Let me tell you about my life. I have bi-polar, for one, and that just seems to make everything more difficult. I live in a family who mentally abuse me, they don’t want me, and they let me know every day. I do everything for them, everything for everybody else, I very rarely do anything for me. They call me selfish and they tell me how I don’t appreciate them, they do everything for my little brothers, absolutely nothing for me, they won’t even give me much freedom, the only freedom i get is when i walk out and say ‘screw you’. When i was little, I had so much to look forward to in life, I remember that when i was 5, i was going to be a police officer when i grew up, but now, i have no inspiration, the only thing i look forward too is closing my eyes and never waking again. I honestly don’t know how to explain how it is for me at home, our house holds a functional family, i mean im not saying we’re dysfunctional or anything, but I’m not a part of it, they use me as a punching bag, any little thing that goes wrong they take it out on me. And the time periods between each time i snap is getting shorter and shorter.
I have tried suicide before, so many times that I’ve lost count, and my parents know that there is something seriously wrong with me, but every time i get upset, they blame it on my bi-polar, they blame every one of the family’s problems on me. I’m managing to get through day by day, it’s like I’m numb now. I’m sick of being the punching bag, but don’t say that everything gets better, that once im away from home I’ll have a good life, because that’s all gone, I’m so stuffed up now that i don’t think i deserve a good life, i know i do, but everything inside me says ‘you’re a stupid screw-up who hurts everyone around you, you need to die,’
The one thing that makes me happy, there’s this chick that I’ve recently started liking, I really don’t get to talk to her much, infact I started liking her about the first time we started talking, and I didn’t realise till the morning after whn i woke up thinking about her, I haven’t gotten to talk to her since, but everythime i think about her i actually feel happy, which is strange because i don’t even remember what happy felt like. But the thing is, everyone i get close to, i seem to automatically push away, even though i do everything i can not to, i hurt them, and in turn they hurt me. So I don’t really think I should bother just incase it turns out the same way it always does.
So i guess I’ve given up on trying to get past my depression and finding a way to live with my bi-polar, and now I’m slowly giving in too the thought of suicide. But I’ve tried so many times without success, so i’m looking for a surefire method.
Can someone help?
4 comments
Are you currently taking medication for your BPD? I was misdiagnosed with it a while ago (turns out I’m just monopolar). The guys at the hospital put me on lithium for a while, which still did a lot to make my episodes of depression less severe.
If you are being medicated, you ought to tell your doctor that they’re not working and you need to try something different.
Your primary problem seems to be your relationship with your family, though. I’d suggest seeing a psychotherapist or your school counselor and see if they can help. Sometimes just talking about your situation can help you feel better, but a therapist can also suggest ways you can tackle your problems. It’s a “help you help yourself” kind of thing.
Yeah, I’m seeing a psychologist and I’m on a mental health plan, working with her and a doctor we’re working out how I can get better and I’m onSodium Valporate, trying to find the ‘sweet spot’ i guess.
But a couple weeks back my pop was really sick and we went down to see him, and the psychologist said she’d schedule us in after we got back, now its a month and a half later, I’ve been back to Sydney for my Pop’s funeral, I’ve had a rough half a year all up, that on top of my whole high school life, and it seems that even my psychologist has forgotten me.
It’s not that my medication isn’t woprking, it’s that it seems to choose when it will work and when it won’t.
I’m trying to keep my head up, I don’t really want to die, I want to feel loved, but i can’t find that feeling, and it feels like death is the only way to solve my problems
I used to push people away too, but I let someone in during the worst time of my life and it’s because of him that I am still here. Fighting through your fears help us grow. Perhaps you should see if this chick likes you too. And, if she doesn’t, then you had a wonderful experience knowing her and she made you happy. If she does, then that wonderful experience and happiness will grow in sooo many ways.
I don’t have bipolar disorder but I have heard that a lot of people put your actions on your disorder, and they don’t accept you and your emotions except as a chemical imbalance. Which is definitely not fair.
As far as your family, it’s good that you are seeing a psychologist, if your appointment hasn’t been scheduled you should give them a call. 🙂
This girl that i like, i really like her, as i said, but i confided in a friend earlier on today about it, and it turns out that this guy who’s screwed me over before, someone who used to get in arguments with me then say shit like ‘atleast im not emo’ or ‘this is just cos you’re emo isn’t it’ and so i hate him, he’s like the one person i can actually bring myself to hate. It turns out he likes her, of course my best friend, who i confided in, automatically takes their side, like a knee-jerk reaction, they want me to be happy, cos ive done so much for him, but ever since i met this guy i hate, he’s gotten between me and my best friend so many times.
And even though i hate this guy, it still naturally hits me as a case of ‘he has dibs’. How sexist am i? I mean really, i hate anybody with any form of prejudice and i still naturally see a girl as someone you can call shotgun over 🙁
So I guess I’ll just sit back and maybe talk to her every now and then, but it’s not like I have a chance anyway, I have so much going against me at the moment.