Have any of you guys ever moved countries?
Like full country moving not within the same country?
I have 4 times in my life (If anybody wishes to know it’s Germany [Born there] Scotland Australia Canada and Switzerland [current]) already and am only 14 years of age.
The sad thing happens to be the fact  whenever I’m in any of the schools I have this wierd stroke of the first year always being the one I fight for.
I have the tendency of straightening my hair and putting it in front of my left eye. This of course sparked the typical response of “Hey look an emo ******!”
I was taught to always fight for what I believe and fight those who are out to hurt me. I had done just that of course.
Then the next year I would have some sort of talent of becoming a party animal and becoming the most popular guy in the school.
This happened in my first two schools and then Australia came, to be popular you had to be good at sports but being very unsporty from years of playing video games and staying true to myself the only things I were good at were fighting , making people laugh and doing my hair/others hair. I had a knack for music and tried choir which I stayed in till I was in grade 7. I had found my love for music but am repressing it still. Finally when I lived in Canada I had a hard lesson that was taught to me and it was nobody liked me in my school. I got in regular fights and because my teachers saw me as just some random rebel I get in trouble. Then 8th grade came ( I had redone grade seven in Canada) and I finally got a hair cut. I became neutral not seen by anyone in the background. I was the random “emo” kid as I was dubbed in the background with my legs on the table and leather jackets to spare. Finally Grade 9 came. I finally had figured out what I was. I was a metrosexual a sort of homosexual person without any attraction to the same gender.
I always knew what to do in a situation to do with relationships, I always wore what I felt like whilst maintaining fashionability. My fashion was unflawed. I became famous within my school. A kid so homo he could beat the shit out of you and you’d feel bad about it. I was on the top of my league. I finally had something I’ve always wanted or in a way needed, acceptance from at least one person without succumbing to conformity. I was at the top of my life nearly every girl had a crush on me all the guys didn’t look down on me like some bug when in reality I could kick their ass. I from my years of experience though had problems with such a sudden vast amount of human socialization so my jokes whilst outlandish were apparently a riot. I was a wierdo and that was what majority of girls who I had met that were also new told me that made me so popular with girls apparently.
I wasn’t one to like girls mainly because I could see through all their little lies and inner ugliness. I wasn’t one to judge for things I have done in the past so I kept an open mind to every girl just not for dating purposes. My school was full of catholic goody two shoes which isn’t a horrible thing and was actually a nice gesture, the only thing that was annoying was how wearing a leather jacket had made you a “rebel”. It wasn’t all bad I had made friends with some of the girls from the popular clique which I would originally never think of talking to considering I found them horrible people to treat those less popular so badly and horribly. I talked to one girl her name was Gabby she was absolutely stunning she was in the popular group but she was such an outsider to all of them and such a beautiful and nice girl too. I had asked her on Halloween it was a no. Â But hey I just swallowed it and died inside again like I did so many more years. Time had passed and I got more popular, I got asked out more and more even by two wonderful girls who I have the priviledge to call friends. But it’s always the same I have no feelings for any of them. I only have a couple of emotions left that are ever seen Laughing smiling angry or blank. I still loved my experience and was excited to go to highschool with my friends that were like family members to me. Then whilst summer was happening I met a girl who loved all the same childish things and I had taught her the wonders of my world such as videogaming, memes funnyjunk and so on. Then one day she made a pokemon quote and I fell in love. She went to texas for a while so we planned some dates since she felt the same way as I did. Everything was perfect I had met the girl of my dreams. I was going to her school next year, and we had a date planned to go to the movies. I then found out that, that perfect little world I had intoxicated myself with my own illusions, a temporary paradise. My father dropped the bomb and said “We’re leaving for Switzerland pack your things” And here I am in a European country again. Something I’ve yearned for a long time ago because the childhood memories in me would scream out occasionally. But I can’t seem to shake this feeling, this way of being that is in Europe is something no longer for me in a way.
What do you guys think?
Am I going to continue my vicious cycle of life?
Or
Am I finally going to find some sort of piece whether it’s death or something else
share your suicide story
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4 comments
Drop me a line @ Jessica-castle@hotmail.com
Don’t give up, you have a lot in store.
Sheggy6.
First of all let me thank you for sharing this story. Not to sound like an afterschool re-run special on broadcast televison, you know the one that is way too dorky and dumb and you are really embarassed to be watching it, but the pop tart in your hand is way too chewy and goowy to put down so you suffer through it…
Anyhoo all kidding aside it takes a lot to bare your soul to complete strangers and lay out your life for analyais by well just about everyone. It is so true those old cliches that state the life you save might just be your own and that is why i am writing to you noww. I usta wonder what that meant but well you can figure it out…your stoy really hit me deep in my psyche because it sounds so much like my own, in fact it sounds like just the thing that has got me at 43 ready to throw in the towel after a life long struggle with depression and trying to please everyone and not having enough faith in my passion (music) to put everything into it and make a life out of it.
Please take from my obeservation what works for you if any of it does, and remember this is just my perception of your story so if I am at all off base please forgive me. It sounds like you are doing exactly what I did in school growing up, trying to please others to fit in, and at the same time disregarding your own passion for music and all of the things that will sustain you as life throws it punches and it will especially if you march to the beat of your own drummer and you do.
See we establish so much of ourselves in school we have this big arena of trial and error and we are able to get immediate feedback positive or negative…sometimes it is easier to take the path of least resistance but we only end up paying the price later. I was teased all through school until I was voted Vice President of my sophmore class in high school. My earliest child hood memory is walking to the bustop at age seven to face a choir of kids chanting in unison that “(my name ) _______was a ******”! Over and over it never left me. Unlike you I did not always stand up for myself and to this day have a problem with doing so. I puished the emotions down and tried to use substnaces to make them go away and they always came back ,I guess what I am trying to say is you have some passions, doing hair, music etc that you are suppressing…
don’t; let them flourish. You have to follow your own bliss, you have to make your own heart sing, you have nothing to prove to nobody else, you do not have to prove your homo, metro, or any other sexual you are a human being capable of loving, living and blessing the world with your own unique gifts…but only you can allow that beautiful bird to fly or to wilt in it’s cage.
I know you are blessed to be asked out by a lot of beautiful girls and it sounds like to me you are trying to prove your self worth, prove to yourself and others you can attract the pretty girls,.
Myself, I went out with girls from the golf team and had friends who dad’s owned banks but it did not keep my soul from dying…
Moving and relocating is never easy, I was raised by my grandmother and after the age of 12 never saw my dad again, when I was a sophmore in college I received a phone call in my dorm he had passed away. Still I was trying to fit into a fraternity of guys who hated me and thought since I did not come from money I was unworthy of their love even when my father dies. I lost my GI bill in the naval college reserves and everything to make it into that fraternity…
so see it never ends you have to decide what kind of person you want to be now, and be it don’t do it for anybody but yourself…if people support you great if they do not great because you will not depend on another human being for your happiness and when you truly grasp that truth you will have the peace you seek no matter where you roam on this planet or the next…
I like your story. I’m from the states, but now I live in Okinawa, Japan. It’s hard as hell to adjust to living here. i left everything i’ve ever known back home. Now i want it all back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad but i do wish i could go back home. the difference between you and me is that you didnt get a choice into leaving.
I hate to sound like a dick, but to me, your story of school so far sounds kind of normal. 🙂 We all have a hard time in school, its a tough time socially for everyone. You’ve been a loner, you’ve been popular, you’ve enjoyed time with friends, and you’ve been rejected. I really really don’t want to sound shitty, but yes – that’s life. You can expect more joy and more pain. You can expect to make friends and keep some, and lose others. Some people will really hurt you, and others will love you more than you know. Its all about your attitude. You don’t have to try to be something different or rebellious because it makes you seem special. If you really are different, then own that and live it out. Just do not end up pleasing others, that will make you disingenuine. Fake. There is nothing worse than fake, to me. Be yourself, and you still need to determine what that means, because you are young. And also, don’t worry about the significance of every little event. When I was in school, every look from a certain boy MEANT something. Well in reality, it didn’t, and I was making drama internally, which was silly and pointless. I’m just saying, take it easy, don’t worry/look for drama, and be yourself. Life will unravel as it may, it all depends on your outlook. <3