Well this fucking blows. I come up with the perfect plan to kill myself… Hanging at my parents businesss, which was supposed to be empty all day today. Then last night we find out a pipe burst and the whole place was flooded…. Inches of water everywhere. So my dad has been there all day, cleaning and getting things moved out so the restoration crew can come in tomorrow. Wonderful…. My private date with a rope and my suicide playlist cancelled. And please don’t say this is a sign I shouldn’t do it… I don’t believe in that.
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same thing happened to me. i wanted to kill myself but then the phone rang nf my sis came into the room to give it to me
Are you sure you want to go? Or do you just hate your current situation?
I’m sure. I’ve been in this situation for 17 years and it’s only got worse over the years.
And how have you tried to get better?
Hey Jumper,
What situation are you talking about? Have you been diagnosed with a mental disorder?
I have bipolar disorder type 2, and I deeply resent it. Before my symptoms began, I used to be happy, strong, fun, well-balanced, full of friends and excellent at school. Now I’ve literally become the shadow of the young man I used to be. I am also chronically unemployed, which is surprisingly for a student who outshone 55.000 others in his Baccalaureate, and who went to study abroad at one of the most prestigious universities in the world. I hate to confront other people, because I don’t want to be asked “what are you doing these days?”… People judge you when you don’t perform, and there still is a terrible prejudice against depressed people.
Of course, I have tried my best to “get better”, which in my case means taking medications regularly, and doing whatever the Doctor says. In my opinion, people who tell you to “try harder”, or “think positive” because “it’s in your head” are fools. They don’t know what mental ILLNESS feels like. I used to be very optimistic, so I should never have gotten sick in the first place, right?
I’m also seriously contemplating suicide btw. Tried several time and failed, but got closer to it each time. Next time will be the last hopefully
I was diagnosed with major depression but lately I feel it was a misdiagnosis and I am actually bipolar. I’ve been in therapy for countless years. I actually really liked my therapist. I’ve tried dozens of meds either to have them stop working or give me a debilitating side effect. I was molested as a child, raped as an adult, and physically abused in what I thought was a relationship with “the one.” I’ve been a cutter since I was 10, I’m now 27, and I’ve recently started burning myself too. It’s like you said though, people don’t know what it’s like. They aren’t in my head. I have given more than a fair effort to getting better and trying to be “normal” but I’m sick of always ending up back where I am now, actually I end up worse. I’m sick of hurting other people and myself. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of suffering. I just need a new plan now.
What do you want out of death? Pain relief? Peace? Something else?
How about getting a proper diagnosis first? There will always be time to kill oneself.
How would you feel about adapting to your “diagnosis” (or the way your mind works), but working on healing the scars that life has given you?
I want to be gone, free from the emotional and mental pain. That is all. I have tried working on this. I have seen multiple therapists, psychiatrists and even had a complete work up done to see if maybe something else was out of whack like my thyroid or some stupid shit. I have volunteered to see if helping others would give me a better sense of worth and it didn’t. I took up hobbies, like skydiving and mountain biking to give me a ‘natural high’ and keep me distracted. Guess what? After I would come down, the only thing I would want is death. I know this is my destiny. I have fought it for too many years. And now that I have accepted it and embraced it, I feel a little better. When I come up with a new plan, I will be happy again. Then when I carry it out, I can finally have some peace.
Amd I’ve tried ‘healing’ those scars in my life, working through them and learning how to deal with it… It doesn’t work. My mind is fucked up beyond repair. It’s too late.
Hi jumper,
Thank you for your answers. I respect your experience in dealing with your problems.
How about schizotypal? Your mention of the thyroid checkup reminded me of it. It can be confused with bipolar.
And how’s your social life?
And how about medication, what are you on? You’re most likely aware that it can worsen suicidal thoughts in some cases?
I minored in psychology in college so I have a decent sense of mental disorders, as well as social. I don’t fit schizotypal at all.Â
I have a great social life. Lots of friends, a few serious relationships, but just date and have fun, unless I want otherwise. I have a good job. I’m very close with my whole family, cousins and everyone. I love going on road trips, traveling, mountain biking, going to concerts, skydiving….Â
Medication… I’ve been on cymbalta, welbutrion, lamictal, citalopram, lexapro, trazadone… They all do the same thing. Work for a little bit and then turn around completely on me and make me worse off. Then I get suicidal and someone steps in and makes me go back to the doc and try something new. And so I begin again…Â
Is there anything you believe would make you better?
Life is fucked.
Existence is a curse.
Abused from youth is almost impossible to remedy or even forget
all you can do is decide if your existence on this earth was good enough
or can you make a better impact.
Drugs dont help, the doctors expect you to be on them til the day you die, they drain you. til your addicted, and you feel worse then you did before.
you dont need anyone
Leave your family and your doctors and go on a journey. Leave everything and see if you can survive without nothing. Kill yourself by starvation or a survival situation
You need to find yourself
Suicide is the most selfish and the most powerful,Honorable thing to do. and only the truly deserving should do be allowed.
Is the planet better with or without you.
At least give all your stuff away. you wont need it
@ muspelhem… I don’t think there is anything that would make be better. I’ve tried it all. The only thing that makes me smile these days is the thought of dying by my own hand.
@ Nit3fr3ak… I’m not going on some self discovery bullshit journey. I’ve found myself. I know what I want. Suicide is not selfish either. AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!! What’s selfish is asking the person who is suffering, who wakes everyday in more pain, who can’t stand the thought of the future because of how horrible the past has been, to stay here and live this miserable life. Everyday is a struggle and to ask someone to stay here and endure their pain so that those in their life don’t have to deal with the grieving process is selfish. Go to the search bar and type in “Why is suicide selfish?” It is a post from May 30, that someone reposted. It explains why suicide is NOT selfish.
And I have already started donating my things to charity. You’re right, I won’t need it. But whatever happens to the rest of my material things after I’m gone, I am not too concerned with. The important things, like designating what money I have to pay for the rest of my sisters education, and pay off some of my parents bills, those are the things I’m concentrating on.