It’s not the catchiest title, but it truly is the question. If I
choose to cut, I keep what’s left of my remaining sanity and enjoy
temporary relief. If I don’t cut, then I stare at sharp objects
wishing I did, and then go through my day either horribly depressed or
insanely irate. I’ve had three failures already; I’m hoping that next
time won’t be just another failure. By the way, I’m only 16, so expect
the rantings of yet another angsty teenager.
My father (if I can even call the bastard that) used to touch me when
I was little, as well as hit me whenever he felt frustrated. I kind of
wish he was an alcoholic so he could have some type of.excuse for his
behavior, but he’s just a sober sadistic asshole. I finally told my
mom last year, but she only kept asking if I was making it up, so I
just said that I wasn’t sure it happened just to get her off my back.
My mother does know that he used to hit both me and my siblings, yet
she’s still with him. She’s promised me she would leave him many
times, but here I am, still living with him. She’s spouted bullshit
about how she cares about my mental health, how she doesn’t want me to
live in fear, but I know it’s a mere spewing of words said without any
real contemplation behind them. He doesn’t touch me anymore, but I
still hate having to see his face everyday. Whenever he calls me
pretty or is just in the same room as me, Â I get angry,which gets the
rest of my family angry. I’ve tried telling my “friends” about my
depression, but truly think I’m just trying to cite for attention;
they’ve even told me if I was going to off myself I should just put a
gun to my head and get it over with. My only friend that I could
actually confide in is dead. I’m terrified and utterly confused and
alone, and the only comfort I receive from my piece of shit therapist
is “god loves you”, blah blah blah. My mother is taking psychology
classes, so know she thinks she can read me like a book and that she
knows my emotions better than i do…she has no fucking idea what goes
in my head, but I’m not sure if I want her to know.
I don’t see what’s the point in living. Society is superficial and
full of avarice; everyone always has their own back and is willing to
stab yours if it means receiving some sort of benefit (hell, sometimes
they might do it just for shits and giggles). If you manage to find
someone precious, they’ll leave you; I think that is my problem. I
hate feeling any sort of attachment; being attached to something or
someone just brings pain because they’ll leave you, whether by choice
or by death. Doing your best isn’t good enough; you are going to be
judged based on appearance, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc.
I don’t see what’s the point in continuing in a world so full of hate
and superfluous desires, in a world where you must be brutal and
greedy if you wish to thrive. I just want to end my existence in this
nonsensical world (I know that’s a bit of dramatic phrasing, hell all
of this is, but it’s the truth) I am only worthy of acknowledging when
i get good grades or make some meaningless generic piece of crap that
my parents call art. Does wanting to die make me insane or just
morbidly curious? I do not understand why people say that you must
have some type of medical disorder if you are suicidal, but I’ve
learned not to care. the world is too into labeling everything to fit
into neat little categories. If you want to die, you’re insane. if
you’re just a happy person, people question your sanity or sincerity.
They say suicide is selfish. you’re hurting those you leave behind,
yadda yadda. Well, aren’t those people being selfish too? Asking
someone who is miserable and desperate enough to take their own to
stay alive just so they don’t have to live with survivor’s guilt?
Asking that person to continue their lives in misery so they could
live guilt-free, without regard to the other person’s thoughts…is
that really fair? I think it is downright cruel…my parents care for
a few seconds after my failures, only to forget about my existence
completely after the hub-bub and embarrassment (for them) dies down…
If whoever the hell is reading this has actually read this, then thank
you for listening to this pathetic rant (if you can understand it; I’m
kind of rushing before father dearest comes back to the computer). If
you haven’t, well, I can’t really blame you.
     Sincerely,
             Gina
8 comments
daMn you sound smart.
you are divinely and brutaly intellectual.
Your presense; I bow down to.
With ‘ recognition of hastiness ‘
I was like… You’re the kind of person I would follow.
The same way Jesus had followers… ha.
But for everyone else here; I would follow also;
for their understanding of despair.
The people who expect you to live are the selfish ones. They don’t notice, and they pretend to care when they don’t. If you want to die then that’s your decision, everyone just tries to make you guilty enough so you stay.
i think that its not life you want to end but the pain. that is common. i swore up and down the hills that i wanted to die and here i am in a treatment program 7 months later and it took a hell of a lot of work but i know it is possible for some it may take longer and some it make take shorter. i dont want to pressure you into living because i dont want you to do something you dont want to do but neither am i going to pressure you into killing yourself and that being the better choice because it might not be. and you will never know if you dont live. I think that you should try to look into a treatment place away from home to deal with what happened and how it has affected you today. you are 16 and so am i and i know it is definitely hard making that choice but you have to take the control away from your dad. you are letting your dad have all of the control of your life and it is not fair to you. you are old enough to have some of it yourself. i hope something i said was helpful. i hope you will respond to this
I know exactly what you mean with the whole selfish suicide thing. you like stole the words out of my mouth.
@ X-Boy
Thanks you so much, but I don’t think I’m capable of being anybody’s Jesus xP
@ Indifference
Thank you for understanding, people like you make me believe that not the whole human race has gone to shit..yet ^_^’ I just wish my family would stop caring if me being suicidal is making them look bad. .at least it’d be one less mouth to feed =P
@ Ixhatexmyxname
Thank you for your empathy. Now we just have to get te rest of the world to understand…horaay? xP if you don’t mind me asking, what is wrong in your life (if there was a better way to ask this, I would)
I feel so giddy knowing someone actually took the time to read this (and didn’t go on a “God will save you” rant). Thank you soo much to everyone =)
@comeu-megan
I don’t have an affordable treatment center in my town. Even so, if it not for my pain then I would still want to die to escape society. Maybe that’s selfish or childish, but it is ultimately my decision.
You’re welcome, I’ve tried to kill myself, and people keep telling me how much they love me, and it’s so obvious that they just want me to stay because they can’t be bothered with the grief.