I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve struggled with severe depression and insomnia for about ten years now. I’ve given up on medication as it makes me more zombie than human – which is fine. I deal with bouts of insomnia and the odd night of sleep.
But, I’ve been in a constant state of heartbreak for over a year now. I’ve been with my Partner for (the best part of) three and a half years. However, in March last year, he completely blind-sighted me and broke up with me because he wasn’t sure he wanted a future with me. He completely broke my heart, the shock of it just magnified things.
As weeks went past, he continued to talk to me and I let him. He gave many different reasons as to why we weren’t together, but they always changed. He wanted to be on his own. He didn’t think he’d ever be with anyone. He thinks he’s just built to be on his own. He didn’t think he was good for me. He couldn’t give me what I wanted or needed. He didn’t want the same future that I wanted (i.e marriage and children) so he wanted to break his own heart and mine so I could find someone who could give me all the things I wanted and deserve. But he still wanted me. I wanted him.
We started seeing eachother again, but we weren’t officially back together, hence no actual progress. Everytime he told me or others that we weren’t together, it broke my heart a wee bit.
Anyway, about Christmas time, things started to really improve. He said so and we were properly together. We saw in Valentines Day, Our Anniversary etc. We’ve been going from strength to strength (his words, not mine) and we really seemed to be getting away from what he now calls a mistake. My walls started to crumble little by little and I let him back into my heart. But the pain of him breaking up with me was still quite raw.
However, we had a few important weddings this year, concerts, a great bday (his) and went away for a long weekend. He’s been telling me he loves me and that all the pain and heartache is in the past. Looking towards the future.
Until last night. We went for dinner, watched the sunset. He took me in his arms, kissed me and then simply said “I don’t want you to hate me” – I knew what was coming.
He tells me I love him more than he loves me. He doesn’t love me in the right way. Things don’t feel right. He’s been trying to love me like he used to. He just beat me senseless with his words.
I don’t know what to do with myself. We’ve been working at getting ourselves back on track and have stuck with it, pushed on and now?
Not only am I losing my partner, I’m losing my best friend. I’m at my wits end. I really don’t know how I’m going to go on. It nearly killed me last time. Its worse this time.
I am in physical pain right now. This relationship has been the only thing stopping me from doing something stupid. I’ve never thought a lot of myself. Now all I feel is like I’m a failure, a loser, that I deserve this. Three and a half years that have been stolen from me. I’m nearly 26 and feel that I haven’t achieved anything. I’ve lost all hope, all faith, everything. I can’t see any point.
10 comments
I know you really don’t want to hear this, but you probably deserve better. If you don’t want to leave then just keep one foot out the door, if he doesn’t want you there, he’ll close the door. But if he still wants you he’ll pull you back in. Either way, you’re letting him decide while being on your toes.
I think I know I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I’m hoping to find the strength to stay away, to break contact and to move on.
He’s my best friend and I don’t know how to walk away from that. If anyone makes me despair, he’s who I go to. If I don’t have him, I only have myself and I don’t like myself.
In a very dark tunnel. I accept it’s not right, it wouldn’t be right for him to change his mind and for me to bide my time until his commitment phobia surfaces again.
But I just feel like a loser and a failure and I just don’t see the point of anything. To put years of your life into a relationship and to be left with nothing? Where is the sense? The point?
Don’t know how to pick myself up (Again) and continue. Everything is SO hard. Maybe it sounds pathetic, but he’s the only good thing in my life.
I’m probably not the best one to give advice on this; I’ve been married for 13 years. The crazy part is I’m still hung up on the woman I was in love w/ in a prior relationship. I tell myself it never would have worked out, but there’s always a nagging feeling in the back if my mind. I can say this though, you’ve surely learned a lot through your relationship, and you’ll be better prepared for the next one.
I hope this helps,
Ky
That is my biggest Fear. To not be able to get over him. To want him when he doesn’t want me. To be remain in Love with him whilst I settle for someone else trying to make myself happy and fulfil my wish to get married and have children.
It kills me that I changed my way of thinking to be with him, to be more open to what he wanted. i.e. not marry and just have children. I feel that he has stolen years of my life. Leading me on.
Thank you so much for your honesty. It’s very refreshing.
He may have, but that stems from his lack of selfworth. It in no way reflects your value as a person. I don’t know how the girl I loved before feels about me, but not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. That being said, I have a fulfilling relationship with my wife. That wondering about what might have been may linger, but it doesn’t prevent me from moving on.
Thank You. Glimmer of hope, thanks to you.
I’ve been broken hearted before, but I have never felt like this. Ever.
I never thought I could feel this bad.
I’m still afraid that I’ll never get over him.
We’ve had such good times together, right up until he told me we shouldn’t be together. I don’t get it. He just doesn’t love me enough.
Its a double blow. A partner and a best friend. I’m just supposed to deal with losing them?
Atleast ur partner said all that to you. Me n ma boyfriend got in an arguement on friday and we nvr spoke to eachother after that…i emailed him on sunday and started calling me a **** and drama queen n all sorts of stuff…he got jealous cuz i went shoppin with ma friend after college for his birthday and i didnt get one of his messages…well…on sunday he swore so much i was just in tears..and then last night i got a phone call and someone left a voicemail and i thought it was him so i emailed him last night askin him…and i got his email this morning…same old shit happened…he called me a **** told me to stay the fuck away n leave him alone…and i cant stop crying….i havnt been able to stop crying for day…idk how im gonna get over this…we was together for 1yr and 3 months…and now he’s just said all of this…im compltely broken…idk how to fix myself….i still love him even after he said all this…so idk how im gonna be able to move on…i showed my friends what he said…n they were mad at him…ma mom was in shock…but the only problem i have is idk how im gonna get over him…i miss him n all…everything i do reminds me of him..ma college finishes in 2 weeks…ill have nuting to do…he was my best friend and my everything…i ditched everything for him…and now he’s left me when i need him the most…
In some ways I’m in the same boat. I just can’t stop crying. I’m in work and people are looking at me. I have to keep running off to the bathroom for a wee burst, then pretend to be normal for a while.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. He’s my best friend. I know he’s going to want to be friends and although I know I wouldn’t be able to keep him in my life (for right now at least) as just a friend, I have no idea how I’m going to not have him in my life.
He hasn’t said a nasty word to me. Which, in some ways makes it worse. If there was anger, we could have distance and moving on could maybe start. At the moment, I’m in a job I hate and I still live at home with my parents. My weekends with him are the only thing that gets me through. It kills me that I’m not going to have him.
I do hope, in time, that this pain will fade. It would need to. I can’t live like this. It’s too too much.
oh the heart. how it hurts. we cannot stop the pain. love and love lost. maybe there is no greater torture than that of the relationships that go deep, and deeper. the ones that feel like they should be forever, and yet they have changed, or passed. </3
Hi mitzii007 I am suffering just like u I hate the insomnia too! Also what is your email? We can chat I am not here to tell u suicide is wrong as a matter of fact I am the opposite I like in California by the way. My email talktome3134@yahoo.com