maybe this is familiar.

i wake up and i look around. i go back to sleep. i have no desire to get up.

i wake up a second time and know i should get up to go to work, so i do. i brush my teeth. i wash my face. sit at my computer for 10+ hours.

i eat the bad shit. the really bad shit. i stopped caring about it a long time ago. still affects me when i want to go out and see friends. i’ve stopped wanting to do that stuff lately.

life is endless but i can only see the end. i picture myself….pointing a gun at my temple. i see myself leaping off hotel balconies or jumping off overpasses. i see myself….in so many ways, dying, dying, dying.

i don’t want to be here anymore. i am really afraid of the after life. i am afraid that it’s all true, what the catholics say. i’m afraid that my mother will kill herself or my grandmother.

i guess you have to not care about everyone and everything to kill yourself. i’m almost there. i just need a little push to make this all okay.