Fuck I’m going crazy.
I bitched at my boyfriend tonight for no reason, and when I get mad its hard to control.
Most the time you would think normal anger, no mine is implosive anger and I hate it.
It’s like something else entirely different takes over and spews out words to those I care about most, and it takes me forever to calm down.
I figure that if its getting this bad what will happen when I’m older?
Is this the kinda anger that murderers have?
I hate this so much and I want help so badly but I don’t think anyone could help me, not even anger management.
Is this a good enough reason for commiting suicide?
Before I finally crack and wreck havoc among the world?
I’m terrified of what I’ve become….
-Becca
xoxo
4 comments
This sounds exactly like what happened to me. a little while after me and my boyfriend – my 1st and only true love – got together, something else came out in me – anger – impulsive anger -rage – agony – it got worse, and worse.
i eventually ruined everything – i abandoned him one too many times – ignored him for months after he’d call all day trying to see if i was ok and to be with me – but i ran away – in large part because i thought if i got away from him, the anger and saddness and monster that i became would go away.
well, leaving him didn’t help – i had a couple rebound relationships, but those were nothing more than rebounds, and finally what i had done sunk in.
i finally checked all the emails he sent me – and realized that HE WAS the one i truely loved and the only one who EVER loved me – the one i cared about the most.
but by the time i realized it, and tried to get him back, it was way too late.
now i am killing mysel because all i think about is him, and how the mistake i made ruined the only thing in my life truly worth living or.
don’t forget that isomething in you is what’s causing the pain and rage, you need help or therapy, don’t run away from everyone who tries to love you – because when no one’s left and you see how they’ve moved on – that is when death is truly better than life. i’m going as soon as i can get my ******** tank.
or maybe sooner – i saw a new picture of him on facebook today – he looks amazing – i look like shit compared to how i did when we first met – he’ll never take me back – i ruined everything permenantly.
You sound like a very kind person.
I would hope that you didnt consider tht option but I cant stop you.
You can blame yourself for what has happened, may sound cheesy or stupid to say but its true.
If you want to talk at all please let me know.
Hang in there
Becca,
A good bit of the reason I wanted to kill myself was because I knew I could hurt the world. I knew my anger could get out of control and I would do more harm than good. I relate so much to your post it’s like you wrote down my thoughts.
I hate anger so much that it took me until recently to admit to myself that I have anger issues, even though I have been dealing with them for three or four years–at least intensely. However, I no longer feel the need to die, nor do I really feel that angry so much anymore. If things can get better for me, they can for you.
Also, have you tried anger management? If you haven’t, you might want to, just to see. If they don’t work, then back to the drawing board, but if they do, then fantastic! Also, counseling or therapy would be something to look into. There are a lot of ways to handle your problems, and anger can be used to do good things.
You don’t have to hurt people. I took my anger out on those who loved me, and I was actually in a fairly similar situation to the other commentor. But I also took the anger out on myself, which made me more angry, and the people who cared about me got angry at my mistreatment of them, which made me angrier because in my state of mind (not a good one) I felt the victim of the situation (even though I had created it)…and in short, I’ve never done anything I wanted to when I was angry.
But there ARE ways to get around it. Start doing a little bit of research, if you want. Google is always out there! Haha. Write in a journal, punch a pillow, scream into a pillow or outside or whatever, beat a rug, start a new hobby… you can get the anger out. It IS doable. Good luck, and take care ♥♥
It’ll be okay in the end. I have gone through this. Just ride with the feelings, but let your boyfriend know about it.