I don’t know what to start writing really. I guess I joined because I wanted some where to write down my feelings, I sometimes feel like I want to talk to someone about it but I can’t bring myself to it. I don’t want my family and friends looking down on me because if a certain path is chosen they will forever remember the thoughts I’ve had and that will stick with them.
I must add I do have friends, good ones. I’m happy if I’m out with them but that’s not as often anymore due to the fact that i can’t afford to travel never mind do anything. I also love my family to bits i couldn’t ask for a better family.
Lifes got pretty shit over the past year. Before that it was great for the most part. I was a student with an active social life and good friends. I genuinly was happy. In the past year all that has changed, I’m no longer at university (which I regret) and I have no job. Keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboards became hard. I really did try to find work. I first thought of myself as being above some jobs due to the fact that I’m educated and I’ve worked since 16 years of age. It then got to a stage where I applied for anything, I just wanted to work, the dilema then was would any job be enough, if I’m working in a job I don’t like and still have no money and struggle would it really be worth it. I decided I’d worry about that at the relevant time.
Things didn’t approve, I was in the same situation months down the line. I had a certain someone in my life which kept my depression from 100% to about 80% most of the time. There were days when I was happy and days when I was sad with this person. Anyways due to the feelings about life I had I was destroying the relationship between the two fo us as I’d switch from showing them attention and enjoying myself with them to not showing any interest and being rude, this led to her doing the same. Inevitably things ended, within the past week, and it ended the one last thing that kept me mildly happy. It’s not the fact that we broke up, it’s the fact that this person can’t even look at me or talk to me anymore, like they resent me. We had bad times but we definatly had good times. I think it’s the way they’re coping with it. Trying to avoid me to help move on and forget.
My depression quickly multiplied, even though I spent a day forcing myself to be happy, which then recently turned to suicidal thoughts. I mean life is only life if you’re alive right. If mine was to end i wouldn’t know any different, I wouldn’t be here. My family would be upset and miss me but they will move on.
I’ve never thought I wanted to die before, quite the opposite. I really didn’t undertsand why anyone would want to commit suicide. There’s days when I think stop being silly, pull yourself together then there’s days I’m genuinly wanting to end things because I can’t bare things the way they are. I really do jump from being fine to the extreme on certain days. It’s much harder to explain in words than you might think.
Noone around me knows because I put on a brave face and pull myself together when they’re around, if not I hide myself away. I never used to cry, ever, but I find myself sitting alone crying and sometimes don’t know what for.
I was at an extreme low point when I started writing this, just before it I was searching suicide on google just to see what I could find. Almost as if it would make my decision either way easier. I came across this page and started to write. Now though since typing I’m starting to feel a little better, even silly for writing it and thinking things should get better, I have good friends and a good family.
The only reason I havn’t deleted it is because it’s helped me for now. I also know, if not tonight maybe tomorrow, I’ll be back in the same frame of mind, it only takes something small to trigger it.
Thanks for allowing me this space to write, it was certainly needed.
1 comment
Your family never really gets over you. I’ve lost people, never to suicide but to plenty of other things, and the grief always hits you when you least expect it.
Suicide is just like any other death in the sense that your family will grieve you for the rest of their lives, but it’s worse, too. Because you intentionally left. It doesn’t sound to me that you wanted to leave your family, just that you want to end this pain. Your family will think that you wanted to leave them.
So maybe you can find a new way to try to end the pain? Getting a job is hard nowadays, I am trying to get one too. Make goals for yourself. Pick three places to apply to each week, apply at the beginning of the week, call halfway through the week, and drop by at the end of the week, to check and see how things are going and see if they’ve read your resume or whatever. People tell me I need to be persistent in order to get a job. You might want to try that, too. You could also try making your own job–you can make crafts and sell them, or sell old junk, or breed rabbits, or help people with odd jobs. Google small businesses or how to make your own business or something. It’s better than nothing, right?