This morning, I thought about killing myself. I was laying in my boyfriend’s bed, having argument the night prior and having my mom fuss me out over the phone. It had me feel useless. Hopeless. Unnecessary. Just low. I’ve had suicide thoughts off and on since I was 6 years old. I’ve even tried it. On the road, I would think about driving my car under a truck and explodes. But this morning, I was thinking of ways to actually end it. I was so calm thinking about it. Thinking how easy it will be for people to forget about me. What would they say about me? Would they grief? The world still goes whether I’m here or there, so it doesn’t matter. But what stopped my thoughts, was having my boyfriend there. I said to myself “I’m useful to someone right now.” I asked him to lay on me and told him how important he is to me. He had no idea why I was being all touchy feeling all of a sudden. In fact, he text me later that morning saying, “I just needed a little space.” He doesn’t have a clue about my suicidal thoughts. If he did, I knew we would argue more and he’ll think less of me. But for right now, I’m needed by someone. To be there for him. For now at least.
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Hello
I can in your short paragraph see a couple of things. It seems to me that for years you are sensitive and fragile to a vulnerable point. Either you still needed more solid love during childhood, you have extraordinary sensitivity, both things together, or there were other factors of absence of essential things that left you delicately vulnerable to emotional aggresions, whether they are arguments with loved ones, unfortunate events in life etc. So, this point today, this morning that you rose from bed today can be a beginning to start addressing those issues.
You would be surprised my girl that people often carry on through life suffering just because they never understood the reasons why they were that way, or what affected them so as to be that way. You refer here that a 1 – 2 -1 box punch by your boyfriend and mother knocked you down emotionally, and you started again to contemplate the suicidal ideas.
Contemplating suicidal ideas is not the end itself, it is a way to realise that there are things that can be approached in order to change that. In many cases they are obvious reasons. In others, people think about suicide because they feel down but they dont know why they were that down for something that for example would not have affected other persons the same way.
The fact that you told your boyfriend, lay down by me, and how important you are to me, should have rung the bell in the understanding of the boyfriend that there was actually someone calling for something else than just lay down by me. He is still probably young and just missed it.
It cannot be accepted that you are afraid to tell him about your problems because you would argue even more. For gods sake! this is precisely when he has to prove what he is capable of giving from himself to you. This is what loves is about, not about enjoying the nice times.
Take “his needed space” and talk the whole matter over with him. If your boyfriend cannot live inside your heart and your mind so as to hear when it beats faster then you need to fix that. A boyfriend must be able to feel the extra hearbeats of the girl at any time during the night and day.
regards
O
You are so blessed to have a boyfriend who needs you.
-sigh—- my main point of why I want to die is because I can’t connect with people well because I’m gay (lots of social fears) but if I could be a girl and trully connect my soul with my body I think I will survive life and it’s difficulties.
You don’t know how lucky you are.
thank you oracle and moe.
oracle, i understand exactly how you mean. its weird that a stranger knows me better than me. we are young. im 19 and his 20. he says i get too sensitive and blows little things into big things all the time. he said he wanted some space that morning but for me, that means more. i was only over his house for 2days and his already talking about some space. its not like i followed him to the bathroom or anything crazy like that. i try not to tell him about my heavy thinking because i dont want him to go away. we broke up before and recently got back together. we were friends during our brokeup while he was dating his ex. which was hard for me but i was still there for him. their relationship fell apart. for the 6th time. not gonna go into much details on that. jerry spinger type. but he says his IN love with me. and wants to marry me. have a child by me. all that sweet stuff. but its easy to say it, then to actually do it. its hard for me to believe those words again, considering the fact ive heard it before from him, but we brokeup. so its hard to accept them again after everything thats happened. we were dating for only 4months, then we broke up for like 3 months. now, in april he asked me back out, so its only been a month since we’ve started back dating. i personally dont believe in that whole on and off again relationships. they dont work. but he said every lasting relationship goes through at LEAST ONE breakup. so if we breakup again, its really over. but im worried that he just loves me for the fun. not for the better or worse. because these 8 months that ive offically known him, my feelings havent changed. its hard to say about him. i hope he doesnt love me as an idea of love. like loving me just because i love him. and he might not be able to handle my moods like this. like this morning, we texted and i tried to tell him how i felt. not about suicide, but other things. “what is up with u. everytime u get yelled at by ur mom, u get soo sensitive. you’ve heard this all of ur life. u should b stronger than this” i told him if she yellin at me about me and it right bout it, i care more. “well when u know someone is right, dont get soo damn down. how can u say ur a strong woman and u dnt act it” “i havent said that” “u acted like it when we wasnt together” “um probably a front 2make u think i was over u” “so what ur trying to say is u need help to stay happy” “no thats not what im saying” “monica u know i care. y do u need more proof. r u gettin insecure?” “no. im sorry” and that was the end of that conversation. oracle, love isnt about all the good times. ive learned that. its also about how willing you r to stay by someone side even if its hard. thats what ive done for him. but im worried its not mutal. thats why i turned to this site. having mere thoughts of suicide is an serious issue. and its something i have to control. i used to be an cutter and it was hard to stop, but i achieved it.
moe i know being gay in todays world must be seriously emotionally hard for u. and im sorry about that. i really hope u can find support groups and make friends so u wont feel alone or ashamed. it takes courage to stand up for who u r. not what u are. but truly who u r. yes i have a boyfriend, but i had to be comfortable with myself 1st. thats what u should do also. i wish u all the luck. and thank u for reading