This is how it will be I guess.

So I’m pretty much done. It’s been four years since my parents kicked me out with no money and no idea what the hell to do, and I’m still in the same place I was then.

See, I was an accident baby. I think that’s where it all started. My mom got fucking high one night and hooked up with my dad when she was 16…and behold! She’s stuck with a baby she doesn’t want…namely me. All through my life she’s been inconsistent, constantly putting me down for being ‘weird’, asking why I can’t be happy like everyone else, why I can’t have ‘normal’ friends. And  I never really got to spend time with her. She was always with my step dad or playing her video games.

So I started lying a lot, started doing badly in school. Instead of noticing the sudden changes she just yelled at me, slapped me. My step dad choked me up against the wall, pulled my hair, they both called me ‘fucking stupid’, ‘selfish’. I lied to get out of doing pretty much anything. That was the problem; I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t wanna go out with friends(not like I had any till 10th grade), I didn’t wanna do anything. My mom thought I was lazy. I wanted to die.  I didn’t want to go to school because everyone always picked on me, I had no friends and the ones I did have treated me like shit. My parents, of course, didn’t know this. I did try to tell them but they wrote it off as me having social problems. It’s never anyone else’s fault, it’s always mine.

So when I was in 11th grade, I believe, my parents tried to put me on ritalin, thinking I had ADD…I tried to OD on that. I tried to OD on several different kinds of painkillers and anything I could find. It just made me pass out and feel high. My parents took me to a family psychiatrist when I was in my senior year, basically saying, ‘tell me what the hell is wrong with my child.’ I showed her, and my parents, my scars. I have many all over my shoulders, ankles, wrists, thighs. My parents were infuriated. The psychiatrist wanted to refer me to someone that deals with depression. When we got home my parents said I wasn’t going, I was just doing it for attention. My step-dad even went so far as to say ‘if you wanna do it right there’s a knife in the garage.’

I practically stopped talking to my parents, shut myself in my room. By graduation they wanted me out. I left, I’ve been moving from place to place ever since. I finally got a job, got a shared place with my boss and his gf, they so kindly let me stay with them for $250 a month. They then had to close down their restaurant and tomorrow they’re moving to Mississippi, leaving me with no place to stay again. I’m broke because they couldn’t keep me at the restaurant. I finally got a job but now I have no place to stay. My parents refuse to let me come back despite the fact I’d never be home. My boyfriend can only do so much…but he’s going to be living with his mom and he’s going to be going to the hospital a lot to go through chemotherapy. Besides…he laughed when I said I’d be sleeping in a tent. He’s pretty insensitive.

So yeah…I’m kinda done. I’m almost 20 and I feel so tired all the time like I’ve lived much longer. I feel that I wasn’t meant to be born into this world in the first place…so maybe I should fix my mother’s mistake. If only I knew how.