I am new on here, I am in the darkest moments of my life. I live a couple hours away from any family. I have no friends. I have kept out most of everyone that means anything to me. I have a boyfriend that is understanding at times but I don’t think he really understands the intensity of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I fight suicidal urges daily. I fantasize daily of ending the pain. I have a very stressful and demanding job. When I’m at work (AS A NURSE) I try to block my thoughts and just go full force helping others (patients and the other nurses if needed). Once I’m back at home I’m drained and the depression fills my every pore again. Sometimes I just wish something would happen to me naturally- a car wreck, sickness, something that would end my life thats out of my hands. I wish I could do like in that Will Smith movie and it would actually be carried out. Find people dying deserving of life and leave what organs that would help them to live in a will that way I could kill myself and help others. My mom loves me, I know me being dead would hurt my mom beyond comprehension. I also have rescued pets that I love and spoil and couldn’t imagine what would happen to them if I did it. Sometimes I think of taking them with me. I have been on antidepressants several different ones and none has ever even remotely helped. I have tried the natural supplements and vitamins that are suppose to help. I have went to a depression clinic, I’ve tried talking to people about my feelings. NOTHING HELPS. My desire to live has only decreased. I have even wished that someone would take my life for me. To be a “victim” of a serial killer. ANYTHING to stop the pain.
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i can relate to this story in so many ways ive always been the girl that takes care of everyone and never takes care of her self because she dont feel important enough and just wishes some how some way shed fall over dead but then relizes that everyones depending on her………….if you need me im here for you to talk to
Hello
hmm, you sound like a good person, dont you ?
something needs to be done so that this good person recovers the joy for happiness. I dont think antidepressants do actually anything at all unless the cause is really organic.
My guess and I make my disclaimer that is only a guess, is that your depression has not come as a result of one thing in specific that happened to you, but it has been introduced in you little by little in a long time period, and finally you feel depressed but you dont know exactly why.
This happens very often. There are microwounds happening over and over again, througout the day, in your interactions with other people and peers. A cruel comment, a disappointment here, a deceipt there, etc and on the other side, there was not a flow of happiness to compensate the issues happening. The result, you are depressed.
You have a mother, you have a boyfriend, and your mother loves you. That is a lot! Yes, I can understand that maybe to you it doesnt help, but it does have a good effect.
Try to see if you can write a collection of things you would like to happen in your life that would make you happy.
Do you think that your job is actually having anything to do with that depression ? Nursing is one of the hardest jobs ever. The theory of nursing is beautiful, but the way it has been industrialised and the working conditions today are terrible, so it could very well be a reason.
Hugs
O
at least u got a boyfriend