past

last nite i couldn’t sleep,things about my past just got into my head and i couldn’t get em out.

when i was young i was raped. it took about 6 years just for the courts to deside how long he should b put away. in a fuked up way im glad i went to the police if it wasn’t for me then a lot of women would’ve kept the fact that he raped them as well hidden. at the end they came to me and said that they were envious of me and they never could’ve stepped forward if it wasn’t for me.

but the memory of that nite always lingers and i can nvr get it it out.  his name was bobby he was in his 40s and it disturbs me just to c his face in my mind. i thought he was just a family friend and i loved to c him….he was fun. boy was i fuked up by thinkin that when i was young.

last yr i just crumbled even more when i found out that it wasn’t my mom who brought him to court/ called the cops and defended me it was my dad all along. i also discovered that my mom was having sex w/ bobby at the time….no wonder he was always over the house.

when i was 10-11 i went to my mom’s friend essie’s house with my mom and sis. her husband was home. they all went downstairs and left me upstairs with him. he molested me. i told my mom and she did nothing about it then it happened again when me and him ended up alone in a speed boat but this time i fought back. when we got back to shore he told them i was “fussing about” on the boat cuz i was scared. wat a fuking joke, they believed him. and then in 2010 he moves in with us….a month later my mom tells me they’re getting married. i was devestated, i couldn’t handle it. my mom knows wat kills me most and she does it…. its like shes stabbing me over and over but im still stuck here.

why is it i always feel like its my fault all these things happened? that i let it happen.