A new beginning Of the end

Depressions eats away at my mind every single day, some more so than others but it’s always there. Some bad things have happened in my short 18 years on this earth but the events of Saturday night have hit me intesenly and I don’t know if I can recover and even if I can I don’t think I want to. Saturday night started as a trip to visit the family that I call my own, even though they aren’t exactly. They were at a friends having dinner so I went and joined them. We started drinking and playing some card games and people started going home or to bed. I woke up Sunday morning and got a lift home even though I planned to catch the bus, which I was grateful for at the time. I am horrible for remembering the ends of nights when I’m drinking but I get little flashback things. And the ones I got on Sunday didn’t make sense. It was the guy I like to look at as my father, who I wished was my father, whispering things and asking if I really wanted him to stop. I remember thinking to myself that I should hold my breath and be silent. I thought I was going crazy but whenever I got this flashes I felt sick in my stomach. As I tried to piece things together I also tried not to. I noted that if something innapropiate happened the lift in tr morning made sense but I still couldn’t convince myself what happened. I again told myself I was an idiot and tried to sleep. I woke up this morning to a message from him asking if he could me later because we need to talk. Thats when I realised that i was right, something happened that shouldn’t have. I burst into tears and told him I dint want to talk about it. He apologized and he feels horrible, but I don’t even know what exactly happened and I don’t wanna ask. I justfeel as though them people were the only good thing in my life and now it’s ruined. I don’t wanna go over there but I need his wife. She is the best person in the entire world and she is like my mother now, and now in my eyes itsruined. I ruin everything, I actually hate myself so much right now. I have always said that i will die 18, I will kill myself before I age another year but this is to hard to handle. I need to go now. But how?