Every time I see or hear about someone who has died, been in an accident or killed in some way I can’t help but think “lucky bastard” or “I wish that was me.” Why can’t it have been me that died? why am I still alive when other people die who want to live?
even when I was holding my mum’s hand as she passed I way I wanted desperately to trade places with her. That is an image that I can never forget.
I want to die but I dont want to kill myself, I just don’t see a point to go on living so I may have to in the end but an accident would be ideal then there would be no questions like ” why did he kill himself?”
Mother I hope you know that I miss you so
12 comments
This whole post sums it up for me.
I feel the exact same way.
Ugh I know exactly how you feel. I feel bad for thinking the way I do like with all those people who died in japan or from that tornado in the south. I’m always thinking better it be me than them. I know I’m probably going to live to be 100 years old. They say the good or the one who value their lives the most end up dying…
Count me in, too. I see so much death around me… that’s the line of work I’m in. Every time I see it, see them desperately struggling to live, I wish I could trade places… it would go so much more smoothly, without a fight. Is this some kind of cruel joke the universe is playing on us?
The universe is a very fucked up place. Ugh… Fuck everything, the universe, life, people everything!!
what makes us/leads us to feel like this? I know a bit about about how things work but I can never understand the why…. I know what you mean saying fuck everything or the the universe is playing a joke …I say it everyday somehow I still try to find something to live for… it dosen’t last for long usually, I don’t blame external factors anymore …just myself…..
All I can think is maybe it has something to do with irony. Your post, all the responses, all the people here…. we see the irony of life… the fact that we desperately want to die but can’t, and meanwhile good people who deserve to live end up dying. Other people can’t see that, so they go on living happy carefree lives. It’s like we have weird x-ray vision and we can see the horror that other cannot.
Or maybe we’re the ones with screwed up vision, and we see darkness & suffering even though it’s not really that bad. I have no clue, I just know that I’ve always seen things this way and it’s awful.
I think I might understand the why. I have a weird idea that the universe (or god or aliens or whatever) are telling us we have to do something. I just can’t figure out what. Suicide is the only thing that would seem to solve everything. Is that the whole point? Life is beating us down because life is trying to tell us it’s time to die? Weird as it sounds, that’s a possibility.
Btw wasted, I’m so, so sorry for your loss…. I do know what you’re going through. That’s exactly why I’m here too. Witnessing the death of someone you love, being powerless to stop it, wishing you could trade places, and missing them so terribly… That’s why I’m here too.
I have thought that also, that we are here to fulfill a purpose and until we do we can’t leave but to me now that is all kinda matrixy stuff. I’m sorry for your loss also, itis hard, although I’m only here partly because of that as I was depressed before she got sick and died.
the universe is to big for us to understand and trying to is, not impossible, but too much for us to comprehend. Fundamentally we are but animals with the same purpose and goal of all other species, the survival of self. We are the only species I know of with knowledge or ability to kill ourselves (as far as Im aware, I could be wrong)…. Sorry this is a bit rambly but I’m studying biology you see so I have to understand the basics of life and all that.
I feel this way all the time, and lately I have let it slip verbally and people look at me so strangely. I want to die, and to be murdered or accidentally killed removes the stigma of suicide and (my biggest fear) the fear of botching it and living all messed up. So I get this 100%.
Oh, I love talking about the biology/evolution aspect of suicide… I don’t know crap, but I love talking about it. I think some animals do “commit suicide” or at domesticated pets will starve themselves to death if they are really unhappy. I learned that lesson the hard way with a pet ages ago.
I think that’s why I have an obsession with starving myself. I see animals do it, and it seems like the “biological” way to commit suicide.
It does seem like the higher up you get on the evolutionary ladder, the greater the inclination toward suicide. A paramecium probably wouldn’t sink into suicidal depression, but a guinea pig, a cat or a dog might.
I agree with what you said about all species trying to survive. But there’s an interesting concept called “inter-species altruism” that baffled even Darwin. You can google all the stories of dogs saving human babies, monkeys adopting dogs, I even read about a lion that was protecting a gazelle. And of course there are many humans who are so selfless that they’ll sacrifice themselves for the sake of a tree or a whale or whatnot. Are all of these things unnatural mutations? Or could it be that, after 10 million years, the “selfless gene” is finally asserting itself?
In the big scheme of things I think we’re still a bunch of bacteria compared to what we will eventually become. We’re all in a soup, killing each other, trying to save ourselves, etc. But in another 10 million years (if we haven’t torched the planet) maybe it’ll be a very different story.
Either way, I aint waiting 10 million years to find out.
Yeah Im aware of lots of cases of interspecies altruism and it is an interesting area. There are species that life co-dependently also so that they have greater chance of detecting predators or they gain some reward from defending a plant against attack. this has probably been happening for 1000’s if not millions of years perhaps altruism is the next evolution?. Most animals including Dogs and monkeys can be trained to do almost whatever you want them to do but you can’t take away there animal instincts. I would happily sacrifice myslf for an animal.
I read an interesting article today about how much knowledge we know and they used an analagy of “a monkey can’t understand quantum physics”. when it is more like “the monkey isn’t even aware of quantum physics existence” so for the amount of knowledge we have there could some stuff we just aren’t even aware of. I guess the question is are they aware that what they are dong will kill themselves?
Yes a paramecium probably would not sink into suicidal depression but cells, all cells, are destroyed through a process called apoptosis.
Apoptosis is a form of programmed cell death, in which a “suicide” program is activated within an animal cell, leading to rapid cell death…. this is usually done to removed unwanted cells. It’s kind of a quality control process.
Yea I’m not waiting around to find out either I don’t think we have 50 years left let alone 10 million
Humans are survival machines but emotionally auto-destructive.