I’m not some one who normally does this sort of thing but right now, I just need someone to understand. No-one else does. It’s not the first time I’ve battled depression, last time I was 15 and in boarding school. But then I got molested and this just set me off the edge. I guess I’m what you’d classify as a suicide survivor. I moved country and school and escaped my memories, but not my liking for pain medication. My counsellor believes that I use overdosing on pain meds as a form of self harming. But I had a good few years (without the self harm) finishing high school, and it looks like I had everything; I had good grades, I got into a good university, I had friends, I had a boyfriend.
I moved to this city because my mum wanted me to move here and my boyfriend was here. But I haven’t settled in at all. I have no friends here (literally, I have no one) and I have no support system and I no longer have the boyfriend. My closest friend is 10,000 miles away. My only family is my mum, my aunt and my alcoholic father, all who live a minimum 8 hour flight. I know what I want. I want to leave this country and go somewhere else. It all sounds so easy doesn’t it? And it would be if my parents were supportive. But they’re not. The alcoholic father doesn’t even know whats going on in my life and thinks I’m feeling a little bit ‘blue’ and that I should just get on with it because its not that big of a deal. My mum on  the other hand is worried sick about me. But she doesn’t want me to leave Australia. She doesn’t want me to transfer universities to the States, Europe, Canada or back home to the UK. Logically, going back to the UK would be the easiest and I’d only be an hour flight from my aunt. At least I’d have someone close to me. But she says she won’t emotionally support my decision and she won’t financially either. I’m not eligible for a loan either since I’ve been away for so long. So I’m trapped. Its my life and I feel that I’m spending so much energy just trying not to drown in hopelessness but I just want to let go. Everyday, she asks how I’m feeling, well to be honest, what’s going to change in a day? Am I suddenly going to wake up from this nightmare? Am I going to feel like I can get out of bed and go somewhere without crying? Or am I going to agree to go on anti depressants? She’s really keen on the anti depressants. I think its so she can justify her decision to make me stay here if my mood is controlled by SSRI’s. But I don’t want to be a mood controlled zombie. I feel what I feel because of my situation. Forcing my moods to be stablised isn’t going to change the situation.
And I know everyone who isn’t feeling what I feel would say that suicide isn’t the answer, that you’ll upset the people you leave behind. But I’m upsetting my mother as it is, she can’t sleep at night and I’ve caused her health problems. I seem to be the problem in her life and surely just by taking the problem out of the picture, things would be easier for everyone involved. My parents wouldn’t be stuck with the financial burden of me, nor would my mum be so stressed. Does anyone else imagine their suicide? Because thats the only thing that I can imagine recently. I don’t have a silver lining.
So I guess thats my rant. If anyone actually read this, then I’m sorry. I just needed an outlet to explain how I feel.
7 comments
if you need someone to talk to im 17 and unfortunaly i konw EXACTLY how you feel my email is tigger944@yahoo.com just send me an email or add me on facebook and we can talk im here for you anytime.
Hey im from australia. Where abouts are you?
Real life can be a ***** because it’s very limiting,
u’re trapped in ur limited physical body,
and not to mentioned all the socio-economic factors
How many kids are committing suicide in India, for example, all because they’re simply feeling trapped and pressured by their limiting parents and school’s absurd high requirements and expectations?
And then even if u managed to graduate school and uni, ur workplace and society will be happy to limit u again & again.
Ideally, a person should be able to express freely of oneself, without any restriction and limitation whatsoever
But then, those Establishers would say that would be dangerous because it will lead to anarchy and total chaos, sort of like Joker in Batman.
Me? I’ll say since real life is already a ***** enough,
just try go and do whatever it is you like within those damn limiting means and circumstances of yours currently,
It’s okay to do it one by one first, slowly but sure, u don’t have to do all by once, just take ur time, no stress,
and as long as it can make u eventually understand that there is still a thing called Happiness, warmth, friendship, and beauty…all those things in our so-called Life.
Real life is a *****,
so don’t make it even more bitchier.
Just go and do what u want,
U’ll never know what will ever happen if u just sit around and do nothing about what ur heart wants.
if you need someone to talk to im 17 and unfortunaly i konw EXACTLY how you feel my email is tigger944@yahoo.com just send me an email or add me on facebook and we can talk im here for you anytime
Your feelings of being a burden to others burden YOU. Your pain is deep and from where you sit right now, it seems unimaginable that things can get better. It won’t be easy, but they can. You need a bigger, better support system, meds can help–they won’t do it all–and your best life is sitting on a shelf waiting for you to find it. I know I am not in your shoes, and I don’t know all of what you need, but keep ranting if it helps. Suicide won’t help, although in dark despair the thinking about it is understandable. I know I am a stranger, but I care about you, and I don’t just want you to live, I want to create a fulfilling life that has value for you. As for upsetting your mom, let me tell you something, if I may. Part of unconditional love is that you would swim across an ocean or cut off your limbs to help your child–anything at all. I lost that opportunity myself earlier this year when my only child, my daughter killed herself in lieu of letting me or anyone help her. My guess is that she too felt like she didn’t want to be a burden. Now her remains lie inside a coffin at the cemetery. Don’t live for others, but fight the good fight to live for you. You do your loved ones no favors to disappear from this place. We are all going to die. I only ask that you consider doing your best to find, dust off and live your blessed life –even if at this moment you don’t think you have one. I care about you.
If she loves me so much then why won’t she support what I want to do and make me stay somewhere where I feel like this?
@sadgirl
It makes me very sad, that you just dont seem to appreciate the love of a mother. Travelling to another country is just a fantasy of idealising things. The true things are made of flesh and blood, and even more if they are of your own and come from someone who loves you.
You are all your mother has, you are the most precious creation of her, and if she is malasyian or Asian, even more, because that culture really creates bonds in the family.
I wish I had had one time in my life truly someone who had loved me, whether it had been a family member or not. I am not moaning, but I can tell you that it does create incredible transformations in the resources of a person. Ignoring that the way you do it, sounds…selfish to me.