For all of you who have helped so much. I went out to the garage today. The rope I used on Saturday has been hanging from the rafter ever since. I thought I might still use it. I went out to the garage today, to tie another noose. I don’t think I would have used it right then, but I was preparing to use it very soon. I was so pissed off, that when I got into the garage and got up on the workbench so I could tie the noose at the proper hieght, I was so pissed already that I got so disgusted that it didn’t work the first time and just took the rope down. I came back inside, sat down and made this post.
I’m still upset, but believe I have turned a corner so to speak. believe me, I still think about it every other second, but the desire to act on those thoughts has subsided some. I know I will continue with this very real and verydebilitating struggle the rest of my life, however long or short it may be. I don’t necessarily understand how or why that particular desire diminished, nor do I particularly care. I just thought I should share.
I’m still pissed off, depressed and suicidal. just not as much. Except for the pissed off part…. that I feel more right now. I’m sure that will subside as well.
Thanks again to all, and for the cyberspace safety in which to rant, rave and say I’m gonna kill myself.
13 comments
Firsttimesurvivor: I’m really really really sorry for not replying sooner!!
I was going to check this site throughout the night but I fell asleep!!! 🙁
Anyhow, it’s really good to hear that you are slowly managing. I’m also really proud of you for taking the rope down.
I think that small act of taking the rope down serves as hope that you can get through this.
🙂 take care
Rock on FTS! I had a lousy day, pissed at the world, pissed at myself for not driving off a bridge when I had the chance. Came here & read your post. Gave me a good feeling. Like vmy said, the act of taking the rope down represents hope. Hope, whether it’s worth a damn, is the only thing that keeps us alive. Cheers.
thanks both of you. I just finished a journal entry. mention there that I can feel it lifting a bit, a little healing. But I guess from what I’m told, the fact that I am not feeling the urge to act on some thoughts, is good.
Best day I’ve had in a long time, Scooby and vmy19 are saviours! Seriously, if wasn’t for you two, well….
@VMY – hey, don’t worry about it, if you fell asleep you most likely needed it. I know if you’re anything like me, when you feel like this, sometimes you just gotta get some sleep 🙂
Scooby – you okay? You’ve been havin some lousy days
Hey FTS, shux we didn’t do anything… all I did was sit here & read your poems & say how I felt.
Yah, had some hellish days. Today was shaping up to be a good one, but for no reason something random & painful happened. Like finding a turd in your birthday cake. I wish I could just have 1 totally good day. Well maybe it’s like you said, it’s a slow climb. Shouldn’t expect miracles I guess.
You will probably never know what the interaction meant to me. I had no one to talk to and when I needed it most you were there. Unlike other people in my life that I had actually expected to be there.
I know what you mean… one little seemingly insignificant thing can set off a cycle. And then it takes something much bigger to set off the climb out.
I know buddy, I hear ya.
Firsttimesurvivor: I’m super glad that I was of some help (pretty sure scooby feels the same way too). I think you’ve started to find some hope 🙂
Scooby: sorry to hear you’ve been having some crappy days. Hope things start looking up for you. Btw, I agree- reading Firsttimesurvivors’ posts makes me feel better- especially after a really lousy day.
FTS, I think I do know what the interaction meant. Though I wasn’t right at deaths door like you were, I feel the same relief. I’ve also been really let down by my supposed ‘loved ones’. But you & vmy & many others have filled in better than anyone I know. What’s that great line from Streetcar Named Desire… “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” 🙂
that’s a great line Scooby. I have always gotten along better with strangers than my own family. In fact my father was the same way. I never understood it as a kid, but the older I get, the more I start to understand him.
that being at deaths door thing…. man, that’s someplace I’d thought about so much and actually desired so many times. But I never thought I had the balls to do it. I’ve been so afraid of screwing up (like I did, of course). I’m glad I didn’t try another method or I would have really effed up my life.
It just seems kinda surreal at the moment to realize not only that I did it, but how close I was to succeeding. And then there is the knot coming undone which I really need to think about. Was it really me subconciously? Was it God (or something like God) that intervened? Was it just pure dumb luck? I’m going with the dumb luck thing for now, but it certainly has me thinking.
That’s the million dollar question, my friend. Little things like the knot coming undone… these things happen and seem to be too bizarre to be just a coincidence. I generally don’t believe that God is intervening in my life (mainly because I think God is too busy in other parts of the universe to worry about my sorry ass). But I can’t deny that everything seems to have a purpose.
Knots are generally very tricky things that don’t like to come undone by themselves. Like really, you’d have to grease it up & shake it hard before the simplest knot comes undone. So I think you may have someone looking after you. Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s an angel. Maybe it’s your subconscious. Whatever it is, it really came in handy… can I borrow it sometime?? 🙂
Man if I knew where it was I’d give it to you. You can have it. I really hope you don’t need it, but what, who or where ever it is, it’s yours.
I generally don’t believe in God. Not in the sense that most religions will define. I do believe that the universe and my life (not jus the recent past) have had too many coincidences for it to be just random. There is definitely someone or something at work here.
I’m planning to kill myself by hanging as well.