Medication kinda sucks.

I’ve been on Wellbutrin for a bit over a week now. It was prescribed not because I’m depressed, but because I’m apparently emotionally numb and to stop me from obsessing over the idea of dying. I can’t say I fully agree those are my problems, but I couldn’t really think of a solvable problem, so I went with it. It’s done it’s job to an extent. I’ve only really thought about suicide once since I’ve been on it. It was a much stronger urge than I’ve been used to. Normally I just think through the logic behind it; weigh it as an option, but the other day, I didn’t much think about it, I just wanted to do it. I didn’t care how; I wanted something violent, not a well prepared death. I didn’t care at all about leaving a note, saying goodbye, or taking the guilt off anyone’s shoulders. The whole time thinking about it I was angry: pointlessly so. I’ve felt highs and lows since I’ve been taking it. Not unusual feelings, but unusual to be felt unprovoked or so often. And I can’t think properly on it. I can’t  think in imagery. My mind lies blank often. My memories are dull like dreams. I can barely remember how I felt before being on it, but I know I was more content. Even content with the willingness to kill myself. Now I’m just going through life unconsciously. It kinda sucks.