Someone Else

it’s good to see you too 🙂 see i stay up after even 2:30 😛 lol. actually it’s 3am now, :/

i’m not a massive gamer, i mean i have certain series i’ve played since a lil boy, (res evil/mgs/silent hill, but still i believe zombies started in world at war 😛 but yes, black ops zombies new map thing they brought out is something new to play, lol. although you’d think a 25 year old getting his ass handed to him by an 8 year old would make him more depressed, lucky it’s just a game.

yeah, it’s just something new, well as i said been just over a month now. not good, it’s why i joined this site actually. just been trying to laugh tonight by watching episodes of would i lie to you, it works.

how have you been feeling? it’s good how bad you feel, you still have been helping as many people on here as you can, and i know i said it before, at such a young age, even though you don’t seem it.

yeah, i never sleep, but then i never really have, not a depression thing, just always awake, even if i had a night out every day in a week, lol, i can handle just 2 hours a day. luckily.

haha well it takes up time doesn’t it, thats why i put the xbox on now and again. i say im not a gamer, but then i do have a xbox and ps3, lol. just don’t use em :/.

yeah, i played a bit more guitar today, actually my electric, so that ment hooking all that up, guitar, wireless unit, pedal board and amps, so that was alot for me at the moment, lol…actually was playing lots of armor for sleep songs, well, like all of them i think, ha.

yeah, i feel the same, even when i have problems, if a mate had problems i’d drop mine and help them out. it is a good thing to do, helps you and helps them. so are you feeling any better from the other night then?

made me think of the lyric “if i could sleep forever…would you still be in my dreams?”

yeah you should, that takes up time, and can open up your love for it again. i havn’t played my keyboard for ages. maybe though, see if i play guitar again, i used to be on it every chance i got.

yeah, ben doesn’t have the strongest voice, but the emotion is there and maskes up for it i feel, lol. plus he did the entire first album by himself for $120 lol. yeah thats a good song, from smile for them, i do like that song, the fact it’s acoustic then goes into distorted with a very emotional simple lead. “i’m just the ground that, you happen to fall on”. today i was mostly playing ‘very invisible’, ‘truth about heaven’ and ‘car underwater’.

yeah, it’s good if you can find the right kind and doesage, it is hard to get stuff to work, i’m glad it’s helping, even if it is only a slight change right now, hopfully the longer you’re on them the better it will get. i just keep using chloral hydrate to sleep, lol, the only thing i take.

i did put a post up when i first signed up, lol, i shall copy and paste, but may be a hell of a reply, lol;

I recently lost my girlfriend, by that i mean we broke up, this is not the first time obviously, I lost a girlfriend over a year ago too, after 3 years, that was hard, was the first girlfriend I ever lost, so granted it would be harder, but i got through it with the friends I had and i got a band together, it was great, I was finally feeling hope again, then through my drummer i met a girl, Becca. We met literally 3 times briefly, in groups, we didn’t really even talk, but i got her number and we met up one ngiht for drinks, and that was it, she didn’t leave my house after that night, we were just so perfect for eachother, but shed’d had a bad past with boyfriends. It was my fault, I didn’t understand enough, all her exs cheated on her with their exs, one of them with litterally all of his exs, so she was paranoid when girls text me, all of them we’re just friends, except 1, the ex of 3 years, i owed her some money so she sent the same text asking for it everytime, now I was over her, and the texts pissed me off more than anything, and I told her this, but she got weird, and had a go at me alot and this was only a couple weeks in, so it pushed me away. I met up with my ex and we slept together, it was my fault, but that ended and me and Becca got back together and tried to move forward, I did everything I could to make up for it, I knew it was my fault. We lasted over a year, but she always saw my ex when she saw me, and finally she left.

Not the end of the story, you see because the drummer I met Becca through lied and said he had no feeling for her, turned out he did and my best mate in the band, who I’d known for 6 years decided to side with him so I lost my band, and my best friend, but I didn’t care because I had Becca, I chose her over my life. Because she didn’t trust me I stopped seeing alot of people, right now I only have 3 people I could call right now, and one of them is never even in the same town and always with his girlfriend, and to be honest wont do anything without my other mate who is always too busy and doesn’t really care about anyone but himself, the other friend is also usually busy, but i do see him, however we have less in common than the other mates i have, basically, I am alone now, I have nothing to fall back on, i also lost my job because of Becca and moving about. Right now I’m 25, I never thought I’d live past 50, so thats basically half my life, how can i start again half way through my life, granted I don’t know it’s half way through, but genetics and my lifestyle wont allow it to be much longer than that, so why would I want to start again, get back to the level I was at, then die when I have it, I don’t see the point.I have barly slept, I havn’t eaten, well pretty much anyway, I’ve only drank jamesons and a bit of water the past few weeks, just lost all drive.

I’ve looked into getting nitrous oxide, but it is way to expensive…should have been a dentist, I have a rope, and I have a place to hang it from, I’ve tested it, it works, it is just the pain before passing out, I wish I could cut that part out. I’ve got notes and even a DVD ready to be left, I’m all set, it’s just the pain…

yeah, to be honest as sad as it sounds, it was love at first sight for me, and i really have never had that before, i’m not a believer in that, i always have to chat to someone, anyone, guy or girl, for a while before i can tell if i like them, well saying that, i guess me and my best mate ‘hoagie’ (a nick name) just became mate instantly, but thats guys becoming mates, a girl, i’d never of thought it happening.

well the thing is, it wasn’t my fault, i don;t have anything to say sorry about, he believed craig (beccas friend, the drummer) over me, that i had gone behind his back and all that crap. but i’d spoke to him first and checked if there was anything going on, then when he said nope, i made a move, but then, it wasn’t one way, becca did too, i invited her back to mine, nothing happened, but craig decided it did, and hoagie just went with it.

i have tried to contact becca and talk to her, but shes already off with her ex, as usual, lol, what she did after her last bf, back to the ex, just for comfert. granted i don’t know for sure if anythings going on, but then i know her quite well. been together since feb 1st 2010.

yeah, hanging is how i’d do it, only thing i have unless i can get potassium cyanide, that in water. yeah, with an OD it has to be with the right pills, it could just cause more pain if it doesn’t work. and plus, i keep saying, you’re 15, wait till 18 and see how freedom feels :). i’ll tell you what, if you do that, and i find some way of carrying on, get a flight here on the way to your travels and i’ll buy you a drink :P. but that means you got to keep going!

see i didn’t want to admit it was like instant love, lol, i mean obviously i had sort of soke to her and heard things shed said, but i mean it was meeting her in a group for like maybe 2 hours max, and i was sold, lol “you had me at hello” (‘a day to remember’…you’d like it, it’s acoustic :))

yeah, she does, her ex’s were not great to her, i couldn’t believe that she’d never even had breakfast in bed. the day after she stayed, i made pancakes n that for her, and she was shocked, lol. her exs did nothing for her but used her.

yeah, i did say about meeting up before, i got his number off another friend of mine, we all used to hang out, so i was thinking of calling him actually, but now with the becca thing, because craig is still in hoagies band, it would just complicate things more, so i’m holding off for now.

yeah i know it could happen, but i am going to try and do or say something to stop her making a mistake, or more of one, hopfully i can get hold of her 2m, i’ve been trying to give her space for now, but figure it’s been a while, can try calling her.

yeah, if you have a system that works, keep doing it, you do have a future, at your age, it can be anything you want it to be, it really can 🙂
and everyone on this site is here to help too.
i’m going to have to be the one to say i think it may be bed time this time, lol, i don’t want to just suddenly pass out without saying anything, lol, but it is 5am, haha. if you want though, can email me (apkelly187@live.co.uk).