Warning! Wall of text!
I feel so alone and empty. My own mother, my own family betrayed me in a way I cant explain. We had a family gathering and my mother begged me and assured that he wouldn’t be there. I never go, haven’t meet my family in 4 years although I do feel lonely living by myself in a city across the country. I escaped and promised myself to never return, never look back. Needed to leave, to get away as far as I could. From all the evil, hate and twisted, sick minds I learned to deal and grew up with. Â
But I made a mistake coming back, as if I forgot all that, how stupid and dumb could you be? My only weakness was my loneliness. Because when I moved and finally got away at 19, I created my own home far way. I had my peace but I couldn’t let anyone in, in my own bubble, I was safe and no one could hurt me anymore. But it made me alone and I felt it cried my eyes out every night.
Then she calls me and I go, don’t know what got into me…
 I saw him at my old home, my old kitchen. He came in like a big oll gorilla and looked right into my eyes, my soul (whats left of it)  and if that look could kill, I’d be dead right now. I couldn’t move, or look away, it seemed like he was looking at me forever.  All those bad, ugly and twisted memories of him and what he did to me. He was supposed to be my father, instead I got the devil and no angel or G-d could save me at those horrible moments.
I cant live, I just cant go on. And every time I think it gets better, Him and all the evil he created laughs at me and still gets me no matter how hard or how far I run. Â
Im sitting at my hotel balcony, listening to Mineral http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bgxbv_UbZNg
 I can feel the wind on my face and just wants to jump, never return for good…
11 comments
Did you ever report what that person did to you? its completely wrong that he gets away with doing that to you. I hope you find peace again somehow. You sound like a decent person. Dont let them win.
I’ve been in your position. It hurts. Why can’t they hurt like we do? But if you end your life he’ll win. If you show him sorrow he’ll win. Do not let him get that satisfaction. He’s not worth it. You’re a true person. He’s a fake. Overcome your past. Whether you see him ever again or not, stay strong and remember who you are. Not who he made you. <3
Mr confused; I did and I was so scared but the authorities didnt do mutch, they said my case had not enogh evidence
Skratt315: Thank you, at my darkest times it feels like he won.. I ‘ll remember your beautiful words “who I am and not who he made me”
Oh ok. If he sexually assaulted you, the police usually would take dna, using a kit, there would have been evidence, but it just depended on if you reported it close to the incident.but dont worry if you didnt lots of other victims are affraid the same as you. Still its a horrible thing to go through. I hope that guy suffers a worse fate than death.
there is NOTHING wrong with you! you are an amazing human being, who is incredibly strong to have survived what you have. it’s that vile hideous creature who is wrong and pathetic and weak and demented. how much strength does it take, to take something (or pretty much everything) from someone smaller than you? he’s a pathetic piece of shit. and i hope he contracts many slow and painful diseases that take many many years to finally kill you…
but homicidal fantasies aside, you are a beautiful diamond that even his darkest evil could not destroy. there’s a quote from one of my favorite blogs (happens to be about ptsd, and childhood trauma btw, may be worth checking out, though some of it can be triggering. it also has links to other sites as well)- faith allen is the author. i forget what the blog is called-oh-blooming lotus. but she said something about how a diamond, even with a mountain of shit piled on top of it, is still a diamond.
basically meaning, nothing anyone did to you changes the value of who you are. you are still the shining beautiful gem you always were.
don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying that reading that makes everything click in your head and you stop blaming yourself and feel better and all like that. i also had a f**ked up childhood, and i still struggle a lot with a lot of the same feelings you mentioned.
and just, trying to face all the pain, and learning how to feel it, it can seem so insurmountable and impossible some days. many days. sometimes even most days. that’s part of why i like that blog so much, cuz faith is much further along in the healing journey, so she’s like proof that it’s possible. also, she isn’t afraid to address even the most taboo and scary of topics within the realm of child abuse. which is a miracle for me, cuz there’s some things i thought i was completely alone in, as i’d never heard anyone else mention it, and i sure as hell was never going to bring it up. but it can help to know you are not alone, and that others have made it through.
it helps for the days when you really don’t believe you can. and he didn’t win. it is grossly unfair that we are the ones “doing time” for their disgusting actions. and yet, we are still here. still fighting. dont give up.
and you are really brave for going back. i know you are beating yourself up about it, but it’s totally understandable why you would want to return to a place that was familiar, where there are some people you love. esp when your heart is longing for that so badly every night. that’s not stupid. that’s just human. and it shows you have a big heart that cares enough to miss the ones you love so very deeply. it’s just unfortunate that that infestation of a cockroach had to rear its ugly-ass head.
God you are brave! you really are! i can’t even IMAGINE looking in the eyes of some of my abusers right now. and you survived even that. you are strong as hell. even if you don’t feel strong, you are!
don’t let that piece of shit win. every day you are still breathing, it’s a victory over his pathetic excuse for an existence. and every breath is proof that you are stronger than he is, because you are still alive, and because you are breaking the cycle, and not continuing the abuse.
do you have a support system? therapist? religious leader? group therapy? online support, or supportive friends? i hope so. find as much support as you can get! and dont forget, you are amazing!!
Amazing how strong you are. This confrontation you have placed yourself in was probably a start from your old Past Personality to Coop with it, and to stare the demon straight in the eye. I can not say anything else, you have done something that will only show good things in the future if you go to step 2.
Step 2 is NOT killing yourself, But step 2 is accepting that your past is a chapter, and only you can close this chapter and go to the new page. Never close your book, certainly not when you are as strong as you are.
Bravo for your story, thank you for showing me a little of your life.
All I can say is he is lucky I didn’t know you at the time of the rape. Because the cops would have been the last thing he would have been worried about. I’m sorry that happened to you.
JadedStar: Wow! I cried my eyes out reading your comments ಥ_ಥ
Never did i thought that anyone would care or even comment. Thank you, Now I feel like Im not the only person going trough this shit. Your comment made me cry but not cuz im sad, becuse it gave me HOPE, that lil spark inside me, I really needed that so thank you. I just need to find that light and hold on forever, I know i can make it. After all I went trough hell, and yes I do have a wonderfull therapist and shes amazing, But last night my everythig I’ve build up just crashed brick by brick, I was exposed and now I need to rebuild, I dont know if that makes sense for you. But my walls and bubble are the only thing that makes me safe. I need to work on how i could open myself up and trust other people…
SimpleFarmer: Thank you, Love what you said “never close your book”. I needed those words and Im working on accepting my past but it will take time.
Ha strength in numbers, its great when people help each other.
i’m so glad anything i said was able to help 🙂 hope can be a pretty slippery thing, sometimes. but you are very strong, otherwise you would not still be here. and somewhere, deep down, even if you couldn’t see or feel it, that spark was still there, shining in you. otherwise you would never have posted to begin with. sometimes we just need a mirror to reflect it back to us (i know i need that A LOT these days).
and yes, what you said about the walls and being exposed makes perfect sense to me.
the walls helped us to survive. at times quite literally the difference between life and death. so to have them start cracking at all, let alone tumble down brick by brick- it’s terrifying as all hell. i mean, really, i don’t think there’s words to describe it. but it makes me think of a raw bundle of nerves suddenly exposed to the elements. such a vulnerable and potentially painful place. it only makes sense that the walls would snap back up in a hurry. especially when they are the only truly safe place you’ve really ever known.
i am also trying to learn how to let the walls down sometimes. and trying to learn how to let people in. and also learning when, where, and with who (whom?) it is safe to let in, because there are people that don’t deserve to get inside.
trust is very hard for me as well. i think it’s just a process, and something that takes a lot of practice, as well as patience (not my favorite virtue by fav :p).
i think the internet is pretty amazing- for a lot of reasons- one of which being that it allows you to connect to people you otherwise would never have crossed paths with. and it offers places like this, where you can meet people who understand what you are going through; and where it’s easier to open up, because it is anonymous. don’t get me wrong, it is still very scary (at least for me) to post anything online, pretty much ever. but it’s still way easier (and feels much safer) than opening up to someone in person. it’s good practice for me 🙂
and it helps me to feel less alone as well. i like what mr confused said about strength in numbers. i like diddyman’s reply as well. i love a protective, vigilante instinct for many reasons! and i love what simple farmer said, about starting down the demon. i like also his idea that maybe some part of you led you back there, maybe subconsciously, because some part of you knew it would be a necessary step in the healing journey. the fact that you did that still gives me chills! my God the amount of strength it would take! you are amazing!! i seriously can’t get over it!!
also, if you want to talk- i’m not always the greatest at extremely prompt responses (or remembering to check), but if you ever do want to talk (about anything) or feel like someone understands, or you just need to vent somewhere (in addition to this forum, and wherever else), feel free to email me: noloveinfear333@gmail.com
take care! let that spark burn bright! it will take time and patience to work through the issues and pain and to learn what it means to be a human in this world. it’s pain you never asked for, that you never EVER deserved. but that spark is still burning, in spite of all you’ve been through. and very literally stared evil in it’s ugly cowardice face- and stared it down!! if you can do that, you can do ANYTHING! i am so inspired by you! thank you so much for posting your story!!
oops! left a key word out. that’s supposed you say YOU very literally stared evil in it’s ugly cowardice face- and stared it down! that really is brave beyond words