I had some conversation online here. It really helped. During that conversation of about 2 hours, I wrote like 4 poems. Here is one that hasn’t been posted yet. Untitled.
=============================
It’s all about
“Do I want to live?”
and just how much
I have left to give.
I am out of strength
and have lost my will,
but I must have anger,
’cause I just want to kill
myself.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
My cats, my poems
that’s all there is,
I was a man,
now just a shell of his,
keep on livin’
I guess I’ll try
but it’s really hard
when I’m all by
myself
22 comments
I like how the last line in both verses are “myself” and how they are separated from the rest of the poems “flow.” – really emphasizes aloneness.
“I guess I’ll try
But it’s really hard
When I’m all by
Myself”
It’s great that you’re trying despite the difficulty of it.
Just wanted you to know, when you’re trying, or when you’re not- I’ll try my best to be there. I know I’m not exactly living next door and that I’m no professional psychologist or anything, but over the Internet I’d be happy to talk with you.
I like talking to you and scooby and all the other people on here 🙂
thanks vmy. believe me, I think last night purged some of the demons. between talking with you and for some reason while I was, all these poems came out. between talking w/ you and the poems, it really started the long climb up
You know, maybe this rough patch in your life now, is like a volcano eruption.
When a volcano erupts, sure, there’s destruction- homes are lost, crops are lost, and peole die too- as the ash and lava gushes through peoples houses and land. But the ash and lava that sweeps through the land actually strengthens and helps the crops on the land and better produce blooms.
This might be a stupid metaphor but the way I see it, this dark time in your life- it’s like a volcano eruption. Bad things happen, but good comes out of it. In your case, this good is all the writing and poetry that’s coming out.
Actually, I like that analogy. and being that you’re in Indonesia, it’s appropriate 🙂
I’ve been thru some deep cycles before (none this deep), so I know if you can survive them, things do get better. It’s hard because just like the ash making better crops, it takes time.
I don’t know if the good is my writings. I do know that my writings for some reason (it must be a type of venting) help bring about the change in direction, from a spiral down to the long climb back up
True- sometimes it can take a long time.
I know what you mean about venting. When I’m feeling really strong emotions, I will just scrawl words all over my journal. For me, it doesn’t really help me change directions- rather, it helps me scream silently so others don’t hear.
But it’s good to hear your climbing back up 🙂
thanks, you have helped alot. This climb is going to be a long one.
Good luck with your climb.
I’m hoping to climb the same ladder up.
I really hope things go ok for you.
FTS, it’s so inspiring to see you taking the (long) path to recovery. Vmy really nailed it… The volcano analogy is perfect. There will be a long period of scorched, barren land, but eventually things will grow again if you let it happen.
About the poem, vmy nailed it again… The floating line “myself” really stresses the aloneness. But at the end of the poem I feel like it’s stressing independence. In a good way. I guess when we struggle out of our ashes it’s always by ourselves since very few people understand what it’s like to hit true, suicidal rock bottom. Good luck on that climb, man.
If I had found this site BEFORE my attempt, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t have made that attempt. But I think a couple of things: one, the farther down you go, the longer the climb back up, which is why I know even though I might be headed up the ladder, it’s going to be a long climb, just because of how far down I was. I may also get stuck on a rung or two for a while (the trick is to not look down). I may even slip and fall, or get disoriented and climb down instead of up. That’s just how life works.
Two, I do believe that in the long run, others can only help. And they can only help so much. I believe that in the long run, you are the only one who can save yourself. So much of this life is within the individuals realm of control, which is what makes life so overwhelming for a lot of us. Especially when no one is there to help. It’s usually too much for one person. I am a very independent person and usually refuse to ask for help. If I ask for help, boy you know I really need it. Which is why it hurts so much when people that I’ve let close to me (another thing I don’t do much) belittle me or scold me or what ever it is they do instead of help. I did not search out suicide sites on the internet in an effort to reach out for help BEFORE my attempt. I probably shoulda. And although the two of you “saved” me, what you did was help me save myself. There was no one here when I took down the rope. It was me who took down the rope. So when you say that the last Myself in the poem stresses independence, I believe you. I just write what I feel and it is cool to see how others interpret them.
Sorry for the rant 🙂
Gawd FTS, we’re like twins. The things you write are so close to my own thoughts I feel like I’m reading one of my own posts!
Others definitely help. They are like the booster rockets that get us up into the air. But when it comes down to it, we as individuals have to learn how to fly. Of course that makes it so devastating when your ‘booster rocket’ fails. I’m like you… I never ask for help. I have a brother who is constantly asking for money & favors from my parents, but I’ve only asked them for help twice in my life. Once was for a 20k loan so I could buy a house (which they turned down). And the other was last month when I said, “I’m begging you for help so I won’t kill myself.” They ignored it as if I hadn’t said anything.
I think that was the last straw that sent me to Suicideville. The thought that my own parents who forced me into this world don’t give a rats posterior about whether I live or die.
I had one girlfriend 10 years ago… gawd she was great… she literally put blankets in her car, dragged me down there, tucked me in the back and drove me to a psychiatrist. Angels like that are very rare on this planet. For the most part we have to deal with disappointment and people who don’t care. Especially family members. One sad thing about this site is reading how many young people are getting NO help from their parents. In many cases, the parents are pushing them down even harder.
I think, like you said, we have to swallow the fact that we’re independent souls and we’re basically in charge of our own destiny. It’s a scary thought, but once we grasp it, maybe life won’t be so full of disappointments in others.
Well wow, there’s a rant right back atcha! I do enjoy talking to you because we seem to view things the same way. And we both believe in the power of the self.
Scubes – this is the stuff that saved me…. and since vmy mentioned it and you mentioned it earlier, I just now wrote a poem with you in mind but the subject is hope. I hope you like it. Look for the post “Plant a seed”.
Sometimes it amazes me how the ones who tell you they love you and supposedly care the most are the ones who turn their back.
yeah, don’t get me started on parents today or there will be no end to my rant 🙂
That GF… 10 yrs ago… dragged your butt to the car. In my case, that’s the one that gave me my first journal. Even though we don’t even communicate any more, it still pains me to know I screwed that up.
Man, this is to weird. So much (if not all) of what is said in this post is exactly the way I feel and think. It may be be more like triplets here. There is so many things that I want to respond to but it would such a take a long response.
The only reason that I found this site was because I was “researching” ways to kill myself easily, quickly, and with as little pain as possible….
@wasted – I can only say don’t do it….. I don’t know how why or what, but If you’ve read the whole story….. I’m still trying to figure it out. All I know is, that I have found something here and the least I can do is try to return the favor….. it’s hard for me to say to anyone else, don’t do it, when I have…. and it may even sound hypocritical. I don’t mean it that way, all I know is that in less than a week, since I’ve made the attempt and found this place, I’ve learned so much and found a way…. with people like you who maybe unknowingly help. I just want to return the favor.
Please stay here and talk, it’s about the only thing that keeps US going….
@wasted – Welcome, I’m so sorry that you’re here 😐 FTS is so right… you gotta stick around & talk about it. It’s your only hope, unless you can find people in real life to talk to. Look up FTS’s story, beginning with the post “today was the day”, read his poems, how they’ve transformed from utter despair to hope… you’ll see the most amazing story of a soul fighting back from the darkest pit. It really makes me feel great & helps silence my own demons to think I was a part of it. We’re all a part of it, just by listening & talking, even if we don’t know what to say half the time (I sure as heck dont). Say anything around here. That’s what I love about this place. No attitudes, no judgement, and no cops throw you in jail for expressing yourself, right FTS? 😉
@FTS – I am absolutely floored that you had me in mind when you wrote “Plant a Seed”. That one really grabbed me. I guess it’s only now sinking in that I actually made a difference in your life(death). I usually screw things us so bad, it’s really a new feeling to do something right!! You in turn have become the main reason why I keep coming back to this site every spare minute I have… It’s because I see how strong you’re fighting to help not only yourself but others. There are so many tortured souls here… Your story of coming back to life (from the end of a rope, no less) is exactly what this site needs to give others hope. I love the way your solution was so simple: talking, writing, interacting. This is something we can all do. You bet your ass you’re bringing us hope & planting a seed. You’re the cyber-equivalent of that GF many years ago who saved me, or the one who saved you. Yes, its very sad to think we loused up a good situation…. but maybe their purpose in our lives was just to plant that seed. And now, even at our lowest, we have the opportunity to do it for others 🙂
@scooby – yes I have been following all that has been said on this site, mainly the ones between you, FTS and vmy and it has defo been an eye opener for sure, very surreal in fact and you could not be more right that you can say just about anything on here without judgement, I mean I have people in real life that I could turn to if needed but they are also the people that I want to protect, for lack of a better word, I guess I don’t want them to know for fear of making things worse….if that makes sense. this place has been a life saver.
Hope is the only thing we have because once you lose hope what else do you have?
@wasted – I can understand you wanting to “proctect” those close to you. But nothing will replace talking and interacting with others about your closest feelings, even if those feelings are about wanting to kill yourself.
I have found this place to be unique in that you can discuss feelings that are “unacceptable” in “normal” society without not only fear of being jailed, but people here don’t judge you or tell you it’s wrong either. We’ve all had those feelings and know the pain.
@Scooby – floored? what you didn’t think I appreciated what you did? 🙂
It’s true. Sometimes we just go about doing what we do and we don’t realize just how we’ve touched someone. I’m sure that’s your case here. You were just here doin your thang, when I stumbled in here, still light headed from my ordeal in the garage.
No one can really truely understand what you/we go through unless they have experienced it (or something similar) themselves. In saying that, doesn’t mean I should’nt try…. I dont know…for me its not so much wanting to kill myself more finding a reason to keep living I mean I’d love to choose when where and how I die but at the same time leaving it to chance has it’s appeals as well, I’m just tired of waiting
Hey wasted, I see your point completely. When you share your feelings & it falls on deaf ears, it’s even worse than not saying anything at all. And when I say ‘deaf ears’ I don’t mean insensitive people…. but like you said, some folks just don’t understand what we’re going through. It’s like talking a different language, you just get weird looks of disbelief, making you feel more frustrated.
I also know the situation of trying to protect others from your pain. I don’t have children, but (this might sound weird) I feel a responsibility to protect my pets from my foul moods. Animals are so sensitive, they can feel when I’m going batshit crazy, so I have to really act strong & cheerful around them otherwise they all get depressed. Maybe that’s something like the situation you’re in. For what it’s worth, my solution is put on my plastic happy face for a few hours of the day, then run off by myself somewhere else where I can be the real me, get on this site & blubber in my beer to you guys. FTS mentioned once how in real life he’s totally in control, and I belive it. I think that’s what we’re talking about…. people like us maintain such a strict degree of control & responsibility in real life, but we need an occasional release where we can admit (to ourselves or to the few who can understand) that we’re NOT so invincible. Have you been watching the news about the levees in southern US about to break? I dunno, but for some reason I think that analogy applies to a lot of us on this site. Once in a while we need a few ppl to pile some sandbags!
FTS, yup “floored”. I guess part of it is me refusing to admit that I’m worth a crap. And if I indeed helped you out of that noose, it proves my self-loathing theory may be flawed 🙂
You’re so right, what you said about going thru life and not realizing (or refusing to admit?) that we’ve touched someone. I guess it’s easy to fall into the trap where you think you’re just an insignificant speck, and no one would care if you just disappeared. But I guess each of our everyday actions can have huge consequences.
I remember reading about a suicidal person who left in a note that she would walk to the Golden Gate Bridge, and if just 1 person smiled at her she wouldn’t jump. Unfortunately she did jump. It makes you wonder about all the people you’ve passed by in your life, and if you just smile at the right time, could it make the difference between life & death? Eh… I’m rambling now… at any rate. I humbly accept your gratitude and throw it right back atcha. Thanks buddy!
Hey, I really like that part about the lady walking to the GG bridge. Not that she jumped, but it really does show that without realizing it, you CAN make a difference. Wednesday, I went to give blood. I posted a poem about a promise I had made and if it wasn’t for that… well, anyway, the apppointment to give blood was that promise. Back on point, after donating they always give you some sort of sticker, telling everyone that you gave… the one they gave me last Wednesday, said “I make a difference”… little did they know, what that little saying on that little sticker really meant or did for me.
Sometimes, you just never know how or when you make a difference in someone else’s life.
You are so right about it being so easy to think you’re just a speck that doesn’t mean anything (especially when self esteem is an issue, like with me). For me, all it takes is knowing that I have helped or touched someone in some way. Makes this life just that little bit more bearable.