Hurt me.

At some points in my life I feel absolutely still, like there’s nothing but silence, it hurts more tha the worst sounds.

I’m pulling away from everything and I don’t know why. I normally hang out with my two best friends, one’s a girly girl and the other…well she classifies herself as a scene, and I’m emo. But I usually talk with them every morning but I didn’t today, and I have no idea why.

They asked later on “what’s wrong” I just said I wanted to be focused on school (if you knew me you would figure out that I detest, loath school and want nothing to do with it.) they didn’t believe me until I said I wanted to pass this year and they accepted my excuse.

I use to hate feeling alone, sitting by myself in the morning waiting for the bell to ring to start class or hell eating alone at lunch. But now? I find pure solace in it.

I want to tell my friends to fuck off sometimes and give me space, but they’ll assume that I hate them and therefore lose them. I’m just not in the mood to socialize after this weekend, which is weird because I was hanging with one of my friends I knew since I moved her, and she’s not exactly emo either, she’s more of a sporty person.

I don’t even really care what I do in school anymore, I use to hate singing in class and now I do, sure I sing silently but I use to never do that.

I don’t know exactly what triggered this behaviour/feeling but honestly? Feels freeing, like there’s no strings attached, that I’m not longer a puppet on strings.

Sure it may sound kinda odd maybe even weird but I think of it as a “breather” a time away from my friends, even though don’t really know that…

I don’t even really know what I’d consider my mood right now, I’m leaning against neutral but I’m not sure. There those days where you wake up and you feel like a different person each day, or have a different mood each day.

^ This happens to me all the time. I don’t even really know who I am now. Not any of that teenage “who am I?” crap, but more like I lost my identity along the way and I’m trying to retrieve the pieces but am failing miserably.

My parents say that this is just a phase: being emo, my identity problem, avoiding my friends, etc. I love my parents to death and they are always honest with me and give me more freedom than any teen would have, but I have a feeling that this isn’t a “phase”.

I’m  not really sure as to why I wrote this long rant and I’m sure that no one would read this because it’s really long from the looks of it, but if anyone does I probably sound like a problematic child.

Lost all my sanity? think so…

-Becca