Mywish

I lead a busy life. I train for my sport every day, I attend school, I have great friends. I have every right to be happy. Everyone I know describes me as the ‘joker’, the ‘one with a sense of humour’. I’m really smart, not often a year twelve student studying PE and Psych can manage straight A’s across all subjects.
For some reason in my subconscious mind I’m not allowed to have happiness. I have an eating disorder, I overtrain with my sport and I hate myself even more everyday. I hate my looks, my voice, my thoughts and most of all, I hate my actions.
In my spare time I write poetry and sketch… out of all 82 of my poems, three aren’t related to a down mental state.
I have one friend, he is my coach and my pseudo father. I tell him everything. He keeps track of everything for me, and he knows what to say when I’m down.
I cut myself, not for attention, but for reality. This is the only sense of freedom I can reward myself with. I feel like I’m living a robot life. I’ve tried to malnourish myself so much and work myself so hard that I’ll drop. I spend every break at school sitting alone with my ipod in to drown out my sorrows. My friends are there for me but when I’m around them, I share the mentality and everyone drops down.
I’ve spoken to countless doctors, counsellors, psychologists, even my psychology teachers and I can’t make progress. I get so mad that I can’t speak to people about how I feel, when I get worked up I just throw myself into panic attacks. My heart pounds, my head aches, I can’t breathe and the tears flow. My chest is tight and I wish for death.

I’m at my utmost pinnacle of depression I’m sure to kill myself, I tell my friend and cry for an hour or two with him. I’ve planned so many ways I could kill myself and this one was not on the list. I go out for fresh air with my coach to try and get rid of my thoughts. We climb to the top of a mountain and are walking around the top path when I get so worked up I threaten to jump. I walk out to the edge, and with little hesitation, I take one more step forward. The feeling as my feet leave the ground is brilliant, I feel like I am… like I’m happy! My coach grabs my arm and rips me back onto the ledge where he pushes me to the ground and I cry for half an hour in the soothing rain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a year ago. Since then I left school, halfway through the year to start a better life. To escape my depression.
Every night I lay in bed and I recite the momentous occasion I escaped death… I wish I had have succeeded that day. My regrets get stronger and stronger every day I live on, but I’m too weak to end my life now.
There is no cure for how I feel, how I am.

Mywish is that I will one day have the courage to commit to something. I wish to commit to death.