Tired of Myself

This is my first day on this site and i joined because every day is a constant battle with myself, who I am. Anyway I hope what i write here makes any sense. I’ve been blessed with a loving mum and 2 great brothers and i think my friends really do care for me. I’m really gifted, am great with music, writing it, I’m a really really good rapper. I also write stories, great stories, the people that read them are actually amazed by the amount of talent i have, whether there reactions are the real thing or they just trying to flatter me and make me happy who knows. The relationship I have with my Dad is a tricky one, I do love him and he does love me, I believe but his been a really shitty Dad and husband. His hurt my mum emotionally and physically and anyway long story short, my Dad does harbor part of the blame for all the issues I have. I have the lowest self esteem and though all these people around me keep telling me am great, all i see when i look in a mirror is failure and ugliness. Every where I go its like the world is screaming at me “we are all better than you, you are the bottom of the food chain, FILTH and there’s nothing you or any one can do about it” and where i come from when you have the issues that i do, no1 gets it, they think that your trying to get attention, that think that if i may use the language they do, “that your acting too white”, cos here someone having psychological or mental problems is the least of there problems. So i keep all my pain to myself and the few people that i have told about them, people i’v trusted have all left me, i think because  i exhaust them and take so much out of them that they cant take it no more so they have to leave. Anyway thats just an inkling of my life, I cant exhaust it all, so i’ll get to my point. I am so tired of myself, so tired of the fact that this never seems to go away, am tired of people and the fact that no one gets what this feels like, am tired of the “Ooohs, everything will be fine, people have gone through worse, am tired of the have faiths and have hopes that people give me and last but most importantly am tired of myself, tired of the strain i put on people, tired wasting space in the world. I have tried suicide before but as you can see am still, so am not very good at it…..But one of these days am afraid am gonna work up the courage to jump in front of a bus, or off of a building or hang myself just to prove to people that they should have paid more attention and what I was going through was serious. Anyway thats all I can reveal for now.