Has anyone else attempted or desired suicide due to issues of complicated/compacted/atypical grieving? If so I would like to talk. So few people have experienced this or understand…..
8 months ago I intentionally overdosed. Unbelievably, my downstairs neighbor heard my body hit the floor and could her me retching through her ceiling…..she called emt…..i remember nothing but waking up in the hospital and my ex-husband and a friend coming to see me. But I don’t wish to discuss the hospital stay or the attempt.
Here is my story…..2 years ago, my 15 year old daughter and ex husband were in a horrific accident. I had to ID her body at the morgue while my husband recovered in ICU…..it is an image that stays burned in my mind, nearly constantly, throughout the day, and in my nightmares. My babygirl, burned and mangled…..she is always on my mind, thoughts of what might have been, both for her and for my wretched life.
I have been diagnosed with complicated grief, which means the grieving is near constant. I lost my wonderful career due to my inability to go back to work after the accident. My husband recovered and left me a few months after, unable to deal with my intense grief. He never saw the body. He was in ICU during the funeral. We had to sell our beautiful home…..we had a boat, a shared hobby, also sold…..I could no longer contribute to our finances.
Today I work in a cube. I am so far from the woman I used to be. I loved being a career woman, wife and mother. Today I have nothing and no one. My friends cannot take my obsessiveness over my daughter. I feel jealous of them all, with their healthy children. My parents are long gone. I have no close family. I hate my job…..the mindless prattle of my shallow co-workers…..I work to pay my rent and eat. I live in a shithole of an apartment complex and ride the bus to work and come home and don’t do much. I have an aunt who I talk to a few times a week…..I am still in love with my ex husband. He is dating a woman he went to high school with and lives in another city. We rarely speak, and almost never about our daughter.
Why should I keep living…..I have panic attacks at work, I go in the bathroom and weep. I have nightmares at night. It is hard for me to read suicide stories of people who are merely sad, or have insecurities……I relate more to people who have been traumatized, I guess…..please post if you can relate in any way. I want to overdose so badly but it will take time to stockpile and plan better…..
4 comments
if you are still with us…
i’m sorry i cannot relate specifically. i have had one death in my immediate family that traumatized me, but not an offspring. it is something that i cannot bring myself to forget. it seems to be a never-ending darkness and pain in my life. my situation is different also in that i feel that people depend on me to go on. i can say that if that was not the case, i would not know what to do. but i fell that i would probably do what i do now, which has lead me here. that is to search for someone out there who can understand me in some way. to hopefully find someone to talk to. there are many of us in this depressive state. we have to help each other to go on living.
still here.
my first attempt was no gesture, but i did fail and ended up in a psych ward. i have medication stockpiled, but honestly, am afraid of failing again. that is what keeps me alive.
thank you for reaching out. my heart goes out to you. death is so cruel, especially when it traumatizes those left behind. i do not know how anyone goes on after such a precious loss to a normal life. i did spend the 4th with family, my aunt and her kidsi lurk on this site and a grief support site…i am here for you if you need to chat
it doesnt matter if you cant relate specifically, a traumatizing death is just that. living in this sadness and darkness that you describe is nearly unbearable. i am sorry for your loss, and sorry to hear of your pain, i feel it, too…..
Are you still around seenbetterdays?
I want to die from grief too
Write me if you’re still here