life… I jumped from air planes I was deployed to Iraq and I am slotted to go to afganistan thing is I know I am going to die why waste it on someone who no longer loves me but someone else? I love them enough to let them go… let them be happy they where a chapter in the story that is your life… let them leave they will be forever apart of you… I am here because I feel the pain of there leaving… but I must continue… if for only the story even if it costs me pain because I have seen the stars and the clear blue sky I have felt the warm touch of a woman I have held my children and I know what it feels like if someone dies on me ( I am a combat medic) thing is ….
that more than anything…
the people that died yesterday…
wanted to live today….
more than anything…
I will not tell you life is a painless gift…..
but it is a gift….
like a wife… or a child … or a pet…
it will grow if you take care of it
even when I run for 4 miles and I feel like dieing I look at the sky and know I am glad to be on this earth…
when I jump from a plane I know the earth is going to be there so I look at the sky…
I’m going to die one day…
and no one will remeber me
but I will know I have lived…
and pain sadness joy and hatred… they will all be apart of me story
so lets here you
whats your story?
me?
I am simple I want a house a white picket fence and children with a wife…
it will come to me someday
one who won’t cheat…
there are billions who I can search from
don’t count your life up
count your life down
if you can remeber that the you will understand that your time is running out
and you are dieing
so as your candle burns…
live…
because you are dieing…
you will find here one day….
say a prayer for me I won’t be around forever…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fRVaAuysfg&feature=related
when you find her don’t let go of her… she will love you forever…