I’m baaaaaack!

So I stumbled upon this website a few years ago when I was googling different topics relating to suicide. It definitely has changed a lot. But now I’m back… Reading bits and pieces and posting here and there.

A little about my story…  I have been, as my therapist calls me, a functional depressive. I go to work. I have two jobs actually. One of them, not the best, but with a great company…. And I just found out I will be working in the department I’ve wanted to for the past 7 years, using my degree even! I went to college and got my degree from a very good school, in criminal justice. I put on a fake smile for those who don’t really know me. I have had my fair share of boyfriends and heartbreak and breaking hearts. Not too bad from someone looking in.

But that’s not all who I am. I am a cutter. Have been since I was 10. I’m now 27. I have attempted, and obviously failed, suicide multiple times. I was molested by my brothers friend when I was little. I was raped as an adult. I was in a severely abusive relationship, only to finally make it out, find my soul mate in my best male friend, then have that relationship end because we were both too depressed and couldn’t handle each other anymore. I’ve gotten over that though.

I was doing pretty good too, until recently, when my medication stopped working for me. AGAIN. I’m sick of trying different pills. I’m sick of going to therapy every Saturday and talking about what’s going on, only to come home and remember why I hate life. I came home from a trip to Ireland last week. A trip my friend took me on because I promised to put off my suicide. Well now we are back, the old feelings have come back ten fold, and the promise is over.

So I have decided to kill myself. Each time I stop the pills I say that. But each time I get a little closer. I am actually happy about this. I have this stupid smile plastered on my face right now writing about this. I started cutting again after not doing it for so long. And I cut my arms and legs, which show in the summer, and this time, I don’t care. That’s how I know it’s for real.

I don’t know how to describe what’s going on in my head. It’s not right though. And I want it to stop. I can’t wait for it to stop. I’m thinking of doing it on the 4th of July. Celebrate my independence while the country does too. Plus it will be the 3 year anniversary of my rape.

So I want to have a great last week or two…. Any suggestions on things to do? I’m already kind of an adrenaline junkie… I have my license in skydiving so that one is off the list…. But what else is there?