I figured I’d tell my story, given that I decided today that I want to live for a while. I almost let myself bleed to death, but I didn’t want my sister to find me in a puddle of blood in the bathroom. Anyway, I’ve only given you guys bits and pieces you’ve had to gleam from my poetry and such, and that’s not fair. You shouldn’t have to work hard to understand me. But that’s just how I am. No one really knows me, not even my closest friends. My best friend always says that: “Lisa, you’re so mysterious. It’s really cool.” Anyway, I’m 16. I just told you my name. I’m from New England. If you saw me, you’d think: “No way is she suicidal.” I’m an honors student, I teach kids dance, I volunteer, I’m basically a good egg. However, I haven’t been happy since I was maybe 10. Everyone around me dies. It’s true. Not to mention everyone that’s sick. And adults have this unfortunate tendency to cry and tell me their problems, forcing me to become an adult at a young age. As do all of my friends. I got sick when I was 13, and I haven’t been really healthy since around then due to my almost complete lack of immune system, horrible genetics, and body structure. I didn’t tell anyone I wanted to die for a year until my friend got it out of me because I’m honest about the big stuff. Then my other friend found out I cut when I wasn’t vigilant about my sleeve. Most of my friends have let me down in the past year. One of them ignores my problems and just pours out her own, one of them sometimes leaves me high and dry, and another has left me. Lots of them don’t know about my problems. To the rest of the people in my school, I’m just a fashion icon that’s fun to look at and is occasionally interesting to talk to. I’ve tried to stay alive because of the people I know. It’s not fair to them if I die, not to mention all the people I could help in the future. I’m trying to devote myself to helping people, but when I’m all alone it’s hard to care about anything but how bad I feel, and how death might end it. Which I’m sure a lot of you can relate to. For the record, I’m not judging what others do at all in this monologue. Back to the point, I know I can’t look forward to the future. I can’t see it as being anything but a struggle: for the career I want, with my parents, with my depression. I’ll probably be put on medication soon for depression, but then I’ll just be chemically modified, and my happiness will be dependent on a pill. I can still hope though, that it might work. That the pill might work like magic and will change my life, despite it’s circumstances, despite my issues (perfectionism, fear of almost everything, etc) and turn it into a happy ending. Anyway, I thought maybe someone might want to know. Also, on a different note, I’d love to talk to people. I feel I’ve been anti-social. I hate when I turn myself into a lone wolf artist, then I feel like a jerk. So feel free to tell me anything.
22 comments
Hi Lisa. I’m Liz. Thanx for sharing your story :]
Thanks for reading it Liz. 🙂 It’s hard to get noticed sometimes when you’re young, people think you should be worrying about cute boys and other mundane things. You know? I just realized, you commented on one of my songs! Thanks for that, it made me feel good for a long while. That’s why I share with you guys, you’re all so nice. I’ve never heard anyone say anything mean about another person here. It’s lovely. Unlike today, my friends were making fun of this guy and telling him to go kill himself, I wanted to bash their heads in. So would you tell me a bit about yourself (if you don’t mind)? I’d love to get to know people that are more like me 🙂
Well I’m a struggling artist, I’m from Manitoba, Canada, I’m 20 yrs old, my birthday’s in July the 9th, and your welcome Lisa. We can chat again tomorrow if you like. It’s 1:43am where I live and I’m tired and I just wanna sleep. Bye. 😀
Well, don’t feel the need to reply to this then. It’s 2:45 where I am, but I’m a night owl. And that’s great you’re an artist — despite the fact that you’re struggling — I’m sure you’ll make it. The best artists are like us. What kind of artist are you? I personally write and do dance. My parents outright refuse to let me do what I want (aka be a struggling artist) one of the many reasons that I’m as unhappy as I am. Also, I have two cousins your age, not that that’s relevant. Thanks for telling me.
write and dance. cool. You write songs? Do you play music as well? I got these tunes, maybe you can cook up some lyrics, then i’ll sing em. =b
I do write songs, and poems, short stories too when I have enough inspiration. I usually write on napkins and school assignments though, so I don’t have half of my stuff. I do play music, I play piano. I’m going to learn guitar from my dad or my friend this summer. And sure I’ll write some lyrics for you, do you play too? Oh! If you want some inspiration now, you could look back to my last few posts. However, my best stuff are written somewhere on those napkins. I’ll try to find them for you. What’s your story X-Boy?
=)
Check the media thing, I left 2 audio files. Check em out. Just click it and your media player thing will open and it will automatically play the music.
X-Men ( the 1994 animated series ) is about to be on!
im tired =|
Wow. You’re good. You scared me too. You’re second song sounded so familiar, almost like I’d dreamed it or something. And I don’t mean that as it sounds like everything else, it’s very different in a very good way =)
And it is? Cool. I’ve actually never seen it, but I’ve heard it’s good. And that sucks that you’re tired. Me too. Though, I’ll probably be up for a while due to my insomnia. xD Will you too?
haha they’re not ‘my’ songs, i didn’t compose them. I guess, I do have a some case of insomnia, im tired but i don’t sleep till.. late late. I’m just super lazy right now haha.
Well, that’s okay. I like giving compliments. I’m sure you’re good at whatever it is you do. What do you do? And I don’t mean job or major… And yeah, sometimes I just don’t sleep because I’m too lazy to walk to my room and brush my teeth and stuff. Although now that I think of it, it sounds pathetic.
hey Indifference in here, if you’re around. =b
haha.
Hey sorry dancerina, I need to lay back, im feeling weak.
cya =|
=)
Hey dancerina, you said so many things I totally agree with, I don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll just say ‘ditto.’
The whole ‘mysterious’ thing I get a lot …as if it’s a compliment but really it’s just an indication of my inability to share my true self with anyone around me… Is that how it is with you?
And I also agree with how you don’t want your happiness to be dependent on a pill. When you put it that way, it’s really clear that pills, whether recreational or prescribed (what’s the difference except some pharmaceutical company is getting rich instead of a drug dealer?) do the same thing to us… get us hooked & unable to live without them.
On to the art thing… wow, what you do sounds really creative. Do you choreograph dances to your songs? If so, I’d love to see one. It sounds so creative.
Haha, on a totally inappropriate, comedy tangent… have you ever seen the film “Razzle Dazzle: A Journey into Dance”? One of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen…
Anyway, I guess you’ve figured out, you can talk about anything you like here… your darkest, most suicidal thoughts… and nobody will judge you or run away. I hope it helps a little.
Thanks Scooby. I do feel the same way about being called mysterious, that it’s meant as a compliment but actually means I have a lot of things I can’t tell people. I also get that I’m intense, fearless, and fascinating. They also sound like compliments, but actually show that I’m very good at fooling people, at making myself seem like a different person than I am inside. What about you, do you fool people too?
I’m glad you understand what I mean about pills, everyone acts like they’ll change my life. Nothing works like magic. Sometimes they make things worse. Lots of my friends that take drugs (prescribed or otherwise) still have the same problem, they just have the added problem of addiction. But I’m still holding on to hope that they will make me feel better.
I’ve never choreographed to my songs, but that sounds interesting, thanks for the idea. I mostly choreograph for the kids I teach dance to, or I improvise. Dancing and writing calm me. My room is full of papers I’ve scratched songs on and I always have my iPod close at hand for when I have the house to myself. Do you have something like that?
I haven’t seen “Razzle Dazzle”, but I’ll try to find it. And that isn’t an inappropriate tangent, just because I’m suicidal doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate humor. Emo kids can laugh too. 😉 Which reminds me, one of my life dreams is to start a huge jam session in my cafeteria like in the movie Fame. I have a few of my theater friends ready to do that with me in Senior year. Is there something like that you want to do?
And I have figured that out, but thanks for saying it again. No one judges here. People don’t get scared by the things I say, they just understand. I love that, and it does help. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be this way. Do you ever wish you had petty problems like other people? Sometimes my friends talk to me about guys that like me, or their crazy Spanish test and I just can’t muster the energy to care. I wish I could though.
Oh wow you’ve hit some great topics. I love your Fame cafeteria jam session idea. You MUST do it. It would be the coolest thing that’s ever happened to a high school!
My secret dance fantasy? That’s easy… I’m going to rent a castle somewhere, dress up like David Bowie in Labyrinth (only a little looser in the pants, I’m thinkin) and throw a big demented masquerade like he did in the movie. Everyone here is invited. Shall you be attending?
youtube.com/watch?v=VppuD1St8Ec
Dance, music, comedy, the lighter side of life… I agree, these things are all we have to keep us going. Just because we’re going to kill ourselves, doesn’t mean we can’t have a few laughs along the way.
Which leads us to your other great point about maintaining appearances & fooling people. I figured you have that burden too. What do you suppose makes us do it? It would be such a relief to show our true, depressed, suicidal nature… and I’m guessing, like most of us, you don’t really care what others would think… so what keeps us from doing it?
I have a theory or two. THEORY 1 – Maybe it’s not others that we’re trying to fool; maybe it’s ourselves. You know the old Jimmy Durante song that goes something like “Make someone happy and you will be happy too”? I think about that a lot. Despite our miserable lot in life, maybe if we spread the (fake) vibe of happiness, control & contentment, it’ll come back to us in good ways. We may start to believe it ourselves.
THEORY 2 is that we hate society so much that we feel the need to fool them whenever possible. Like if your worst enemy asks you to do something, you’ll instinctively do the opposite because you don’t trust him/her. So rather than showing our true, vulnerable side to our “enemies” we put on a fake mask.
I dunno… what do you think? Any other possible theories? It doesn’t make sense that we would put so much effort into being something we’re not. There has to be a logical explanation.
Oh the pill thing… don’t get me started. I soooo wish I could do drugs & make the pain go away. When you get right down to it, my whole ‘noble’ attitude of not wanting to be dependent is all bullsnot. If I could be sure it would work, I’d pop a pill every hour on the hour. But like you said, I see so many people who are on drugs (prescription or otherwise) and they come down off their highs they are the most miserable creatures on the planet. And they spend all their money on it. Like you said, nothing works like magic. In this life, if you want to fix your mind, you gotta roll up your sleeves & get into your own brain & root out the problems piece by piece. It’s a lifelong commitment that no pill or doctor or magician can do for you.
I really want to hear your songs… when you mention your ipod, does that mean you record yourself playing/singing them? I won’t push it, but if you ever decide to upload to YT, I want first crack at em! I’ve noticed you’ve posted songs here, and I’m looking forward to reading them (I prolly should’ve been doing that instead of typing out this colossal ramble). Lately I’ve been really getting into poetry & abstract expressions of people, particularly those who suffer from the “dark side”. Me, I couldn’t write a song to save my life, tho I’ve tried in the past. I do enjoy living vicariously thru other songwriters & poets whose thoughts express what I feel.
Petty problems like everyday people… I wish I had that. It sucks when your problems don’t fit into any particular category. Say, for example, my problem was a breakup. At least I could find company with all the people in the world who are also suffering breakups. But my problems, whether they’re petty or not, are so bizarre that I can’t even talk to anyone about them. No one would understand. It’s like having an uncategorized disease that no one has ever heard of. Try telling a doctor & you’ll just get a bunch of weird looks. Is that how it is with you?
@dancerina wow reading this ive relized that our stories are a lot a lie i was forced to be happy grow up at an early age to and i really dnt look forward to a fiuture with out struggle or complications either and adults and friends always make me listen to there problems but when it comes to mine theres one two people that will listen or force it out of me
@dancerina hey im brittany wow reading this ive relized that our stories are a lot a like i was forced to be happy grow up at an early age to and i really dnt look forward to a fiuture with out struggle or complications either and adults and friends always make me listen to there problems but when it comes to mine theres one two people that will listen or force it out of me
hey dancerina, im ash, i dont get on much, and i know how you feel about everyone wants to tell you all their problems but they wont shut up for one second to listen to you and see what makes you upset. to me it seems that everyone is one way and it is messed up. I have to go now but ill write more to ya later.
Scooby: I will do the cafeteria jam session, just for you. :] I’ll be the one dancing on the table, and singing obnoxiously loud.
Haha Labyrinth. Please do that. I love castles, and masquerades, the anonymity and creepiness are so fascinating to me. Of course I’ll be attending, I’ll wear an elaborate mask and huge dress. Save me a dance?
I agree with both of your theories about why we try to fool people. I believe in karma, so maybe I do think that if I spread “happiness†that I’ll get some back. The second one I’d like to add on to:
My Personal Theory: I’m a perfectionist. If I don’t get something perfect, I will hate myself even more for days. It makes my skin crawl. I’m as self-critical as a person can get, so I’m terrified that someone else will think bad things about me. Specifically, that they’ll think I’m a mean person not that I’m depressed. I couldn’t give a shit about whether people know I’m depressed. Maybe it’s some residual fear about people hating me that keeps me from showing everyone the real me?
Theory 2: We secretly like the attention. Subconsciously we like that people notice us for our air of mystery, we thrive in it. I can’t say that I hate how I confuse guys, I think it’s hilarious. I love how they need to puzzle me out. So we’re just lying to ourselves when we say we hate that no one knows who we are.
I guess you’re right about the pills, I would take them if I was sure they would always work. However, if they didn’t maybe once, the contrast would be so stark and terrible I’m pretty sure I’d just grab a gun and kill myself right that moment. Not to mention my martyr complex, sometimes I’d rather die than be “weak†enough to have to take a pill to ensure my happiness. (Quite pretentious right?) So I wish fixing my mind was that easy! Sometimes I wish my brain was like a filing system, so I could go through it all, organize it, and throw out the files I don’t want. You know?
You’ll hear my songs someday, I’m super shy though. If I can find the non-crappy songs in the piles in my room, I’ll put them on this site. Then you can read them, and if I can get up the courage I’ll sing ‘em too. :] If I do sing them, I’ll make sure I tell you so you can get to them first. You have first dibs. And haha thanks for reading my old posts, they’re not my best but I like to share. And ooh cool I like really abstract poetry and things too! I only listen to alternative songs because of that…which is what’s on my iPod. Not my own songs, I wish though.
I know what you mean, my problems are outside of the comprehension of most people too. I also have weird ideas and think of things in a different way, so when I share my thoughts I always get a bunch of weird looks. Even you might not get it. For instance, this isn’t a problem, but I still got weird looks for saying it: I hate eating in the dark. Why? Because darkness makes me feel like my food is dirty, or I’m dirty. I don’t like going to dark restaurants for that reason, it just grosses me out. But no one gets that. And I’m sure I could semi-understand your problems, I’m usually very non-judgmental. At least I wouldn’t look at you weird if you did, unless I could somehow manipulate your computer screen to look at you weird (which would be so cool). xD
Brittany: I’m sorry you’re in that position. It’s not fun to be an adult while you should still be a kid, especially when you have no one to talk to. I was like that for years until I finally broke down and told my best friend. I’m still struggling to find people to trust, but people can be nice. People can surprise you. I have hope that your future will be good, mine too. And if you need, I’m around to listen. I’m good at sympathizing :]
Hi Ash! I wish people could be more sympathetic, but the truth is a lot of people are selfish, or unable to handle other people’s problems. What do you mean by everyone is one way though? And I’d love to hear more from you.
it ok im use to it it just sometimes it gets tiring listing to other people when your dealing with a bunch of stuff yourself i have major trust issues so it really hard to find people to trust and i hope it will be to and im here for you to anytime 🙂