Hey,
I know you didn’t ask for one, so I don’t have a poem specifically for you. But I do think about you and hope you are okay. I hope that even though I haven’t seen any posts or replies from you, I hope you are still “lurking” and still here. Hopefully this place still holds some value and you still get some positives for your life by being here. If not, I certainly understand, but this post is in the hope that you read this and get some needed love. I cannot repay what you’ve given me, but that won’t stop me from trying.
Peace be unto you.
FTS
17 comments
Hi FirstTimeSurvivor
I’ve been sort of around… the past couple of days have been tough. I guess it just seems so hard to get out of bed and turn on the computer… Reply and comment or even put up a post.
Today I’ve managed to get up and do some things so it seems like it’s going to be an alright day. It’s taken me a LONG time to go through all the posts I’ve missed and catch up on what’s been going on around here. Haha.
One post that I found was particularly intereting was one by Scooby that was called FirstTimeSurvivor…. OMG lol. I must admit, I have known what you did for a living for a while… I even know your name (I think)- starts with J?
I think this place will always hold some value or me. It’s been a place where I can “vent” and be my suicidal self without the risk of hospitalization.
Thankyou for the post… and everything…
I’ve been really worried about vmy also. How awful, to be so young & so wise. It’s like she’s lived an entire lifetime in 15 years. Vmy, if you’re still around, drop us a line sometime. I know we can’t cure what you’re going thru, but we can talk about it, if that helps any…
Whoa vmy we just posted at the same time… great to see you!!!
Hey Scooby
I’m still around- though everyday seems to be harder and harder…
I guess no one can “cure” me except myself and even within myself, there seems to be a part of me that doesn’t want me to get better.
I really do appreciate what you and FTS has done for me- trust me, it’s alot…
I reckon, for now, I’ll be sticking around.
How have thing been for you?
vmy19 D:*hugz and cries on you* i miss you so much D: I will help you to your every need well most O: *hugz tighter* dont leave D:
Hey vmy, thanks for asking. Things aren’t so hot for me lately. Every day I seem to get deeper into a mess I can’t get myself out of. My own fault, completely. Unless you want to blame whatever cruel forces made me this way.
Hey it’s really cool that you figured out FTS’s secret superhero identity. Maybe one day, in another life, we can all roadtrip out there & see the view as gods.
You’re so right about the “cure” having to come from ourselves.. and how, deep down, maybe we don’t want to get better. I know with me it’s the truth. With me… maybe it’s the same with you… I can’t justify making myself happy because I feel I don’t deserve it. It’s not appropriate. I have more important things to worry about.
But at the same time, if someone were to come along & erase my troubles, I could be the happiest person in the world, spreading joy to all the girls & boys with rainbows & technicolor bluejays flying out of my pockets. Yeah what are the chances of that? The whole things sounds foolish so instead I choose to sink deeper because it’s what I’m good at.
But yeah, for whatever reasons, I think we’re all here because we don’t want to get better. Why else would we be considering suicide? We’ve given up all hope.
SuicideKillMe:thanks 🙂 hopefully, in some way I can be of some help too.
Scooby: sorry to hear things aren’t going so well 🙁 you know, even if you see things as your “own fault, completely,” when you somehow manage to get out of it, it’s also all YOU completely.
FTS- if you’re reading- don’t want to freak you out but I’m pretty sure I know who you are ;D … If it’s any consolation, here’s a bit of me: vmy is my initials and 19 is the date I was born.
But yeah, scooby- it is kinda cool. One day, I think I’d really like to go “out there,” especially with you guys- even if it is in another life.
I know what you mean about not feeling like you deserve happiness. Sometimes, I’ll tell myself, “you are going to get out of bed today and you’re going to do something fun.” but then… “why should I do something good for me? I mean, I haven’t even done anything, so why should I deserve to have fun?” and it is because I have no answer that I fall back into my bed and attempt to sleep off my horrible thoughts.
*sigh* if only someone COULD erase all of our problems! Then sites like these wouldn’t have to exists. However, if sites like these didn’t exist, then I wouldn’t have met such awesome people like you and FTS!
Anyways, you mentioned that things were kinda piling up in your life. Anything you want to talk about? I hope things start looking up. I read some of your past posts- I hope that the person who’s making your life
… Difficult will suffer in some way. (sorry- I accidentally hit “submit comment”)
@vmy – Cool, glad you’re still here. This helps make my day, to wake up, log on and see you here. Thanx. btw, my name does not start with J 🙂
@Scooby – Looks like I can keep on fighting crime without getting new spandex
Aww D: … And I really thought I had you figured out lol.
Haha. Oh well- can’t be right all the time. Your identity still remains secret. However, as to your job- not to give too much away (who knows; I could be wrong) but does it have something to do with the sky. That’s very general I know.
When I wake up, it makes my day when I see your poems 🙂 but sometimes, just waking up is so difficult.
Haha FTS your secret crime fighting identity is safe with me. Tell me bout it… good spandex & capes are hard to find. I hear Elvis bought up the entire store.
@VMY – I knew it! You’re Victor Young, born in 1900, famous musician who wrote “When I Fall in Love”
What do I win???
About erasing all our problems… I was thinking the other day, what if we could just erase our memory. Would that do the trick? Or is depression part of our personality, and it would come back no matter what?
I’ve always had that nagging feeling of “I don’t deserve happiness” even before I had a reason to say it. Happy moments would always feel counterfeit, like fate was teasing me only to drop me on my butt. And that was always the case. Still, I learned to enjoy the good times while I could.
But now things are different. I purposely won’t allow myself to be happy. If I catch myself smiling, I immediately remind myself of something horrible just to bring myself down. The funny thing is, I feel in control this way. More stable. No more ups & downs…… just downs.
Something huge would have to happen to make me change my mindset. And that change would have to come from the outside, because I’ll fight it like a crazed ferret. Jeez, with an attitude like this, it’s no wonder I’m not getting any better.
Another life, my friends… maybe that’s what it’ll take for us to dump this lousy lot. Then we could go flyin high with the caped crusader 😉
@Scooby – hmmm never thought about having my mind erased. Not sure that would do it. I’ve read and been told that depression is in how the brain works. That’s why “they” feel that drugs help. So I’m thinking that erasing the memory wouldn’t fix it. You would just be depressed without all the depressing memories.
@vmy – the sky, ah yes, the sky. The clear blue sky. yes.
Hahaha. Wow, if I were him, I’d have celebrated my 110th birthday!
So close on the name though. My real name’s Victoria. And it means victory in Latin. But I am not winning against this depression right now.
As for what you win, my best guess is a cyberhug 🙂 so: *hugs*
I like to think that depression is just this monster inside of me- separate, but living within me. The sad thing is, I’m not sure if he’s living in my soul, or my mind, or my physical body. If it were in my physical body, I’d like to think that another body or at least killing this current body I’m in would make it go away. Same goes for my mind. However, if it were in my soul, I guess it will always be there- and this thought terrifies me.
There’s this other thing I do when I don’t want to feel happy. It’s like, I don’t want to smile, or laugh, or have fun because then I’m scared that I’ll think that everythings ok, and so I’ll get my hopes up that everythings going to be ok- but it’s not. Because it only takes one little thing to stuff things up and make me feel like crap again- and that one little thing happens all the time.
Just out of curiosity- but this huge external change, would this be some sort of manifestation of love (as in a significant other or family) or like a significant event (idk, like being diagnosed with cancer or something)? Maybe I’m interpretating this wrong, but still…
Because from the way I see it, I guess you can kinda shape things around you to make you happy. Like surround yourself with good friends or good music or good food! I mean, those count as external right? And they’re huge in a way that they impact you. I guess it all comes down to mind set but that tends to be screwed up in alot of us lol.
… Flying sounds lovely to me …
@FTS – I agree, unfortunately. If you ever get a chance, check out the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” about a service that erases people’s unhappy memories. But traces always seem to come back… great movie…
@VMY – Hey I’ll take cyberhugs any day 🙂
Maybe your Latin name is yet to be realized….. a challenge to see if you can live up to it?
About the monster inside… wow… you posed the million dollar riddle. “I’m not sure if he’s living in my soul, or my mind, or my physical body.”
One of the reasons holding me back from suicide is the idea that the monster is part of our soul. If there is an afterlife, or any continuation of our identity, it would make sense that the next incarnation would be an extension of the present one. In other words, I don’t think death will suddenly make you into a shiny happy person if you’re a depressed wretch.
To me, when you die, either there’s nothingness…. or there’s a continuation of what you are. The challenge, then, is to expel the monster from your soul while you are alive, so by the time you die you are free of him, and your next incarnation will be happy(er).
So in that sense, those who commit suicide because they’re depressed do indeed go to “hell” …or the same exact thing they went thru before.
I think life is our only opportunity to cleanse ourselves. Die happy, and your next life will be happy. Die wretched, and your next life will be just as miserable.
Or maybe there’s just nothingness. I could live with that.
As for me… yah you sorta guessed it… I lost someone a few months ago. All my efforts couldn’t save her, she withered away & died right in front of me. So I’ve declared a state of eternal mourning. It also explains why I’m so obsessively trying to save others. I’m trying to ease my guilt for the one I couldn’t save. No luck so far. No luck at all.
That’s why I can’t go out west & enjoy myself. I’d love to get away from it all, feel light as a feather… But the guilt on my soul is so heavy we’d all crash.
@Sccoby – I think you just talked me into living. The thought of still being depresses after I die…. OMG, that would SUCK! I have always believed that my, well for lack of better word, “conciousness” lives on after my body dies. I guess the best I could hope for would be the nothingness, but it’s gonna take some convincing for me to believe in that.
So now, I’m thinking that I have to be prepared. Prepared to die as soon as I have that one fleeting micro second of happiness.
Brilliant deduction, sir! If you can find that fleeting micro second of happiness and die at that moment, you win! (if my theory is correct)
But who wants to die when they’re happy? Usually when you’re happy you want to live forever. So I guess, yeah, you gotta be prepared& you gotta stick to the plan..
Or how’s this… you gotta get more than just a fleeting micro second. You gotta get ‘true happiness’ …the kind that never goes away… Then you can take your time & die whenever you want.
heh heh yeah, I didn’t really consider that if I was happy I wouldn’t *want* to die
hmmmm happiness that never goes away now *there’s* a concept! Of course I’ve never considered that either. I always thought that was some sort of fairy tale or something. Your theory sounds good though, happiness that lasts so you can die your slow painless death. There you go, that’s all you gotta do. Find eternal happiness 🙂